Lies and Hidden Secrets
by Thyqua
Summary: It crossed his mind that things tended to spin out of control when something was removed from a perfectly balanced equation.
1. Prologue

_prologue_

He looks at her now and realises just how much she has grown up in the past few years. Despite some of the things life had thrown at her as a child, she had retained an innocence – a view of the world in which she still seemed to believe in good and evil and that punishment and judgement should prevail. And yet now something seemed to have changed within her. He wasn't quite sure whether it had been gradual or sudden, whether he had only noticed it as it became more prominent during the last few months. She looked older somehow. And not just in the usual sense that everybody ages. It was different. As if the weight of recent events was pushing her down. Weakening her, tiring her, aging her. He couldn't help but let it cross his mind that he wasn't sure how long she could survive like this; how long she would drag herself through each day; how long she would even bother to wake up in the morning. The thought terrified him, and yet it appeared to be content to wander through his mind during the day.

-

**A/N... so, I'm trying something new - publishing a story that I haven't finished yet, in hopes that it will force me to actually complete it! got a beginning, most of the middle and some end written at the moment so let me know if you want me to keep writing and uploading it... **


	2. chapter one

_chapter one_

"Leo." Nikki spoke as she moved slowly into his office. He looked up from his desk, already on edge due to the tone in her voice, and so not entirely surprised to see a pale face staring back at him. What did surprise him somewhat was the way her eyes didn't appear to be focused on anything and the way one hand rested against the wall, almost gripping it for support.

"Nikki?" He was on his feet as he said her name, moving around his desk towards her and reaching her just as her eyelids slipped down and her legs began to give way. His firm arms around her waist quickly steadied her and prevented her from falling to the ground. "Nikki?" He repeated, moving one hand to her forehead only to find the heat radiating from her before his hand reached its destination. Her eyes opened again, managing to meet Leo's concerned gaze. He felt his stomach clench at the look in them.

"Leo, something's wrong." Her tone even weaker than a few moments before, he couldn't avoid the tremble of fear that rippled through her body, seeped into her tone and radiated through her eyes.

They both knew something hadn't been right for days, weeks even. Leo had noticed the glazed looks, the dark circles beneath her usually bright eyes, the way she wasn't so steady on her feet or so quick to joke with Harry.

He'd questioned her on numerous occasions. A simple quick enquiry was almost inevitably responded to with 'I'm fine'. A deeper enquiry seemed to only lead to a similar denial followed by an uneasy tension, which tended to be accompanied by either a cold silence or harsh words exchanged between them. They both knew the reasons, they both knew the dismissals were blatant lies, and yet their melody never changed. Until now. And the fact that Nikki had finally run out of the energy to pretend only scared him more.

He looked at her where she lay on the sofa in his office. She wasn't quite asleep, but she wasn't exactly awake and aware either. Her body automatically curled up; pulling the blanket he had placed on her around her quivering frame. Creases had become a permanent fixture on her forehead, marring the usually smooth skin.

Leo sat back down at his desk, giving Janet a call to let her know he'd be home later on. The centre was all but empty and Leo found his mind drifting with only the background noise of Nikki's uneven breathing.

He wondered sometimes why they did what they did. Why they worked themselves to the ground trying to solve cases, only for a jury to decide there wasn't enough evidence. Or for a cop to screw up a warrant, causing a judge to let someone go free. Someone they all knew full well was guilty.

It had been a long week. Leo had dealt with the frustrations of being let down by other people not doing their jobs properly. Harry had been struggling with a mysterious death where there wasn't quite enough evidence to prove anything. And Nikki. He should have been keeping a better eye on Nikki. They'd both been so worried about Harry recently that it was obvious that neither Leo nor Nikki herself had been worrying enough about her.

Taking a deep breath, Leo stood and walked over to the sofa. Crouching down in front of it, he laid a gentle hand on Nikki's shoulder to wake her. Deep brown eyes opened slowly to meet his.

"Come on, I'll give you a lift home." Nikki simply nodded at his words, anything else obviously too much effort in that moment. "And tomorrow you should really go see a doctor." With that comment he expected some kind of resistance. Instead she looked into his eyes for a minute, then nodded gently and looked away. He wasn't quite sure what she had seen that dissuaded her from arguing, but maybe his own concern was so apparent that she no longer had the strength to disagree.

...


	3. chapter two

_chapter two_

Leo waited a few moments after knocking a second time, wishing it wouldn't, but feeling his stomach clench in fear when Nikki didn't answer the door. He knew she was in, she should be answering. Telling himself that she was probably just fast asleep, Leo pulled out his keys which now contained a copy of Nikki's apartment key. After the events of a couple of months ago, Nikki had decided that it would make more sense if both he and Harry had a spare key for her place, rather than leaving one hidden behind a statue in the corridor.

His mind was thrown back to thoughts of how distressed the situation had left her, how shaken she had been, quite understandably. Yet only a few months previously he would have thought she'd have taken it in her stride like everything else, would have put on a tough face, at least for appearances. He couldn't get rid of the image of her sitting in the back of an ambulance, wrapped in a bright red blanket and Harry's arms. She looked so lost in those moments, as if her world had been turned around and she wasn't quite sure how to straighten it out again, as if she was overwhelmed by it all. As usual, she had pulled an 'in control' mask back over her face a few days later and they both accepted it, not bothering to look closer to see the cracks appearing beneath.

His key slipped easily into the door. Pushing it open as quietly as he could, he entered her apartment. Taking a look around her main living area, he couldn't see any signs of life. The flat was eerily silent as he moved towards her bedroom. The door was ajar, but Leo hesitated, knocking gently before entering.

When he didn't get any response, he pushed the door open a little further, poking his head around it and hoping to just find Nikki curled up asleep in bed. He didn't get his wish. It took him a moment to notice her, but his eyes finally settled upon her still form on the floor beside the bed.

He rushed over, kneeling down beside her, lifting her hair away from her face so that he could take a proper look at her. There was a trail of blood that ran down the side of her face, the vibrant burgundy contrasting her porcelain skin and leaving a small circle of red on the floor. He reached to check her pulse, his racing heart slowing slightly once he found it. Then considering the wound near the hairline on the left side of her face, he realised it was not a huge gash; the bruising would probably be worse that the cut itself once the blood had been cleaned up. He was still examining it when Nikki groaned and opened her eyes.

Her hand automatically reached for the side of her head, confusion apparent in her expression when her fingers came away sticky with semi-dry blood.

"Leo?" Nikki asked, fear seeping through into her voice. Her eyes darted back and forth, as if trying to figure out what had happened. He rested a hand on her arm in an attempt to calm her. "What are you doing here?" She finally managed to get her thoughts straight for long enough to form a question, one of many that was stumbling erratically through her brain at that moment.

"I let myself in – you didn't answer the door, and after last night I was worried." Leo paused. "Quite justifiably, apparently." He added, part of him wanting to impress his concern on Nikki so that she would understand, the rest of him worrying that he'd upset her at a time that she had enough to be dealing with. "Do you remember what happened?" he questioned, gesturing towards her wounded head. Nikki seemed to take a moment to consider his question, before slowly shaking her head and choosing that moment to sit up. Her head spun, eyes closing momentarily as she took a deep breath to calm herself.

Leo looked around; trying to ascertain what Nikki could have hit her head on. After finding a small, barely dry, blood stain on the corner of a bedside table, he concluded that she may have hit her head after losing her balance getting out of bed; he'd seen her wobble and stumble unsteady on her feet a few times recently. After this he was beyond dismissing it.

"I think we should get you to hospital, you need to be checked out." Leo's tone was authoritative, much like when he spoke to the university students. Nikki's large eyes stared back at him as she shook her head.

"I'm fine, I just need to sleep." Before Leo even had a chance to disagree, Nikki was violently sick. Somehow she managed to miss both of them, yet Leo noted that she looked just as shocked as he did. Apparently she hadn't seen, or rather felt, that coming. Leo's concern increased. "Sorry." Nikki muttered under her breath, obviously embarrassed.

When she looked up and their eyes met again he could see the acceptance in hers. She wasn't going to argue anymore.

Leo helped Nikki to her feet, sending her into the bathroom with some clothes to dress in, whilst he cleared up her bedroom. It wasn't pleasant, but in their line of work he had dealt with far worse.

When she emerged; dressed but still pale and slightly unsteady, Leo led her out of her flat and down to his car. It worried him that he had to guide her into the passenger seat, although he didn't really know why, as he was almost permanently worried about Nikki at the moment. And yet the concern seemed to keep coming, free from limitation. It was rather exhausting, but he knew that now wasn't the time to rest.

...

**A/N... spare a moment to let me know what you think…?**


	4. chapter three

_chapter three_

The fact that they walked into the emergency room with Leo's arm supporting Nikki and a line of blood down the side of her face seemed to get them seen to rather a lot faster than usual. They were soon ushered into a cubicle, the curtains drawn around them, a nurse hurrying off in search of a doctor. Leo was rather thankful they didn't have to wait long, he had already ignored a couple of phone calls and could tell that Nikki had noticed and was about to try to send him away to deal with them.

"Hi, I'm Dr Jenkins." The woman who entered the curtained-off area must have been in her late forties, though looked rather good for it, and was far better presented than a lot of the doctors running around the place. Her dark brown hair was twisted back in a sophisticated style, her clothes beneath her lab coat appeared to be of a high quality. Her professional appearance soothed Leo's nerves a little. "You must be Dr Alexander." It was a nice change for both of them to see a doctor that didn't have to glance down at the chart again to check the name of her patient.

"Nikki." She was aware that the voice that supplied her own name didn't seem to have much strength behind it.

"Okay Nikki, I'm just going to ask you a few questions." The doctor received a nod in response. "Any nausea or headache?"

"I have a headache." Nikki answered looking a little disoriented, so Leo took the opportunity to fill in some extra details for her.

"I found her unconscious, but she's stayed conscious since she woke. And she was sick soon after I found her." The doctor nodded silently as she shone a light into Nikki's eyes, checking her pupil reactions. Then she stepped back, and took a moment as if to consider Nikki. "Doctor?" Leo questioned.

"She seems to have a mild concussion, but I'm going to send her for a CT scan just for precaution." She paused for a moment. "Any other symptoms?"

"She hasn't been feeling well for a while." Leo butted in before Nikki had a chance to answer. "I think she probably fainted this morning, which caused the head injury."

"I'm okay, it's probably just the flu or something." Nikki wasn't hugely convincing.

"Well, I'll get a nurse to take some bloods and run a full blood count as well just to make sure there isn't anything else." The doctor stated, both Nikki and Leo nodding in response before she left, pulling the curtains shut behind her again.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Nikki playing with her nails as she often did when nervous or slightly uncomfortable. Leo finally answered his phone the next time it rang, but Nikki could only hear him talking quietly in clipped tones as he had turned away from her; she couldn't make out exactly what he was saying.

It was a surprisingly short wait until a nurse came to take Nikki for the scan. Despite Nikki insisting that Leo didn't have to wait for her, she knew he'd be there when she got back. Behind all of her outward confidence she was silently grateful.

Nikki was brought back from the scan in a wheelchair, which she despised, but that was hospital policy for you. Although, underneath her annoyance, she was aware that it would have been rather embarrassing if she had collapsed again, and then she would never manage to convince Leo that he could leave her and go to work. He gave Nikki a hand getting back onto the bed, and she found herself hoping that he didn't notice how unsteady she was still feeling. Once settled on the bed, Nikki turned her attention back to Leo, and focused her full energy on persuading him to leave.

"Leo, you should go to work, I'll be okay." He didn't look impressed with her suggestion. "Really, I'm feeling better, I've just got to wait for the results of the CT and I'm sure they'll let me go home." His phone rang again as if to put Nikki's point across more firmly. Leo ignored it this time.

"You'll need someone to keep an eye on you at home, let me call Harry."

"It sounds like you're both going to be rather busy." Leo raised his eyebrows at her.

"As soon as he finds out what's happened he'll be dashing round to your place anyway." He spoke with confident knowledge of their closeness.

"Can you just tell him I'm not feeling well – don't tell him about this, I don't want to worry him." Leo was pretty sure his confusion was written across his face as she spoke. "Please Leo, I just want to go home and rest, I don't need Harry running around me panicking." The frown stayed on his forehead. "I'll talk to him once I'm back at work." He didn't know why Nikki was so insistent on not telling Harry what was going on, it was so unlike her.

"Nikki, I won't lie to him, but I can ask him not to come around to yours." She nodded somewhat reluctantly in response, realising that Leo wasn't going to be swayed on this.

When he finally left, Nikki lent back on the bed, legs crossed in front of her. Despite all of her pretences, she had a throbbing headache, still felt a little nauseous, and was tired of pretending that she didn't feel rotten. She didn't want Leo to know, he'd only worry more, and then he would never have left, and she couldn't keep him from work all day. Not only would she feel bad enough about that, but then Harry would get concerned as well once he found out the reason for Leo's absence. Nikki couldn't really explain why, but she really didn't want to worry Harry with this.

She knew she'd have to cope alone anyway, even if something else was wrong. It wasn't that Leo and Harry wouldn't be there for her, she was entirely certain that they would be, but she couldn't bear to be that much of a burden on either of them. She already felt as if she had caused enough problems in the last few months. Harry had obviously been worried during the Silverlake case, once he realised she didn't have quite the hold on reality that she usually did. And Leo. She saw the looks when they were in Budapest. In between freaking out himself, she could tell that Leo knew her grip on sanity was slipping. Even after they found Harry, she wasn't quite right, and she was sure he had noticed. Not that he had said anything; he wasn't the type to, not during a time like that, not unless he was totally sure that it had reached that point where he had no other choice.

The way she supposed it had yesterday, when Leo finally decided she wasn't fooling him anymore. Nikki sighed, leaning back against the pillows on the bed and running a trembling hand through her blonde hair. She wasn't sure when her life had become such a mess. Thinking back, she was sure there had been a time when she was in control. Now it felt like she'd spent so long drifting along with everything happening around her, feeling totally powerless to have any impact upon anything, that she could barely remember what it was like to be in control of her life. Which made working out how she could possibly get back to that state far beyond her current comprehension, even if her head wasn't throbbing in time with her heartbeat.

...


	5. chapter four

_chapter four_

Harry practically pounced on Leo when he finally made it into work.

"Leo? Where have you been? I've already had a call out this morning, and two more have just come in." Harry was quite obviously frustrated, a slight hint of anger detectable in his tone of voice. Leo sighed, running a hand over his hair, trying to avoid the feeling of exhaustion already creeping in.

"I was at the hospital, with Nikki. She banged her head – I took her to get checked out." Harry's demeanour changed instantly upon hearing Leo's words.

"What happened? Is she alright?" It made Leo smile inside at how quickly Harry's attitude could change when Nikki was involved. Leo walked into his office, using the moment it took to decide how much to tell Harry. Nikki's reluctance to let Harry know made Leo wonder if something else was going on. If it was something between the two of them he was pretty sure he didn't want to get in the middle.

"It was just a little knock on the head, she'll be fine." Leo said simply.

"I should go check on her-" Harry started, worry evident in his tone.

"We should leave her to rest, she said she'd call if she needs anything." Leo was rather surprised when the slight hints of a lie slipped out of his mouth. He didn't have the intention to lie to Harry, somehow it had just happened. He had definitely spent too much time around Nikki lately; her recent habits of lying and hiding the truth seemed to have rubbed off on him.

Harry frowned, but found himself nodding anyway. There didn't seem much room for argument, and he although he was worried, he didn't want to disturb Nikki when she needed to rest. He turned away from Leo, intending to head back to his desk and pick up the details of the latest call he had received.

"Let me know if she calls?" He questioned, turning back to face Leo. He received a nod in reply, and took that as his cue to leave.

Harry didn't have the time he usually would to dwell on it, the day rushed by in a frantic state, with more bodies than usual, and without Nikki there to help, both he and Leo were run off their feet.

...


	6. interlude

_interlude_

He hated it when he got stuck in the middle of the two of them. It was usually when either one told him something important they hadn't told the other yet, or on the rare occasion they had a fight. And damn, when they had a fight they really knew how to fight. It always seemed as though they would never sort it out, and then somehow everything would go back to normal one day. He'd walk into work and Harry would be teasing Nikki, she'd be laughing at his appalling jokes and they would be fine again. Sometimes he couldn't get his head around their relationship, not that he found himself with any real desire to try. He was pretty sure that whatever was between the two of them could never truly be explained.

...


	7. chapter five

_chapter five_

"Crap." Dr Jenkins stated in a rather un-doctor like manner, looking at the CT scan on a light board. The technician beside her turned to consider her comment.

"Whoa – that's a big one – how old?" The technician asked. Dr Jenkins sighed before replying.

"She's in her mid-thirties."

"That's harsh."

"Yeah." Dr Jenkins sighed again. She hated giving news like this, especially when it was going to be so unexpected. "Do you know if Dr Owen is in today?" She received a slight shake with the response.

"Day off I think, you'll have to refer your patient." The technician replied as he left the room.

"Yeah." Dr Jenkins found herself letting her head fall into her hands for a moment. She had been doing this job long enough to know that she shouldn't let it get to her, and most of the time it didn't, most of the time she managed to be totally professional. However cold she considered professionalism to be at times, she usually managed it. But occasionally there were particular cases or patients that got to her. She wasn't sure why, as they didn't follow any type of pattern that she could discern.

Yet it seemed this was one of them. Maybe it was the absolute shock it would be, her patient obviously having no idea what was coming when she would take her into her office to talk. Maybe it was the trace of innocence she had seen when she looked into her eyes. A trace of innocence that she could tell was only hanging on by a thread at this point. Or maybe it was just those large brown eyes, looking so confused and frightened, that the doctor almost wished she could just take her into her arms and hold her tight to make it all better. If only medicine were that simple.

...

**A/N... I am officially addicted to reviews…so please feel free to feed this addiction!**


	8. chapter six

_chapter six_

"But I'm just tired, and feeling a little off, I can't- it can't-" Nikki was mildly aware as she shook her head that her breaths were becoming ragged and irregular, and forced herself to slow them into a more steady rhythm.

"Is there someone I can call to pick you up?" This question seemed to make Nikki even more confused. The doctor was used to people instantly knowing there was someone, friend or family, that they could call. Yet the woman in front of her looked as if she was having to give it some real thought. Eventually she shook her head slightly.

"No, not really." Part of her desperately wanted to call Harry, or Leo, but something in her mind told her that she should just be alone. She couldn't bear the thought of having to tell either of them. She thought about how good it would be to have Harry's arms wrapped around her, comforting her, but with that she'd have to provide an explanation. And her brain couldn't figure out how she would do that.

"The man that was with you earlier-"

"Leo, he's had to go back to work."

"You should really have someone to keep an eye on you given the concussion." Nikki had almost forgotten that was the reason she had ended up here today.

"He's going to come and check on me later." Dr Jenkins didn't look too happy with the situation. "I'll phone him when I leave." Despite saying it with certainty, Nikki wasn't quite sure if she would. "Could I get a copy of those results – I'd like to do a little reading later on." Nikki didn't add that she also needed to see it written down, because right now the world felt like a blur and she was sure she'd need to read it a few times to get her head around it.

"Of course. I'm going to prescribe you dexamethasone to help with some of the symptoms, and refer you to see our consultant neurologist. He'll need to confer with one of our oncologists, and probably a neurosurgeon as well."

It was all happening so fast; Nikki suddenly found that she couldn't be in that room anymore. She felt as though she couldn't breathe, as if the walls were closing in around her. Before she knew it she had left the doctor's office, was running down the corridors of the hospital and didn't stop until she breathed in the almost fresh air of London.

She was slightly surprised when Dr Jenkins found her a while later. Nikki was still leaning on a wall outside, the world was spinning around her and leaving her with no idea what to do next. She felt a gentle hand rest on her shoulder.

"I've brought you the copies you wanted." Nikki turned around and was met by Dr Jenkins soft expression. "And these are your discharge forms, you will need to sign them before leaving." Nikki nodded slightly, allowing herself to be led back inside to a desk where she could fill them in. She was sure that the doctor probably had a hundred other patients to see, but for some reason she waited as Nikki completed the forms. A nurse appeared with Nikki's coat and bag just as she was finishing. She barely managed a smile as thanks, but shrugged on her jacket and clutched her bag tightly in one hand as the nurse disappeared again, and Nikki turned to face the doctor.

"Thank you." This time she managed to form words, though when they came out she realised she didn't recognise her own voice anymore. As if she was disconnected from her body somehow. Dr Jenkins nodded, concern apparent in her eyes despite almost being hidden by professionalism.

"Good luck." She said simply before Nikki turned to leave.

...


	9. chapter seven

_chapter seven_

_...  
_

'_Hi Leo, just to let you know I'm home and I'm okay. Nikki xx'_

'_Good. I'll be coming around after work, do you need me to pick up anything on the way?' _Leo's text message was straight to the point as usual.

'_No, I'm fine, you don't need to come over.' _As if the text itself wasn't enough to concern Leo, he wasn't sure he'd ever received a message from Nikki without a couple of kisses at the end, except for when something was wrong.

'_I'll be there about half six, let me know if you want me to pick up some food.' _His message didn't leave much room for discussion, and Nikki found herself too tired to argue, instead just accepting that she wouldn't be able to dissuade him. She considered texting back to tell him to let himself in, so that she wouldn't have to move from her spot on the floor, but figured it would only make him worried enough to come around earlier. And despite her longing not to be alone right now, she wasn't sure she could deal with anyone quite yet.

...

It was late in the day by the time Harry had a moment to stop and think. He wandered into Leo's office, finding Leo in the process of packing up.

"Heading home?" Harry asked as he entered. Leo glanced up at his words and nodded. "Did you hear from Nikki at all?" He couldn't help the worry seeping into his tone.

"She sent me a text earlier, said that she's alright. I'll stop over there on my way home just to check she doesn't need anything though." Leo answered, hoping that his own concern wasn't too obvious. He didn't want to worry Harry any more than he already was, nor did he want to deal with how he'd get if he was seriously anxious about Nikki.

"Do you want me to come?" Leo shook his head slightly at Harry's question.

"You've still got a couple of reports that need to be finished, and you're on call tonight, you should try to get some sleep." Harry nodded slowly.

"Yeah, you're right." It felt slightly wrong to Harry that he wasn't round there looking after Nikki already. Not that she probably needed looking after, but he liked to try on occasion. "Tell her to call me if she needs anything?" Leo noticed the slight trace of uncertainty in Harry's voice and again wondered what was going on between the pair. He simply nodded again in response, letting Harry turn and leave, a slight slump obvious in his stature.

Harry sat down at his desk, glancing over at Nikki's and allowing a sigh to escape. He couldn't help but feel a little put out that Nikki hadn't spoken to him, but he tried to brush it off. Things had been a little weird since Budapest, he had been a little weird since Budapest, and he wondered if Nikki was just tired of him after all of her efforts to keep an eye on him. He knew he hadn't been the best company recently and she had put up with his mood swings without complaining. Shaking his head to himself, he was sure he'd just figured it out, Nikki just needed a bit of space from him. And if she needed rest anyway, he doubted that having him fluttering around her would help much. That must be it, she just needed a bit of space to breathe, he told himself. He could do that, he'd give her a little space, if that was what she needed he could manage that.

...

**A/N… sorry it's a short one, but the next chapter is longer I promise! Hope people are still reading and enjoying - please let me know what you think…**


	10. chapter eight

_chapter eight_

Leo knocked on her door once more. He didn't hear any reply, and wondered if she was just asleep. He put the key that was already waiting in his hand into the lock, opening the door gently and starting to enter.

"Nikki? It's Leo." He called out as a warning for her before stepping into the flat and closing the door behind him. He glanced around the living room, but was drawn towards the kitchen for some reason. When he entered he knew why.

Amongst a spread of papers on the floor, he spotted Nikki shrunk into a corner, a blanket wrapped tightly around her shoulders. She looked up to meet his gaze as he entered the narrow room, wanting to say something but having no idea where to start. Leo seemed to sense this, and so didn't speak either. He moved a little further into the room, before crouching down over the papers and beginning to read. Part of him considered whether he was intruding on her privacy, but was sure she would say something, or would have cleared up the papers, if she didn't want him to know. His stomach sank as he scanned the pages.

There was a range of pages, some obviously printed from internet sites, some professional looking medical documents, a leaflet or two, and amongst the mess he noticed a couple of big medical texts open as well. Moving the papers around as he read, he found a copy of a brain scan. Holding it up, he strained to see against the barely lit room.

His stomach sank the remaining distance it could and he felt physically sick. He turned to look at Nikki, shaking his head as he did so and muttering 'no' under his breath. Her body was trembling slightly, her face white, making her dark eyes stand out even more than usual. She suddenly looked like a little kid, a little kid that was scared and didn't know how to deal with it yet.

He wasn't sure how long they just stared at each other, both too shocked to do much else. Leo wanted to say something, but his brain was still processing, and it wasn't like he'd be able to say anything that would actually help.

She eventually broke their eye contact, running a trembling hand across her face and looking away. Leo felt his body shift; the ground came up to meet him as his legs stretched out and his back found a cupboard door to lean against. The next phase of limbo lasted almost as long as the first, neither of them saying anything or even looking at each other now.

Finally Leo realised he'd have to make the first move, or they'd be sitting there all night.

"Have you eaten yet?" Leo asked. Nikki turned to look at him, surprise at his words written across her face. She shook her head slightly in reply, and watched as he stood up, walking across to her oven, flipping a couple of switches and then routing around in her freezer. It didn't take him long to emerge with a pizza, he had known that she'd have at least a couple in there. Their job had such irregular hours at times, combined with the fact Leo was pretty sure Nikki didn't actually cook, meant that he had been sure she'd have plenty of food that could just be shoved into an oven without requiring any preparation.

Once the oven was warm enough, Leo placed the pizza in, setting the timer and stepping back wondering what to do next. It was supposed to take 18 minutes to cook, and he didn't really want to sit in silence again. He crouched down near to Nikki, who had barely moved, and motioned towards all the papers with his hands.

"Do you mind if I clear these up?" Again Nikki looked a little surprised at his question, but shook her head gently in reply as before.

He felt her eyes watching him as he stacked all the papers up neatly, closing the text books and placing them all in a pile. Glancing at her first, as if to ask permission, he took them through to her living room and placed them neatly on the table. Part of him wanted to hide them away where they could never be found, but it wasn't really his place to do that, and at least now Nikki wouldn't have the mess on the kitchen floor as a reminder in the morning. Staring at them for a moment, he took a deep breath, letting it out slowly in an attempt to calm himself.

The next thing he knew, his senses were picking up the aroma of melted cheese, and an annoying beeping sound was coming from the kitchen. He shook himself awake again, aware that he must have zoned out, and returned to the kitchen. Nikki hadn't moved, despite the oven timer beeping at her rather persistently.

Leo cut up the pizza, putting the pieces onto a plate, and grabbing a couple of pieces from the kitchen roll on the side. He sat down beside Nikki, mirroring her body position with his own, placing the plate down between them, and helping himself to the first piece. It was a while before Nikki reached across to take her own piece. She nibbled at it slowly, but Leo honestly hadn't expected anything different this evening.

Once again they didn't speak as they ate, and Leo was glad for the food acting as a distraction. Though he honestly wondered who had picked at their pizza the most out of the two of them. It jolted Leo out of his thoughts when Nikki was the one to break the long silence.

"Janet's probably waiting for you at home." When she eventually spoke, Nikki's voice was a little rough, but more steady than Leo had expected. What didn't surprise him was the fact that her first words were about concern for him, rather than anything to do with herself. Nikki was still in there behind all the silence and scared eyes.

"Yeah." He replied softly, letting his gaze fall down on the plate of pizza which neither of them had managed to eat enough of to finish. Despite this the food seemed to have helped her regain some strength. Whether physical or emotional, he wasn't quite sure, but at least she was talking now. Seemingly sensing Leo's reluctance to move, Nikki spoke up again.

"It's okay, you have to go home at some point." This time Leo turned to look at her, examining her features closely, causing her to shrink back slightly under the intensity of his gaze. "I'll be okay." Her tone was flat, and although totally unconvincing in some ways, it was still what Leo needed to hear before he could leave her.

Leo nodded his head, pushing himself up off the floor. He retrieved the left over pizza and placed it on the side work surface, before lending a hand to Nikki in order to help her up. She followed him out of the kitchen and into her little entrance hall; both of them hesitating now that he was about to go. He started talking again, not quite feeling ready to leave her alone.

"Are you going to talk to Harry tomorrow?" Leo thought he saw a flash of guilt and fear cross her face as she shook her head in reply.

"I'm not ready to tell anyone, I don't want anyone to know."

"You at least have to tell Harry." Nikki shook her head again, very definite in her response, her determination on this matter visible across her face. "Nikki-"

"Please, Leo." There were tears in her eyes as she pleaded with him. "Please don't say anything."

"Nikki, this isn't something you can keep from him. He deserves to know, not to mention the fact he'll notice that something's wrong." She shook her head gently, a few loose blonde curls trailing behind the movement.

"He's been through so much recently. I can't tell him, I can't do that to him." The look Leo gave her was one that she'd never experienced from her own father, but she always regarded as the disapproving look a father would give his child when they didn't agree. As usual it sent a sense of belonging through her despite the uneasy conversation that accompanied it. She clung onto the feeling for a moment, the importance of it even more apparent to her now.

"And what do you think it's going to do to him when he finds out you've been keeping it from him, how is that any better?" Nikki let one hand reach up and her head fall onto it, avoiding answering for a moment.

"Just give me some time, I need some time." Despite not looking up, she could almost sense Leo's desire to say more, to push, and found herself rather grateful when he decided not to.

...


	11. interlude two

_interlude_

He would give anything not to see her have to go through more. There should be a limit to how much was allowed to be thrown at one person in one lifetime. Although when he thought of it that way, all three of them had probably dealt with enough and deserved a break. If only the universe was that fair.

It tugged at his heart and a small part of him wished he'd never offered her the job, never been drawn in by her unique personality, never opened himself up to more pain. He felt the guilt stream through him merely seconds after the thought, he wouldn't change the friendships he had with Harry or Nikki for anything. And yet there was a side of him that thought the best defence against ever feeling the pain of losing someone you love is not to let yourself become close to anyone in the first place. He was terrible at it, he had tried to push them away after his wife and daughter died, but they would never let it happen. And so he found himself in this position.

...


	12. chapter nine

_chapter nine_

After Leo had left, Nikki stripped down to her underwear, pulling on a large floppy top that was lying across the back of a chair, and curled up in bed.

Her body trembled and shook as she pulled the covers up under her chin, tucking her arms in underneath and curling her body into itself as much as physically possible.

The shaking didn't seem to ease. Even as the bed slowly warmed to her body temperature, it didn't seem to affect her quivering frame. She wished it would stop, she really wanted to sleep so that she could forget for a while, but her muscles were tensing up with the movements and preventing her from resting. Leaving her usually over-active mind to go into complete overdrive.

Nikki wasn't sure what time it was when her body finally dragged her mind into sleep, but it didn't feel like she'd been asleep long when her alarm woke her. The small amount of sleep had been scattered with strange dreams, and Nikki found herself rather grateful when she felt the memories of these dreams slipping away from her.

Her mind thought back to the night before. To how sweet Leo had been, and she had repaid him by sitting in silence most of the evening, barely returning the hug he gave her before leaving. She couldn't help but wonder if he had really meant what he said: 'Call me if you need anything. I don't care what time of day it is, I want you to call me, okay?'. She wasn't sure, but figured she must have nodded in reply; he probably wouldn't have left otherwise. It was strange that parts of the previous day were totally clear in her mind, even though she wished they weren't, and yet other parts of the day were shrouded in confusion and backed up by pale memories. She knew that Leo must have driven her to the hospital, but couldn't remember it, and she wasn't sure how she'd got home from the hospital again, taxi she supposed, but she couldn't really remember that either.

Standing in front of the mirror in her bathroom, Nikki pushed her hair back off her face to take a good look at herself. A large purplish bruise had formed near the hairline around a small cut. She supposed that was probably why she didn't remember everything. Her eyes dropped from her hairline, suddenly meeting their own reflection. Nikki gasped, stepping back slightly. She looked different. Something looked different. And it wasn't just the exhaustion evident on her face, she almost didn't recognise herself. Her face creased up in pain and fear, causing her to turn away from her reflection.

Nikki stepped into the shower, letting the hot water beat down on her back. Tilting her head back, she felt the water wash over her face, creating the sensation of hot tears being chased down her cheeks. Though Nikki knew she wasn't crying, despite part of her longing to; the tears just didn't come.

...


	13. chapter ten

_chapter ten_

"You didn't have to come in today." Leo met Nikki as she entered the Lycell centre a few hours later.

"I know." Her words were simple, but Leo read all of the unspoken words in her expression. After all, what was she supposed to do all day if she didn't come into work? He nodded in response, taking a moment before he spoke again.

"No crime scenes, no post-mortems." Nikki looked about to argue before Leo continued. "You had a concussion yesterday; I'm not sending you out in the field. There's plenty of paperwork to be done." This time she nodded in agreement, understanding his reasoning. She wasn't planning on telling Leo, but she was still feeling a little unstable, and had a decent headache. Though she wasn't sure now if the headache was from the knock on the head or not. She'd been getting headaches quite a lot recently; maybe she should have paid more attention to them. She felt a hand on her arm, Leo attempting to bring her back from where her thoughts had taken her, obvious to him from the ghostly look that had crossed her face. She nodded again, trying a smile to accompany it.

Whether their conversation had met a natural end or whether Leo was going to say more, Nikki would never know as they were interrupted by Harry rushing over to her. Leo left them to have a moment together, not that either was particularly aware of him walking away, both already fully absorbed by each other.

"Are you alright?" Nikki nodded, a small smile gracing her lips as Harry squashed her into a hug. She took a moment to reply, catching her breath and waiting until the hug was over and they both pulled away a little.

"I'm fine." He frowned, unsure whether to believe her. "Really, Harry, I'm fine."

"Hmm." Harry muttered, taking one hand to her chin, and holding it in place as the other pushed her hair away from the side of her face. "Nice bruise you've got going on there Niks." He hadn't meant to, but the sarcasm came out so automatically he might as well have no control over it. "How did you manage that?" His tone became rather more serious.

"I must have slipped, it's a little fuzzy to be honest." Nikki tried to make her voice light and slightly jokey, but was pretty sure she had failed miserably. Despite this, Harry accepted her words, a little too easily. He used to see straight through her and Nikki wasn't sure why he hadn't this time, but she told herself to just be grateful and not push it.

"You really should be more careful, can't have you missing any more days of work, we were rushed off our feet yesterday!" Nikki allowed a slight smile to fall upon her face at his words, his attitude always did make her smile, no matter how annoying it could be at times, and if she could just hold onto that then she could get through the day without saying something that would give him a clue to what was really going on.

Harry sighed when he entered the locker room a few minutes later to change into his scrubs for his next post-mortem. He hoped he'd managed it, that he'd been less intense and more like the old Harry, and therefore less of an effort for Nikki. It was going to take some work, but part of him wondered whether if he pretended he was back to normal for long enough, maybe it would just happen as a result, without him even noticing. It wasn't a major issue either way, as much as he wished he could undo some of what had happened to him. He knew he'd deal with it eventually, his priority now was making sure he wasn't such a burden to Nikki. He couldn't bear to lose her friendship by being so energy consuming. And that was something he was sure that he could be at times.

...


	14. chapter eleven

_chapter eleven_

Leo looked up from his computer at the soft knock on his door frame. He gestured for Nikki to come in; taking note of how uncomfortable she looked. Since he first met her, she had exuded a quiet confidence, and yet right in that moment she looked as if all of her confidence had been lost. He watched her fiddle with her nails as she stared at the floor, finding the nerve to speak. Leo wasn't sure how long they stayed in limbo, but she eventually glanced up, barely holding his gaze as she spoke.

"I have an appointment at the hospital with a specialist tomorrow. Could you-" Nikki paused, knowing she needed to ask but had never been very good at asking people for favours. She took a deep breath before trying again. "Could you come with me?"

"Of course, I'll be there." Leo's voice was full of support. Nikki nodded awkwardly, finally looking directly at him, if only for a moment.

"Thanks." Leo watched as Nikki slipped quietly back out of his office. He tried to force his mind back to the report in front of him, instead finding it drifting onto other things. Not just what Nikki was going through, although that had him seriously worried. He found on the occasions where something happened to make him stop, think, and re-evaluate his life, all sorts of thoughts, memories and ideas seemed to find their way into his mind. Sometimes it seemed like a good thing, a chance for a mental spring clean, but Leo wasn't sure he had either the energy or desire to delve that deep at the moment.

Before leaving work that day, Leo found himself covering for Nikki again as he pre-empted Harry's questions by letting him know that he would be out for a few hours the next day, and as it was Nikki's day off Harry would have to hold down the fort. Harry seemed to accept Leo's loose explanation quite easily. Leo made a mental note that Harry still wasn't quite his usual self either, but Leo was too preoccupied with Nikki to deal with that right now.

...

**A/N… sorry for the lack of uploading for a few days, real life has been a little hectic! hoping that you're still out there and enjoying reading this, please do let me know! **


	15. chapter twelve

_chapter twelve_

"Have you noticed any behavioural changes in yourself in the past few months?" Nikki looked surprised at the question from the doctor.

"I don't know – maybe." She turned to look at Leo, eyes meeting and minds obviously travelling to the same place as well. Leo decided to speak up, something he'd been doing a lot of lately.

"Nikki had a bit of a low period a few months ago." She looked away from him with that comment. They'd never really spoken about it since, and he had the feeling that she liked to pretend it never happened. Or at least, that it didn't get so bad that he and Harry had to intervene.

"Any visual or auditory hallucinations?" Dr Owen carried on his questioning, seemingly oblivious to the feelings of the other people in the room and the fact that they might need a moment. Nikki found herself longing for Dr Jenkins considerate and gentle attitude.

"Yes." As soon as she heard the question she had known that the answer would disturb Leo. It took a moment for the word to register, and then the shock came.

"What?" Leo exclaimed. "You never told us that." His heightened emotions must have finally reached the doctor, who looked up from his incoherently scribbled notes to give Leo a slightly disapproving look.

"Visual, auditory, or both?" The questions continued.

"Both." This time Nikki only heard a deep inhalation of breath from Leo. She kept looking straight at the doctor, not wanting to see the look on Leo's face beside her. Shock, she was sure would be present. Disappointment would probably be there too, and that was what she really didn't want to see. That and any trace of a look that showed that Leo thought he didn't really know her as well as he had previously believed. Nikki had no interest in seeing any of it, and so found her eyes staring at the doctor in front of her; greying hair, harsh features and all.

A range of questions followed. Nikki answered them, her voice worryingly level, and Leo remained silent for a long time. Although she was trying to pay attention to the doctor, Nikki's mind couldn't help but wander every few seconds. She wanted to know what Leo was thinking. Actually, she wasn't sure she did want to know, but she had always been a bit of a cat when it came to curiosity, she couldn't help herself.

At some point, after a few minutes of talking without asking any questions, the doctor's tone changed, and Nikki dragged herself back in time to hear the end of what he was saying. She really hoped Leo had been paying more attention if she ever needed any of this information.

"Right, so at this stage the treatment is intensive sessions of radiotherapy and chemotherapy." The doctor's straight-to-the-point manner left both Leo and Nikki struggling slightly to keep up, their brains needing an extra moment to process. Leo was the one who caught up first.

"What about surgery?" He asked.

"That's not an option at this stage – given the size and location of the tumour it would be too dangerous."

Nikki found herself drifting again as Leo asked the details of the treatments. She knew it was important for her to listen to this, but seemed to have no control as her mind phased in and out of the conversation, some muffled words getting through to her brain, the rest falling into the abyss. After a while she realised that both Leo and Dr Owen were staring at her, expecting her to say something, but she struggled to form words. Nikki wracked her brain for the details of what the doctor had said when she was barely listening.

Then suddenly a few things clicked into place, and her mood changed in an instant from totally overwhelmed to rather frustrated and angry.

"So I could go through the next six months with radiotherapy and chemotherapy that will make me feel like crap, and if I'm lucky I might have another few months after that? What an option." The sarcasm dripped from her voice like poison. Leo couldn't help but feel a little surprise at her tone, but then he couldn't exactly expect her to act like she usually would when in the face of such devastating news.

"Give it some thought, do some reading, and let me know what you decide. If you want to go ahead with treatment, the sooner we can start the better." Dr Owen finally sounded almost human.

"The better my chances of not dying?" Sarcasm still apparent in her tone, Nikki obviously didn't care at this stage.

"The better your chances of not dying so soon." The doctor corrected, not leaving much room for confusion. Leo looked rather furious at the statement, and yet a part of Nikki was rather glad for the frankness. At least it didn't leave too much room for unachievable hope. Which she had decided was pointless, there was no point hoping and wishing for something that could never happen, she learnt that a long time ago.

Out in the corridor, walking away from the doctor's office, Leo stopped suddenly. He turned to Nikki with a look on his face that made her take a small step back.

"How much more is there Nikki? What else aren't you telling us?" He instinctively referred to him and Harry where Nikki was concerned; almost forgetting she hadn't told Harry anything yet. "Damn it Nikki, you haven't even told Harry what's going on." Leo's voice raised, his tone becoming even more harsh. "What are you planning to do, wait until he finds your cold, dead body on a slab in front of him and let him figure it out that way?" As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Leo regretted them. He was so angry with the situation, so frustrated with Nikki not telling Harry; he let his temper get the better of him.

The look on Nikki's face when he glanced up only made him feel more guilty. She seemed to be a combination of shocked, appalled, and downright terrified. He wasn't sure if the fear was directed towards him or her own situation.

She opened her mouth as if about to speak, and must have realised she didn't have anything adequate to say in response to Leo's burst of anger, as she closed it again. She wouldn't meet his eyes, instead opting to look at the floor as she stood in shock, desperately wanting to get away from there, away from Leo, but her legs didn't seem to be cooperating yet. As her mind seemed to regain some control of her body, she shook her head a little, still not looking up, before her legs finally allowed her to turn and walk away.

"Nikki, I-" Leo hesitated, but Nikki kept walking. "Nikki-" His voice pleaded with her as she walked away, but she might as well have not heard as she made no sign of stopping.

...


	16. chapter thirteen

_chapter thirteen_

"Leo, what's going on?" Leo took a deep breath, letting his eyes fall closed for a moment as he debated the conflict of betraying Nikki or not telling the woman he loved what was tearing him apart. "Something's obviously been on your mind lately." He could tell by her tone of voice that she was angry; they'd been through this before, and he still occasionally found that he would keep things to himself rather than share his feelings. Whether out of habit or fear he wasn't quite sure.

Leo took a deep breath, sinking down into a corner of a slouchy, rather worn sofa. He reached up for one of Janet's hands and easily guided her towards the other side of the sofa. He kept hold of her hand as he began to speak. He hadn't exactly taken an opportunity to deal with his own emotions, and he knew this conversation would upset Janet as well.

"It's Nikki-" He hesitated, not sure how to explain. "She's ill, seriously ill." Janet frowned, concern written across her face. "She has a glioblastoma, an aggressive brain tumour, and the options aren't exactly good." When he glanced up from his focus on their joined hands, he found Janet had tears in her eyes. She looked almost as scared as he felt. "We're losing her Janet, we're losing her." Leo allowed his free hand to reach up and cover his face as he felt his body give in to all the emotion and stress that he'd been holding in so that he could be there for Nikki.

He felt his shoulders shudder, his breathing come in short gasps, and something hot running down his cheeks. Janet pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms around him and allowing a few of her own tears to fall. They sat like that for a while, before Leo pulled back slightly, took a deep breath and continued speaking.

"She won't tell Harry, she won't let me tell him." His voice was filled with pain, his breathing uneven. "We're losing her, and I'm so scared that it's going to happen even sooner because I'm pretty sure she wasn't coping too well with life before this came along." Janet looked up at that comment, a little surprised.

"You don't think she'd-" Janet stopped, not even able to form the words.

"I don't know." Leo shrugged, shaking his head. Janet pulled him back towards her, and that's how they stayed for most of the evening, holding each other close and trying to ignore the fact that life had just thrown them another major hurdle. How they were all going to overcome this one, neither was sure.

...


	17. interlude three

_interlude_

He was honestly a little surprised that Harry hadn't noticed something was wrong. Then again, he'd been pretty absorbed in his own feelings since coming back from Hungary. Understandably, considering everything that he went through out there. But Leo couldn't help but think he still should have noticed. They were usually so in each other's business that neither could have an off day without the other noticing and poking and prodding until they found out why. He often watched their interactions with a small smile on his face, they made such a pair; they really seemed to be good for each other. Such different personalities in many ways, they balanced each other out like oppositely charged particles.

It crossed his mind that things tended to spin out of control when something was removed from a perfectly balanced equation.

...


	18. chapter fourteen

_chapter fourteen_

She lay back letting her head drift under the surface of the warm water, blonde hair swirling around her face. She stayed there for longer than she had thought she could hold her breath; and yet she seemed to have no desire to take in oxygen.

Eventually, the desire returned, and she let her head float to the surface; mouth breaking free of the water first and inhaling a large breath of air. Shaking her head to clear some of the thoughts that had just crossed her mind, Nikki decided it was time to get out of the bath.

Wrapping herself up in a large, fluffy, grey towel, Nikki moved slowly through to her bedroom. Finding herself sitting on the edge of her bed, she realised that she had run out of energy again. As if all her reserves were dried up. She was vaguely aware of lying back on her bed, struggling to pull the sides of the duvet around her curled up form as the air began to cool her damp skin.

She was disoriented when she woke a few hours later, having slept the wrong way around in her bed, or rather, on top of her bed. She almost couldn't believe she had reached a point where she was too tired to move the covers back before falling asleep. Or for that matter, managing to dry herself after a bath, she thought as she discovered she was lying on and half covered by a damp towel.

Nikki sighed. She still felt tired. Glancing at the clock, she realised she'd slept for almost five hours. Considering the amount of sleep she'd been getting recently that pretty impressive. Not that it made her feel any less exhausted.

Every morning seemed to be like this now, waking up almost as tired as the night before, yet for some reason she still kept dragging her body out of bed. If she stopped, what would she do with herself then? The routine was quite possibly the only thing keeping her going. The thought scared her slightly when she realised how true it was.

A memory of lying underwater in the bath flashed before her eyes, and Nikki moved off her bed in an attempt to stop a tremble passing through her body, threatening to leave her even more exhausted. Pulling back the curtains, she allowed herself to dismiss the memory as a late night mind wandering. Somehow everything felt different in the harsh light of day, and she couldn't believe she'd actually considered it.

...


	19. chapter fifteen

_chapter fifteen_

The next few days were awkward. Nikki was polite and civil, but always managed to find an excuse to get away from him every time Leo tried to really talk to her. He wanted to apologise but didn't feel he had adequate words for it, and Nikki wouldn't give him a chance to try.

He watched her as she worked; she came in early, left late, and took on all that she could. He knew she was trying to distract herself and maybe even allow denial to take over, but who was he to stop her? He'd probably do the same under similar circumstances, they all would.

Watching her with Harry, he realised how good she was at acting. She joked with him, allowed him to tease her, smiled at all the appropriate moments. It was when Harry was gone that Leo could see her struggle. Sometimes as soon as Harry left the room Nikki would drop her head into her hands, exhausted by the pretence of being fine.

Leo observed her as discretely as he could, and wondered when he'd have to say something, if, or rather when he'd have to step in and stop her. She was looking more and more tired every morning; he seriously doubted whether she had more than a couple of hours of broken sleep a night. How much longer she could live like this he wasn't sure, both her mind and body needed to rest, and yet he couldn't see that happening any time soon.

Leo's concern increased when Nikki took on a new case. It soon turned into a high profile murder investigation, and it scared him to see her struggle through each day, keeping up appearances in front of police officers and colleagues, whilst attempting to find the evidence that would lead them to the killer.

She had always been determined and stubborn when she had a case, especially one that really got to her, yet Leo worried that this wasn't the time for her to throw herself full on into a difficult case. Ones like this left her physically and emotionally drained at the best of times, he'd seen it over and over in the years they worked together. Usually she'd bounce back a few days later, finally having got some sleep and a chance to get her head together again. He wasn't so sure that would happen this time.

He found her late one night, sitting in the conference room with photos and test results spread across the table in front of her. He entered the room slowly, taking a moment to look at her. She had her legs drawn up under her chin, arms wrapped tightly around them. Her shoulders appeared tense and her eyes distracted, no longer focused on the files before her.

"Don't-" She said before he even had a chance to say anything.

"Nikki, you need to go home." She shook her head gently, and he couldn't help but notice the way her eyes almost slid shut. He tried to reach out, to place a hand on her shoulder, but before it had even settled she was leaping out of her chair, backing away from him with a look in her eyes he couldn't define.

"Don't touch me." The venom slipped off her tongue with ease, and in that moment he wondered if it was still his friend that was standing across from him. Her eyes turned black with anger, and as he considered her face he truly didn't recognise her. A sense of terror filled him, a stray thought that he might have already lost his friend wandered through his mind and he stood frozen for a minute or two. "Leave me alone." Her tone was the same, and he found he couldn't argue with her. He backed out of the room, almost stumbling across the doorway, before turning and making his way back to his office. He sat down behind his desk still in shock.

It was only at home later on, whilst talking with Janet, that he realised that out of character behaviour was a symptom of the tumour. He wasn't sure why he hadn't remembered this earlier, but he was so shocked at the time that his brain obviously hadn't been in scientific mode. And although this knowledge explained Nikki's behaviour, it didn't really make it any easier to deal with. In some ways it only made the whole thing seem more real, and so much more immediate.

...


	20. chapter sixteen

_chapter sixteen_

Nikki sunk to the floor behind her front door when she finally got home that night. She was getting practiced at holding it together in public, but as soon as she was alone things seemed to fall apart. Casting her mind back a couple of hours she wasn't sure what had happened with Leo in the conference room. She remembered every detail and yet it felt as though she was watching her body do things that she'd never choose to do. Agonising fear seeped through her body at the thought that crossed her mind. She was losing herself. Almost more painful than the headaches she had been living with, the concept of who she believed herself to be was slipping away from her.

The floor had become a place of comfort for her recently, spending much time huddled into a corner or resting against a wall when she couldn't sleep or when she ran out of energy to move any further. It was a bizarre thing, to be so exhausted that you couldn't drag your body into bed, but so completely unable to sleep at the same time.

It was wearing her down. Acting as if she was fine to so many people. And the one person that knew the truth she had probably just pushed away for good. A small voice in that back of her head told her that she would probably never manage to push Leo away totally, no matter how hard she tried, and yet she was still struck with the overwhelming belief that it was too late. What could she even say to him to make things alright again between them? For a long time she'd been angry with him, with his harsh comments, before realising that she was really just angry with the world.

Her mind flashed back to the look on his face earlier that evening. He was so shocked and horrified; she knew she can't have looked like herself. She was slipping away, and wasn't sure if she had the energy or power to hold on any longer.

...

**A/N… so…beyond the next two chapters that are already written, I've got a big gap that needs filling (or maybe a medium-sized gap depending on how much I manage to write!) …so I kinda need to get some of that done and therefore may have a little delay before uploading again (I'll try to write quickly!). **

**Thank you to everyone that's reviewed so far…especially Flossie and tigpop - you are my little stars, your reviews keep me going and never fail to make me smile…**

**Anyone else out there reading (and I know you're there, I get lots of hits each chapter) please take a second to review, I would love to know what you think even if it's just a couple of words…(there's a button just down there…it won't take you long!)**


	21. chapter seventeen

_**for tigpop, flossie and dinabar...finally! (you'll see what I mean in a moment or two)**_

_..._

_chapter seventeen_

"Nikki?" Harry's shock almost stumped him for a moment, before he rushed across the cutting room to his colleague's still body on the floor. He could feel his own heart beating wildly in his chest as he felt for her pulse, taking a deep breath to calm himself when he found it. He then took a moment to glance up and down her body, looking for any obvious injuries, before rolling her gently from her side onto her back. As he did so, her eyes flickered as if trying to open and a quiet moan came from her mouth. "Nikki." His tone was rather forceful; he was hoping it would bring her around somehow. Her eyes flickered again, this time staying open a little longer. He gave her a moment, her eyes steadily opened further, and she obviously became more aware as one hand reached to hold her head, eyebrows screwing up. He could only assume she had a headache.

"Harry?" She eventually croaked, her voice rough and yet her tone almost fragile. "What happened?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing." He answered simply, his confusion slipping back into the forefront of his mind as his concern relaxed a little. Nikki avoided replying; instead deciding that sitting up would be a good idea, which she regretted after struggling to push her body up and having to accept assistance from Harry.

His concern increased again when her eyes unfocused and looked as though they were about to close once more.

"Nikki." He placed a hand on her shoulder, ready to steady her if she needed it. She shook off his concern, before finding herself reaching for the side of her head again as sharp pains ran through it.

"I need you to get Leo." Harry frowned as soon as the statement registered in his brain. Nikki hadn't even attempted to tell him what was going on; she was acting rather strangely, and her request confused him more so. "Please." Her voice had a slight hint of desperation in it, enough to make him put his own feelings to the side.

Harry nodded in reply, and after checking that Nikki was steady and safe where she was, he left the room in search of Leo.

As soon as he was gone, Nikki could feel moisture at the edges of her eyes. Willing herself not to start crying, knowing she'd never stop before Leo and Harry came back, she took a few deep breaths. Trying to breathe steadily against the pounding of her head and the feeling of nausea that was rising in her stomach was enough to keep her distracted until they returned.

Leo hurried over to her as he entered the room, crouching down in front of her as Harry hung back, feeling oddly out of place. Leo rested a hand on Nikki's shoulder, grabbing her attention.

As soon as she looked at him he realised that she'd forgiven him. There was none of the previous hurt in her eyes, instead he found a look of understanding, as if she'd finally seen why he said what he did, even if it hadn't been his intention to be so harsh, and that when it came down to it, Leo had been right all along. She should never have tried to keep this from Harry. Not only because it would never have worked for long logistically, but because Harry deserved more from her than lies and hidden secrets.

"I'm not sure I can stand." The strength it took for her to admit that she needed help was overwhelming. And Leo knew why she'd almost whispered it to him, she might have been able to admit it to him, but she wasn't ready to admit it to Harry. Because then she'd have to tell him. And despite knowing it was time, she still didn't feel ready. It was as if it would all become real once she told him, and she was putting it off as much for herself as for him. When his eyes met deep brown, she looked so young in an instant. So scared and so young. He wished he could take her into his arms and protect her from everything. He felt moisture at the edges of his own eyes as a result of the pain he felt. The pain of seeing her go through this and not being able to do anything about it.

As he carried her frail body to the sofa in his office, he couldn't help but consider how tiny she was. He knew there had never been much of her, but somehow she'd always appeared healthy despite being thin. Now her body felt ready to crumble under any small force. He made a mental note to ask her if the pain medication was making her sick, and whether she'd been eating at all recently. But that would have to wait until she was somewhat more aware, right now he knew she needed to rest.

"Leo?" Harry couldn't even find a way to mould all the questions running through his head into understandable sentences. He felt as though something major had been going on, and he'd just returned from a holiday into the middle of it. Yet he'd been here all along, so why was he so lost? So much for telling each other everything, Nikki had obviously skipped something big recently.

Between the anger and the persisting worry at still not knowing what was wrong with Nikki, it wasn't surprising that Harry was pacing up and down Leo's office. Leo calmly guided him out of the room, closing the door gently behind them. Harry now had far more open space to pace, and Nikki would hopefully get some peace.

Leo opted to remain silent whilst Harry paced. He was exhausted himself and to top it off he had absolutely no idea of what to say to Harry.

After a few minutes of pacing, Harry stopped. He turned to Leo with such anger in his eyes, Leo almost stepped back.

"What the hell is going on?" Before Leo had a chance to form an answer, a voice came from behind them.

"I have a brain tumour." The two men turned, they hadn't realised that Nikki was stood at the entrance to Leo's office. Nikki and Leo glanced at each other, both aware that this was the first time she'd said it out loud and the first step of acceptance for her. When she turned to look at Harry, she found confusion written across his face, his mouth slightly open as if to speak but he obviously didn't know where to start.

"What?" Finally slipped out, his tone weaker than either of the others had ever heard from him.

"I have a glioblastoma. It's advanced, there's not much that can be done." Harry seemed to be in shock, not taking the words in and looking everywhere except at Nikki or Leo. "I'm dying, Harry." It wasn't so much the words, but the acceptance in her voice and the look in her eyes when he finally met them, that made him understand.

Leo was watching them both closely, and could see the second that Harry's world essentially crumbled around him. He was still standing, he almost looked the same, but Leo could tell. It wasn't just Nikki's life this affected; the three of them had become so close that the impact would damage them all.

They all stood in an oddly suspended silence for a moment, before both Leo and Harry rushed forwards when Nikki lent her body against the wall, eyes almost closed.

"I'm alright, I'm just rather tired." Nikki explained as they both went to steady her, unsure how much either of them would believe. "It's been a long day." She expanded, rather at a loss of what else to say. She was so exhausted she let the two men continue to talk about her as if she was not standing between them.

"I'll take her home." Harry stated, turning to look at Leo.

"Are you sure? I can-" Leo started, cut off by Harry before he had a chance to finish.

"I'll look after her." Harry assured him. "And we need to talk." Leo nodded understandingly. Saying that they needed to talk was a long overdue understatement, if there ever was such a thing.

The car journey to Nikki's flat was painfully silent. She wondered whether Harry was waiting to blow up at her once they were out of the car. They both knew he had a temper at times, and therefore sitting in a moving car wasn't really the best place to start anything. Nikki found herself taking the uneasy quiet as an opportunity to close her eyes and faze out.

They had barely entered her flat before the questioning started.

"Why didn't you tell me? Leo obviously knew." Nikki took a moment to answer, settling into the corner of her sofa and frowning when Harry remained stood at the entrance to her living room. She took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Because I knew that once I told you it would become real, there'd be no denying it, no avoiding it. And that terrified me." Harry's anger dissipated in a microsecond. "It still terrifies me." His posture slumped as he joined her on the sofa.

"I thought we told each other everything, everything important at least." Harry was vaguely aware that he was acting rather like a needy little girl that wanted to know everything. Somehow he didn't care, this was too important to worry about whether he was being masculine enough.

"I know."

"So why? Why keep this from me?" A part of Harry knew she'd basically already answered that question, but he was so shocked and confused that his brain wasn't processing properly.

"I don't- I don't know- I-." Nikki struggled to form any kind of sentence "I'm sorry, I-" Harry's expression softened, soon followed by concern as the remaining colour fell from Nikki's face and her eyes seemed to lose focus.

"Nikki?" Harry was off the sofa and crouching in front of her in a second. Her eyes fell closed, one hand reaching for her mouth as a rush of nausea overcame her. She swallowed slowly, trying to regain some kind of equilibrium whilst her head was threatening to spin out of control. It took a couple of deep breaths before she managed to open her eyes. She was met with the concerned face of Harry before her. It frightened her to notice fear barely hiding behind the concern in his expression.

"I'm okay." Her voice was rather weak, and didn't convince Harry any more that it convinced herself. She saw moisture in the corner of his eyes.

"You're not though." Nikki looked away from him with that comment, tears welling up in her own eyes. She gasped as the first one dropped a warm trail down her cheek. She felt Harry reach a hand up to the side of her face, but couldn't bring herself to look at him. Another tear fell from her eyes, and her body began to tremble. Soon the flow was beyond her power to stop, and as Harry pulled her off the sofa into his arms she was vaguely aware of the fact that she hadn't cried during all of this. Now that she was crying, she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to stop.

...


	22. chapter eighteen

_chapter eighteen_

She had no real concept of time, but was held in Harry's arms until her tears finally dried up. The eventual emotional release left her feeling drained, and so she didn't resist when Harry lifted her and carried her through to her bedroom. Placing her on the bed, he ran a tender hand over her cheeks, as if attempting to remove the traces of tears. Her eyes remained open, yet her body felt half asleep as she felt him move down the bed to her feet. He undid her boots, slipping them off and pulling her socks off with them. Next he moved to her trousers, glancing up at her face to check that she was okay before unbuckling her belt and slipping her trousers down. In her haze, it crossed her mind that it was lucky she wasn't wearing her usual snug fitting jeans; he'd probably have struggled with them. Pulling the duvet cover up over her, he soon returned to her face, and she realised that she wasn't the only one that had been crying. His eyes were red, the skin around them swollen. He reached one hand to the side of her face, and Nikki finally found the energy to move her hand up to join it. Wrapping her hand around his, the world stopped for a moment as they stared into each other's eyes.

"Stay." She didn't have the energy for more words, and knew he'd understand. He nodded in agreement. The loss she felt as he pulled away was abated by the knowledge that it would only be for a minute. She watched as he slipped out of his clothes, leaving only his boxers on, and walked around the bed to slide in on the other side. He moved into the centre of the bed, reaching out for her as she turned so that his chest was pressed tightly against her back. His arms worked their way around to hold her, and she felt relaxed for the first time in weeks.

When they woke to sunlight beaming through the gap between the curtains the next morning, they had become inexplicably entangled. Limbs across and under one another's, Nikki's face tucked into Harry's neck, and arms tightly holding each other close.

She opened her eyes slowly, feeling him stir beside her. Looking into his eyes she found sadness staring back at her. Attempting to ignore it, Nikki smiled, taking a deep breath and enjoying the feeling she had felt before she had seen the emotion on his face.

"That's the best night's sleep I've had in a long time." She said simply. Harry couldn't help but notice the pure content in her voice.

"Glad I could be of assistance." His usual jokey tone came through, but Nikki could see the honesty hiding behind the attitude.

They laid there for a few minutes, hardly moving except for lungs sucking in oxygen every few seconds. Eventually Harry broke the still silence by looking over at the clock, sighing when he saw the time.

"I should get moving." At his words, Nikki followed his line of sight to the clock on her bedside table.

"I guess I should too." Harry turned back to her at her comment, a frown covering his face.

"I doubt Leo will expect you in today." Harry said, his own opinion that she shouldn't go into work showing through his statement. Nikki sighed, sitting up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed but stopping there rather than getting up, running a hand through her tousled blonde hair.

"I doubt Leo has expected me in for a while, but I still turn up every day." Harry looked at her disapprovingly, Nikki turning her head away from him in response. "What else do you suggest I do?" Nikki's tone changed slightly, frustration coming close to anger. Harry laid a comforting hand on the back of her shoulder, instantly calming her. Nikki hadn't even realised Harry had moved from his side of the bed. A second hand soon appeared on her other shoulder, moving to pull her body towards him slightly so that her back was resting against Harry's chest, his arms firmly wrapped around her holding her there. She took a deep breath and let her eyes fall closed. If only she could stay in this moment forever.

...

**A/N… thanks to everyone who has been reading and (especially) reviewing, sorry for the delay in updating, been having some writing issues combined with real life taking over! But might be back on a roll, so more should be coming soon – in the meantime, let me know what you think?**


	23. chapter nineteen

_chapter nineteen_

"You're looking better today." Leo commented, having beckoned Nikki into his office soon after she and Harry had arrived at work.

"Really?" Nikki couldn't help the sarcastic tones; she seemed to be rather dependent on them at times. The look Leo gave her told her in no uncertain terms that he knew exactly why she resorted to sarcasm, that she wasn't actually hiding anything from him, and that she needn't have bothered trying. "Sorry." She muttered somewhat under her breath before continuing. "I had a decent night's sleep, actually. Better than I've had in a while." A knowing smile spread to cover Leo's face; Nikki didn't look too impressed with it.

"Okay, aside from your great night's sleep, I actually wanted to talk to you about a couple of things." The change to a serious tone worried Nikki slightly, and she struggled to keep it from her face as she nodded in response. "And, before I start, could you promise to hear me out and not just get pissed off?" Nikki frowned; she wasn't sure what to make of that. Leo was hoping that what he saw in her face the previous afternoon meant that she was finally accepting her situation, but he couldn't help but wonder if she'd fall back a couple of steps and return to ignoring her health. At a time like this, ignoring her health was a lot more serious and a lot more stupid that it ever really had been for her.

"I guess." She didn't seem too happy with the agreement, not being at all sure what she was agreeing to, after all. Leo hesitated at her reply, he assumed he would receive more resistance, and now he wasn't sure where to start. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation by any means.

"We haven't really spoken, not properly, since that hospital appointment."

Nikki raised an eyebrow, looking directly at him so intensely he almost flinched.

"And you're wondering what I decided?" Leo nodded a little apprehensively, which was unusual coming from him. When Nikki didn't continue, but moved her gaze away so that she wouldn't meet his eyes, he decided to continue his questioning.

"You must have thought about it, did you make a decision?"

"Like there's much of a decision to make? I'm pretty much out of choices here Leo." The acrimony seeped through her tone. He sighed, he hadn't really wanted to get her on the defensive quite so soon.

"I'm not saying the choices are good." A bitter laugh escaped Nikki's mouth at Leo's words. He could tell he wasn't getting anywhere, so after a few moments of consideration he decided to try a different line of questioning. "Have you been eating properly? Because you've definitely lost some weight."

"What?" She was obviously a little shocked at that question.

"Nikki, you need to be taking care of yourself." She shook her head at him, her shock changing to anger in an instant.

"I don't need this right now." Nikki had made it half way to the door by the time Leo had a chance to speak.

"You said you'd hear me out." She turned back to look at him with such venom in her gaze that for a moment Leo felt as though he was back in the conference room with her a few nights before. He really didn't like that feeling. Changing his tone considerably, and dialling his own frustration back, he tried again. "You said you'd hear me out."

The more gentle tone of voice seemed to do the trick, Nikki visibly relaxed slightly, and looked a lot less likely to fly out of the room in the next instant.

"I'm sorry." It wasn't quite clear, was muttered under her breath somewhat and still had slight traces of annoyance in it, but Leo took the apology as a sign to continue.

"I'm worried about you." The honesty in Leo's voice made Nikki's expression soften. He took it as an opportunity to ask more. "What medications are you taking?"

"Just the dexamethasone and some painkillers, not that they do much. I've got another appointment with Dr Owen next week." Her tone, her behaviour, her whole body language changed so quickly Leo would have been shocked if he hadn't already seen it from her a couple of times recently. Her tone of voice with the next thing she said wasn't so much angry, as almost depressed. Leo honestly wasn't sure which was preferable. "I need something to stop me feeling like I want to throw up most of the day, and some painkillers that actually make a difference."

The apparent change in personality might not have surprised Leo this time, but it still worried him. He had known Nikki for long enough that he thought he usually had a pretty good read on her. So he didn't always notice what was going on with her when he was distracted, but certainly whenever he took the time to look he could usually tell whether something was wrong. And yet these abrupt changes in mood weren't really Nikki at all. He knew that she was going through hell, and that he couldn't expect her to be anything like her usual self. But it wasn't so much the different personalities she seemed to exhibit, as how quickly she jumped between them.

He couldn't even bring himself to raise the question of whether she should be working, whether she could work, and if that would change with different medications, or just time. He'd just have to keep an eye on her; he'd ask Harry to as well. If they were discrete, hopefully she wouldn't notice too much if someone was there through her procedures and checking on her paperwork. He hadn't noticed any issues yet, but he couldn't wait for mistakes to be made. And he couldn't bear to tell her that she wasn't allowed to work anymore, he wasn't sure what she would do with herself.

He couldn't cope with being the person that put a stop to her doing something she was so passionate about, at a time that he wasn't sure what repercussions it would have. Whether she'd be more likely to give up completely if he removed something she lived for. He couldn't put her in that position; he couldn't be the one to do it, not yet at least. He'd have to bide his time, see how things went, and hope that he didn't have to be the one to make that decision in the end.

...

**A/N… sorry for the lack of uploading, think the lovely warm sunshine distracted me and I almost forgot I was supposed to be working on this (oops). Thanks to everyone who's reviewed since the last chapters…your reviews make me smile (and remind me to keep writing!)**


	24. chapter twenty

_chapter twenty_

Harry soon realised that Nikki spent most of her nights tossing and turning. He didn't know if this was the norm for her, having previously only watched her sleep on occasions she was so exhausted or ill that she moved so little it worried him. If only that were the case now. No wonder she looked so tired each day; most of the couple of hours she spent sleeping involved so much movement neither her body nor mind could truly be resting.

He wasn't there every night, she didn't seem to want him there every night. But the days she wore herself out so much that neither he nor Leo would let her drive home, he somehow always ended up staying over. Truth be told, he wondered whether it was more for his benefit than hers. To reassure him that she was still there, that she wasn't going anywhere quite yet. He tried not to think about it too much; but as he watched her sleep on those nights he couldn't keep it from dominating his thoughts. By the way Nikki spent her nights shuffling around her bed; he assumed it was never far from the front of her mind either.

The next night that he found himself back in his own flat, alone, at a sensible time of the evening, he found himself pacing around his apartment in desperate need for something to take his mind off Nikki. He couldn't stop thinking about her, and it was eating him up inside. Dragging a bottle of scotch out of a kitchen cabinet, he downed a couple of shots before realising that getting drunk at home wasn't what he needed. He needed something to take his mind off her, off everything.

It didn't take long for him to switch shirts, with a quick freshen up in between, slap on some aftershave and call a taxi. He managed another shot whilst waiting for the cab to arrive, soon on his way to a bar he had used quite often recently as a place to meet women. He hadn't been looking for anything serious in a while, but he still had needs. And this bar was the perfect place to meet one-night stands that didn't usually expect much more from him than a cup of coffee in the morning before he politely threw them out.

The night went just as he had planned, right up until his alarm went off in the morning. He stumbled out of bed feeling rather worse for wear, and already running late. Leo was going to kill him. He had to admit, he still wasn't exactly stable by the time he strolled into work, though was proud he had been sensible enough to get a taxi again, rather than driving when he had a feeling he might still be over the limit.

He knew as soon as he walked in that Leo could tell. He went to make himself coffee, hoping it would both wake and sober him up. He hadn't had much sleep. Not that he could remember anyway. He couldn't prevent the slight smirk that covered his lips as he thought back to some of the things he did remember that he'd spent his night doing.

Leo walked over to him, waiting for him to turn around, coffee in hand and a slightly guilty look on his face when he did. Leo sighed, shaking his head and wondering when he had chosen to be a more than just a boss. Sometimes he felt like he was working with children. Rather overgrown children that thought they could take care of themselves.

"Harry, go home. She doesn't need to see you like this."

"I'm fine." Harry smiled with his response, making an attempt at putting on his charmer smile, although he should have known Leo would see through it. He always did.

"Harry, you're probably still drunk. I don't need this, neither does Nikki. Go home." It had been a while since Harry had seen Leo so pissed off. He knew better than to disagree with him, better than to argue, and instead nodded silently and placed his coffee mug back on the side before turning to leave.

Nikki walked into the room just as Harry was walking out, and so wandered slowly over to Leo, taking note of the anger on his face that was soon wiped clean when he realised she was beside him.

"What's going on with Harry?" She asked, turning her face to watch him walk down the corridor to leave the building.

"He's not feeling well, I sent him home." Nikki looked back at Leo, the doubt in his words written plainly across her face.

"Right." She nodded, finally turning away to head back to work. Leo sighed again; there wasn't any fooling Nikki, though he had wanted to spare her from knowing that Harry was heading on a self-destructive path as well. He knew that she had kept her secret from Harry at least partly in order to protect him. She wasn't sure how he'd handle it, and now Leo knew why. She probably saw it coming before either of them did.

Leo really hoped this was a one off, that Harry needed to let go for one night and then he'd get to grips with reality. Because Leo knew that he couldn't handle them both of them going off the deep end, and he could see that Nikki was teetering on the edge at times. If necessary he'd have a chat with Harry, set him straight about his responsibilities, and let him know that this was not the time to be letting Nikki down. Not when she needed him now more than ever before.

...

**A/N… I know I say this all the time, but thanks again everyone that took the time to review, it actually inspired me to sit and right another chapter (the one after this…if it doesn't go moving around) so anyway, please keep reading and reviewing and making my day…**


	25. chapter twenty one

**A/N…so, as of yesterday morning, I actually have over 30 000 words written for this on my comp…and although I know that's not much compared to what some incredible people on here manage to write, it's a massive achievement for me (it's still not finished though, so there should be more than that to come in the end). Anyway, it made me want to share more with you all, so I hope you enjoy…**

...

_chapter twenty-one_

As she sat in the waiting room, Nikki couldn't help but notice the other patients waiting around her. If you didn't know the reason, you could walk into the room and think that shaved heads and head scarfs were a new trend. A hand reached up to play with her hair, almost unconsciously, as if comforted by the fact that at least she still had her hair. With that thought, Nikki let her eyes slip shut momentarily. Was she really that vain? Surely she would rather lose all of her hair and have a chance at living. It was a pretty pointless thought really. She didn't have a potential cure, she barely had the option for a few more months.

Opening her eyes, and discretely glancing around the room again, Nikki was sure that these people around her had to be far stronger than her, because she couldn't bear the thought of going through such painful treatments for a little more hope, a little more time. She wasn't sure that she'd have seriously considered treatment even if the odds were better. Right now, she was certain she wasn't the kind of person that had the strength to fight. To keep fighting, in hopes that something might work.

She felt weak. And not just physically, though her body did feel that way these days. She felt as though she could never be strong enough to fight for her life the way that she was sure many of the people around her were. It wasn't as if she didn't have a lot to live for, but life had already felt like a struggle for so long, she wondered if a part of her was just ready to let go now. The thought frightened her. She wasn't sure why it even made a difference, there wasn't a treatment that could cure her even if she tried it. Yet for some reason, the fact that she didn't feel strong enough that she would try it, if there was a chance, scared her beyond reason. A single tear escaped with a blink, and trickled down her cheek, it taking a moment before Nikki could bring herself to wipe it away.

A young woman sat down in the seat next to her. Nikki thought it was a little strange, the room had plenty of spare seats, was emptier that it had been when Nikki first sat down in fact, and people tended to leave at least one space next to someone they didn't know when sitting down in waiting rooms. It was like an unspoken rule. Nikki could feel the woman staring at her, and eventually gave in and turned her head slightly to consider her. She was surprised by the young face looking back at her; she had to be at least ten years younger than Nikki, probably in her early twenties, with bright blue eyes that stared back without hesitation, and short, fuzzy, brown hair that was obviously newly growing back, along with a few pale freckles scattered across her nose and cheeks.

"I used to have blonde hair." She stated, quite simply, gazing at Nikki's blonde curls. "I'm looking forward to brown though, it'll make a nice change. New life and all." Her voice was soft, gentle, but confident at the same time. Nikki got the feeling that this girl had been through plenty in her time, and had somehow gained strength from it. She felt the opposite way right now. "Are you here alone?"

"Yeah." Nikki nodded with her response as her voice wasn't feeling particularly strong or clear.

"Sometimes it's easier. Then you can decide how much to filter through to the family back home. It can get a bit much for them too." Nikki nodded silently this time, looking down at the floor beneath her feet. Both Leo and Harry had offered to come with her to her appointment, even just to wait outside if she didn't want them coming in, but she had declined the offers, told them that she'd be fine alone, trying to convince herself of exactly that at the same time. "You've got to let them be there for you when you need them though, that's important for everyone." Those words surprised her a little, and Nikki turned to face the young woman again.

"How did you-?" Nikki didn't manage to finish her question, she wasn't sure how to ask, but she felt as though this young woman had stared into her soul and knew all her thoughts, feelings and secrets. It seemed she also knew what Nikki was trying to ask, it barely taking her a moment of thought before her answer.

"Because I've been there. Not wanting to tell family or friends to save them the pain. But we all need people, and it doesn't save them anything when they find out in the end."

Nikki took a deep breath, the air releasing from her lungs in a shaky tremor, another lone tear dropping down her cheek. She felt a hand reach up to wipe the tear away, but this time it wasn't her own hand. The skin felt soft, less calloused than Nikki's, the years of using scalpels and bone saws having made an impact upon her own hands. Her touch was gentle, yet assertive, and Nikki felt her head lean in slightly to the touch.

It was an oddly intimate gesture that would usually feel very uncomfortable coming from a stranger. Yet somehow they weren't strangers. Somehow this girl knew Nikki better than some of the people she'd known for years. Somehow they had just connected, and the gesture actually felt incredibly comforting.

"Sometimes you have to trust people." Her hand pulled away with her words, returning to her lap, comfortably entangling with the other. Nikki couldn't help but feel the loss, her cheek still unusually warm from the contact.

"Nikki Alexander." The receptionist called out, pulling Nikki from her moment. Nikki stood, turning to reach back for her jacket and meeting eyes with the young woman again. Neither said anything, there wasn't really anything to say. It was only a brief moment, but felt as though it had been longer, before Nikki finally turned and made her way across to the receptionist's desk. "Dr Owen is ready for you. Round the corner, second door on the left." Nikki nodded silently, taking a quick glance back at her strange new friend before turning the corner.

She didn't know what to think, but was sure she'd just met someone very special. However strange the encounter, she certainly wouldn't be forgetting it anytime soon.

Her mood changed as she entered the Doctor's office. She had felt a few moments of peace and tranquillity, yet as soon as she entered she felt her reality crashing down around her again. It was a feeling she should be getting used to, but it still shocked her, shook her, and left her either wanting to curl up in a dark room or left her angry, feeling as though she wanted to break something. Nikki wondered how long she'd continue to feel like this. If she'd ever regain a grip on her emotions, or if she'd just keep tumbling until something broke her fall.

The doctor started to speak, and just like the last time Nikki found herself only half listening. She really had to stop zoning out when she was being told something that could be significant.

She forced herself to tune back in as she realised that the doctor had asked her a question, and found herself explaining how she was struggling with the pain of the headaches and the nausea. She kept quiet about some of the other symptoms she was experiencing. She wasn't entirely sure how much of it was due to the tumour and how much was just her lack of ability to cope, so it seemed best to keep certain things to herself.

She noticed the doctor seemed more approachable than the first time she had met him. He seemed more caring, and Nikki found it a little unusual. She wasn't sure if it was just her perception that had changed; she'd certainly been through enough recently that it was a possibility. But did that mean that he wasn't as harsh as she had remembered at the previous meeting, or that he was kinder this time around? Her thoughts began to take her in circles, and Nikki had to force herself to stop before she lost complete track of where she had started.

"There must be something, you must have got it wrong. This can't be happening to me." The distress in her own voice as she blurted out words she hadn't expected to say even worried Nikki, and she made a conscious effort to take a deep breath and calm herself down. This wasn't the time to get emotional.

"I'd like you to talk to someone-" Nikki was shaking her head before Doctor Owen had even had a chance to finish his suggestion.

"I don't need to see a therapist." Her tone had levelled out again, Nikki was sure she was getting experienced at hiding her emotions when she needed to; she was certainly getting a lot of practice.

"The hospital has an oncology counsellor I can put you in touch with, and there are a lot of local support groups, I can give you the details of them." The doctor continued despite Nikki shaking her head vigorously.

"I don't need that."

"Many patients find it helpful to talk to people that are going through the same thing, to come to terms with their situation."

"You mean to come to terms with dying?" Nikki's voice reeked with distress again, but this time she let it linger a few moments, almost savouring it. "It was going to happen sometime, I'm lucky enough to know roughly when." She was aware of the bitterness in her tone as well, but didn't care to do anything about it. "Look, the last thing I need right now is to hear about how much other people are suffering." The doctor could tell he was fighting a losing battle here.

"Do you have anyone at home to help support you?" He noticed the shadow that passed across Nikki's face at his words.

"I have a couple of close friends that I work with."

"How about family? Anyone that can be there to help out? You really need to think about these things." Nikki shook her head.

"They are my family, close as I'll ever get, anyway." Nikki didn't want to add that despite the way she felt about them, she didn't want to be calling on them all the time. She had put them both out enough recently. It wasn't as if they could drop everything else in their lives just because she needed them. She figured the doctor would only give her more problems if she told him she'd be fine on her own. She'd have to be, that was how she'd lived her whole adult life, not to mention part of her childhood, she'd have to be fine on her own, because she believed that was her only option.

"Dr Alexander – you need to consider having someone around that can help out. Things are going to get worse, and you'll need extra care. There are support services I can put you in contact with. I'd like you to consider making a plan for when you're not able to do everything yourself." Talk about bringing her world crashing down around her, Nikki felt as though she had been punched after listening to Dr Owen's words. The air felt as though it had been pushed from her lungs, like she'd been kicked in the stomach. She felt sick and almost struggled to take her next breath. Maybe she'd been right the first time around, he wasn't particularly kind or caring.

She wanted to run out of the room, it wasn't as though she hadn't done it before when told something she didn't want to accept. But she knew if she ran now, she'd need to come back because anything the doctor said didn't change the fact she needed help, if only in terms of medications to keep the pain under control. And the last thing she wanted was to have to go through all of this again, especially considering the usual waiting time for another appointment on the NHS.

"I'm going to pass on all the details and suggested medications to your GP, and he can monitor you more regularly." She felt as though she was being dumped, as though there was no point trying anymore, so she was being shoved off for another person to deal with. The sad thing was that she could see why, and didn't really blame the doctor for it. What more could he do for her anyway?

...


	26. chapter twenty two

_chapter twenty-two_

Nikki couldn't shake off the lonely feeling that settled upon her the next morning. It was there as soon as she woke; almost stopped her from dragging her tired body out of bed; almost left her curled up in the shower unable to move. But somehow she did what she did best; dragged herself up and into work anyway, despite her overwhelming reluctance.

Her mind kept going back to the young woman she met at the hospital the day before. Quite how this girl she had just met seemed to understand her so completely, understand what she was going through and the fact that she was determined to struggle through it alone, she couldn't comprehend. The encounter had left her feeling so completely calm, if only for a few moments. It was a tranquillity she hadn't experienced in a long while, and so even a few moments seemed significant. And yet she didn't even find out her name.

When Nikki entered the lab she found herself very glad that Harry and Leo didn't seem to be around. She was sure that at least Leo would already be in, she could never be so certain about Harry's arrival time. Despite the fact that Nikki had given up getting in quite so early recently, she still couldn't guarantee that Harry would be in first. She did wonder whether it was right, that she could come in an hour or two later than she used to, and Leo didn't even say anything. It wasn't like it was every day, but there were days that she spent so much of the previous night lying awake that by the time she fell asleep, she struggled to wake up when her alarm went off soon after. Or the mornings after nights that she had actually managed to fall into a deep sleep for a few hours, they were rare, but when it happened she tended to sleep through her alarm. Yet Leo didn't raise the issue, and she didn't see the point in getting into another discussion about how she was doing. If she really thought about it, she supposed she probably used to get in a lot earlier than was really required anyway. And she'd do anything right now not to have another talk about how she felt, she was trying to avoid them, but knew that if she did it too obviously it would only make Leo and Harry more concerned.

It was truly exhausting pretending all the time.

Nikki managed to sit at her desk, struggling through some paperwork that shouldn't have been so difficult, for at least an hour before she was interrupted. She was rather grateful that it was a phone call about a body that disturbed her rather than her colleagues checking on her. She left a scribbled note on Leo's desk on her way out, letting him know she'd been called to check out a possible homicide, and would be back later. She knew that both he and Harry had been trying to limit how much she did, how much they let her out of the lab on her own. But she was beginning to go stir crazy sitting inside every day, and without them there to argue she was out of the building, in her car, and on her way to the crime scene before anyone had a chance to stop her.

Things went smoothly at the crime scene, well, as smoothly as they could when crouching over a dead body and listening to police officers theorise about what might have happened. Personally, she liked to wait until all the evidence was in before jumping to far-fetched conclusions, so tried to stay out of it.

It was after she'd finished with the body that Nikki realised how exhausted she was. She had ordered them to pack the body up, sending it back to the lab so that she could do the autopsy later on. Making her way to her car, she started to feel a little unstable, and realised that the mild headache she'd mostly been managing to ignore had intensified. Whilst slipping out of her SOCO suit, she had to steady herself against her car. Still feeling rather shaky as she packed her kit away and slid into the front seat, she was grateful for the quiet as she closed the car door and leaned her head back against the headrest, closing her eyes.

It took a few deep breaths to steady her breathing; her head had started pounding so intensely that she wasn't sure she wanted to open her eyes again. When she finally decided that she wouldn't be able to sit there forever without someone noticing that there was something wrong, Nikki forced her eyes open again, wincing as the light pierced through them and infuriated her headache. She was soon rummaging around in her bag, chucking out random objects onto the passenger seat as she tried to find what she was looking for. When her hands came into contact with a small cardboard box, Nikki felt her breathing calm as she pulled the box open, pulling out the splinter packet inside and pushing two tablets into an awaiting palm. Popping them in her mouth, she swallowed them down with some pleasantly warm water that had been in her car a couple of days. She didn't really care about the warm water. She was so desperate for some kind of relief. Given how long it had taken her to find the tablets, she really had to think about getting a smaller bag to avoid moments like this in the future.

Trying to block out thoughts about her lack of a future, Nikki lent back, closing her eyes again, and wondering how long it was likely to take before the tablets started to work. As her head cleared from her panic, she began to realise that taking strong painkillers for the first time and then driving probably wasn't the best idea. But it wasn't as though she could call someone to pick her up, could she? Shaking her head, Nikki knew the drugs would probably take a while to take effect, and so decided to risk it. Starting her car she began to drive back to the lab.

She was rather relieved that she had been right when she arrived back at work safely, although part of her wondered whether the medication was going to work at all. She walked back into the lab, placing her bag down on her desk and turning as she heard Leo speak. He was standing outside his office, had obviously seen her come in, and had a look of concern on his face that she could tell he was trying to tone down as he spoke.

"How did your appointment go yesterday?" His voice was surprisingly neutral, and as Nikki responded with a shrug, she wondered how long he had worked on it. "Did you get some better painkillers?" Leo pressed again after not receiving much response to his first question.

"He gave me some dihydrocodiene, and tramadol, to see which works best for me. And some metoclopramide for the nausea. Oh, and apparently if I take the painkillers too often I could give myself chronic headaches, how laughable is that?" He really wished she wasn't the kind of person that felt the need to read all the paperwork that came with each medication.

"So it went okay? There wasn't anything else?" As Nikki shook her head in reply, she looked closely at Leo, who had walked over closer to her as they were talking. He had an odd look on his face, as if he was trying to hide the slight trace of hope apparent there. Hope that they had somehow made a huge mistake, that this whole thing wasn't really happening, and that she'd actually be okay. She hated to squash that last remaining trace of hope, but it wasn't going to last long whatever she said.

"No." She felt the need to put something stronger behind her shake of the head this time, to ensure there was no confusion. "Just a range of medications." She changed her tone a little, trying to sound light hearted, but even if Leo had still been listening properly she doubted he would have fallen for it.

Harry wandered over, catching the end of the conversation, but quietly sat down behind his desk and took a moment to consider his two friends. Leo looked as if he had suddenly lost all hope, and Harry wondered if he'd missed something else in the conversation, or if the reality of Nikki's situation had finally hit him. Nikki herself seemed different, and as Leo slowly retreated to his office with a quiet nod in their direction, she sat down at her own desk in silence.

He expected her to look at him, giving him a perfect opening to try and have an actual conversation, which she seemed to have been avoiding since the day he found out. Rather than looking at him, she barely sat for a moment, before jumping up again and moving around the lab. She didn't really seem to be doing anything, except picking things up and examining them as if they held some kind of significance. Feeling a frown cover his forehead, Harry watched her for a few minutes before speaking up.

"Nikki? Have you taken something today?" He stood up as he spoke, making his way towards her.

"Yeah, I took some tramadol." Her back was still facing him, but she turned to look directly at him as she said the next words. "I feel a bit weird." Harry almost grinned at the way Nikki said that. Her eyes were wide and alert, but brain obviously slowed a little, and it was rather funny the way she buzzed around the place from one thing to another. "I think it's working, but I feel kinda fuzzy." Nikki had settled on his chair, at his desk, and was spinning it back and forth, just a few degrees at a time. It was something she seemed to find rather satisfying.

"I think I should take you home, you should sleep this off." Nikki looked at him again, her brown eyes slightly glassy, before she returned to spinning on his chair. Harry wasn't exactly sure what to say, or do, and found himself mesmerised watching her spin for a while. He hadn't seen her playful side in quite a while, he only wished the circumstances were different. Eventually she seemed to run out of momentum, and turned to face him again, her expression oddly peaceful.

"Hmmm." Was all she said at first, as if still considering what he'd said minutes before, as if it had only just registered in her brain. "Home?" She questioned finally, raising her eyebrows at him as she waited for a response.

"Home." He responded simply.

Nikki seemed content to sit at his desk, puzzling over the strange marks in the surface, so Harry took a moment to speak to Leo, explain what was going on and that he'd take Nikki home, and stay with her until he was sure she'd be alright alone. They agreed that the autopsy she had planned for the afternoon could wait until the next morning. Harry noticed again the look of sorrow on Leo's face as they spoke, and found himself wanting to ask if he'd be okay. He hesitated at the doorway on his way out of Leo's office, wanting to say something but knowing he really wasn't any good at this, at having the tough conversations, at being outwardly caring. It seemed Nikki was the only person that really brought that side of him out. Eventually he gave up trying to think of something to say, and left Leo to the files he seemed so intently focused on as he returned to Nikki.

He had expected to find her still sat at his desk, and couldn't help but feel a thread of worry weave through him when she was nowhere in sight. He looked around, making a point to glance under the desks when a bizarre image of Nikki curled up under a desk popped into his head. She was nowhere to be seen. Forcing back a grin at the thought of Nikki hiding in some strange places, Harry headed towards the changing room. Not finding her there, he tried the autopsy room, the viewing gallery, and finally found her in the conference room.

She was lying on top of the table, staring up at the ceiling as if it showed her an incredible light show. Then again, maybe it did. Harry slid onto the table next to her, staring up at the ceiling and feeling slightly upset that all he saw was the off-white ceiling. She didn't seem to acknowledge his presence as they lay there, but he knew that she must be able to tell he was there; their arms were almost touching, the hairs on his standing on end at their closeness.

"Home?" He questioned after a few minutes of letting her enjoy whatever she was seeing that left the traces of a smile on her lips. She turned her head slowly, and Harry couldn't help but realise just how close they really were when her head settled to the side staring at him.

"Home." She replied, her agreement simple in her response, echoing their earlier exchange.

Although reluctant to break their closeness, Harry slid off the table, realising that Nikki wasn't exactly aware enough to realise the impact it had on him. He offered her a hand as she followed his lead and slid from the table, flashing him one of her stunning smiles as she landed on her feet.

It was as they were heading out of the main doors, Harry with an arm around Nikki's waist to guide her as she seemed to have the desire to walk in some interestingly shaped lines, that she said something that brought it all home to Harry. Her tone was happy, a little distant but happy, and her words almost made him wish that he could keep her this way.

"My head doesn't really hurt. It's kind of nice."

The next day she was so very different. The painkillers had obviously worn off, her features looked drawn and although she walked more steadily, she appeared to have been pulled back down by her own reality.

...

**A/N… so, I'm off away for four crazy days of karate training this weekend. I will try to get some writing done in between all the karate, driving, and sleeping so that I've got something to upload when I get back…until then, feel free to leave me with lots of reviews – they motivate me to write (and make me smile)! As always, thanks to all everyone that reviewed last time, very much appreciated…**


	27. chapter twenty three

_chapter twenty-three_

"I'm afraid she'll give up." Harry looked at Leo as if he was crazy. They were standing in the locker room, having just completed an autopsy and almost finished getting changed when Leo blurted the words out. They didn't seem to come from anywhere, both men had been changing in silence, but Harry figured it wasn't all that strange as their minds were probably on Nikki a lot of the time at the moment. Not that his wasn't before, though the reasons had changed rather significantly. Harry finished lacing up his shoes, and turned to fully face Leo before responding.

"Nikki's a fighter, she won't give up."

"I'm not so sure, she's changed recently, she's exhausted, and not just physically. I just wonder if one day-"

"Leo, don't even say it." Harry's tone was harsh and adamant.

"Harry, it was only a few months ago we were so worried about her that we sent her to a physiatrist, and with everything that's happened since-" Leo paused, before continuing with a slight shake of his head. "I just wonder."

"That was just a tough case for her – and we didn't realise at the time that Naomi Silverlake was basically stalking her, which obviously didn't help things." Harry was blatantly trying to deny the possibility Leo's words had raised, and to be honest Leo didn't blame him, he wished he could do the same.

"Harry, she was given the option of treatment. I mean, the chances of survival are still practically non-existent, but it could have given her more time." Harry frowned, not quite sure what Leo was trying to get at now. "I'm not sure she really considered it."

"Leo – you can't judge her on that. I mean, she had a pretty impossible decision, how do you know that you wouldn't do the same? You've got a living will, you've obviously thought about what level of life you deem to be pointless, why can't she feel the same way? I'm not saying I like it, but to put herself through horrible treatments when the chances are it won't make much of a difference, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same."

Leo didn't respond for a while, obviously struggling with the truth of what Harry had said. Eventually he spoke, his voice rough and unsteady.

"I just don't want to lose her."

"I know. Me neither." Harry sighed, looking as dejected as Leo felt. "But as usual it's beyond our control." It always amazed Leo had Harry could seem to hold everything together so well at such difficult times. And yet get so passionately involved in cases sometimes that he was rather difficult to manage. Maybe Harry just sensed that right now Leo was so tired of holding them all together and trying to be strong for all of them, that he needed to let go for a moment. To feel for himself, rather than squashing his own emotions down in order to help everybody else.

Harry did something rather uncharacteristic then, he stood up and pulled Leo into a half manly-style hug. He honestly couldn't remember if they'd ever had this much physical contact before, it was usually Nikki that received and gave out hugs, they were men after all, and there was a different type of emotional and physical barrier between them, despite their closeness. But right in that moment, he knew they both needed the contact, and didn't care about all the social standards they usually lived by. It didn't last long, their half hug, but when they mutually pulled away both felt slightly comforted in their pain. At least they weren't alone in this; they'd support each other as well as Nikki, because that was what family did for each other. However unconventional that family may be.

…

**A/N… so, not particularly happy with this chapter, but it's been sitting on my computer mostly written for ages, kept hoping to be able to do more with it and have really struggled, so I'm leaving it as it is now and uploading so that I can move onto the next chapters (and the next one is longer, promise!).**

**Sorry for the crazy gap in uploading…real life has officially taken over (damn it), and I haven't even been reading fics on here, let alone trying to write mine. Thank you everyone that's still out there reading, especially all you lovely people that review – makes my day! **


	28. chapter twenty four

_chapter twenty-four_

The next time Nikki took a dose of tramadol it didn't seem to do anything. In fact, it barely took the edge off. The headache wasn't so much dulled, as her whole perspective was slightly dulled, the headache annoyingly persistent behind it. She didn't understand why it didn't work anymore. The previous time she had taken it the drug had almost knocked her out, and gave her an interesting high before that. She had expected that her body would adjust to that feeling, and she'd be less 'out of it' but still get some kind of relief. If only. Nothing seemed to be going her way these days, and Nikki found herself swaying between overwhelming feelings of depression and such an intense anger that she could barely breathe.

If she thought about it rationally, it probably wasn't all that unusual for her to have these feelings. Her life had been turned upside down, a timer attached to it, and there wasn't anything she could do to grab control again. But she wasn't exactly thinking rationally. All she seemed capable of doing was being totally absorbed by her current emotion, whichever one her distorted brain functions chose to focus upon, and she was beginning to struggle to keep it out of work and hidden from Harry and Leo.

She knew they had noticed the mood swings, the moments when she seemed to flip from one personality to another in an instant. But she was sure they had no idea how bad it was. Most of the time at work she managed to keep it under control. She used all her energy some days just to appear reasonably together. She knew that they'd expect a little instability from her, and so worked hard so that they never saw more than that.

There were the odd moments, when they caught her by surprise with something, or pushed too much over something personal, that she found herself losing control. Some of the barriers she had carefully built around her emotions cracked on occasion. She wondered how long it would be until they came tumbling down. And although most of her hoped that it would happen when she was alone, part of her longed for someone to catch her before she crumbled with them.

Maybe that was asking too much. How could she expect someone to be there as she fell if she didn't let them see that the fall was inevitable? Or maybe she didn't hide herself as well as she thought. It wasn't like her brain was quite focused the way it used to be. Nikki had an odd sense of fear seep through her at the thought that Leo and Harry could see all of her. She was ashamed. Ashamed that she didn't have a better grip on her emotions. Ashamed that she wasn't better at hiding them. Ashamed that she was ill and had to accept help, that she couldn't do everything she used to be able to do. As if she needed another powerful emotion in the mix.

There was a moment, just a millisecond, as she woke each morning, where everything seemed alright and she felt good. A moment before she felt the pain, nausea, aches and tensed muscles from sleeping awkwardly. She wished she could savour these moments, but as soon as conscious thought kicked in the moment was over. Fully gone until the next morning.

After the blissful but painfully minuscule moment each morning, the days dragged on. She frequently felt as though she wouldn't get through them, wouldn't make it to the point where she was finally alone and could stop pretending. So much so that it was hard to breathe sometimes. She had to force herself to take the next breath and not let on that anything was wrong as her mind and body fought against each other.

On a good day she managed to allow herself to become so lost in work that she almost forgot. It would almost slip her mind for a few hours; the knowledge reawakened when it was time to go home, or when she caught Harry or Leo giving her one of those looks. She'd caught them doing it enough times. Staring at her when they didn't realise she knew. Or watching her from across the room. And then there were the looks they gave each other, she wasn't sure they realised she saw those as well, but she wasn't so out of it that she didn't notice. That she didn't see emotions in their eyes that she wasn't sure she wanted to see any more than they probably wanted her to.

It wasn't pity. Thankfully, as she was pretty sure that would only increase her overpowering anger. It was a combination of things. Sometimes it was sorrow, mixed in with obvious concern. Sometimes she'd even see a glimpse of anger in one of them, and for a moment she'd almost allow herself to believe that it was alright that she was angry, that she wasn't the only one. Yet it always disappeared the instant they realised she was looking. Whether they were just hiding it to spare her, or whether she had imagined in the first place, Nikki was never sure. She was often left wondering; so much more unsure of herself than she had been since she was a child. She wished she wasn't because as much as she used to enjoy pondering over things in her mind, her mind was a dangerous place these days and she tried to avoid it as much as possible.

It should be simple. Focus on work, focus on the latest case, and don't think about anything else. She was sure she used to do it all the time. Harry had often told her that she became too involved in cases, that she shouldn't be getting to the stage where he has to remind her to eat, to sleep, to leave the lab at some point so that she doesn't forget that there's actually a whole world out there.

And yet now, when all she wanted to do was lose herself in a case and forget about everything else, she wasn't able to. She could barely focus for an hour without her mind wandering, let alone lose herself for days like she was longing to. She found herself almost wishing for a more interesting case, something that would grab her and give her an excuse to work herself to the ground and ignore everything else. When she realised just what it was she was asking for, and the fact it would involve a potentially horrific murder, it only made her feel more terrible. She really couldn't win.

...

**A/N… after so many lovely reviews, I felt the need to share more with you all...hope you enjoyed it! **


	29. interlude four

_interlude_

He felt as though he was watching her crumble, watching her fall. He could see how hard she was trying to hold it together. He could see how hard she was trying to hide it from them. Harry must have noticed too; she was falling apart in front of them, and he felt powerless to stop it. Anything he could do for her wasn't nearly enough. What she needed was a miracle, and they weren't something most scientists even believed in. Although maybe she did; she had always retained traces of religion from her grandmother, had always had a more open mind than either of the men.

Until lately. He doubted she had the strength to keep an open mind these days. She was drifting. Drifting was easier than truly living; she didn't have to give anything as much thought, allowing her to forget why she was drifting in the first place. Once again, he found himself wondering how long she could survive like this. But he wasn't sure that he was the right person to help her this time. He could only hope Harry would be there when she finally came crashing down.

...


	30. chapter twenty five

_chapter twenty-five _

The amount of times he found her sitting at her desk, staring into thin air with a look on her face that told him she was miles away. She'd always turn to him with a smile when his presence stirred her, a smile to tell him that she was alright, even though he knew she was far from it. He did however appreciate the effort, and it reassured him that she still bothered to make it.

Harry couldn't help but wonder where she went, where her mind took her, but he didn't know how to ask. The only time he'd tried, he'd received the classic Nikki avoidance – she'd change the subject, he'd ask whether she was planning to answer his previous question, and she'd smile her coy little smile that seemed to let her get away with almost anything. Not that it was just with him, he'd seen her use it with many men, including some of the more awkward police officers they found themselves dealing with.

It used to bother him, watching men fall for her unique charisma, watching her wrap them around her little finger. Though he honestly wondered sometimes if she was aware of quite the effect she could have on people. He could usually tell the times she was playing someone, consciously using her abilities to get what she wanted. He was sure that the rest of the time she did it completely unknowingly, so he couldn't exactly fault her for that.

Now it lifted his spirits when she used that special something. It was as if, just for a moment, someone had turned back time, undone the past few months and they were back to normal. What he perceived as normal anyway. The kind of normal he wasn't sure they'd fully had since the shooting at the university last year.

Things had definitely changed. If only it had been for the better rather than about as bad as Harry could possibly imagine. Surely there was nothing worse than watching your closest friend slip away from you, right in front of your eyes. And being completely and utterly powerless to stop it.

...


	31. chapter twenty six

_chapter twenty-six_

"Just leave it, will you." The anger in her voice shocked him slightly. It wasn't just the usual frustration at him, which he was used to. It was cold and hurtful, and didn't even sound like Nikki. He'd seen her angry before, and it usually came with bags full of other emotions like passion and determination. This time it was almost bitter, to the extent that he was left with a strange taste in his mouth.

He didn't know what had caused the sudden shift in personality. She had been fine a moment before, he was sure of it. They had just been talking, nothing strange there. He racked his brain trying to think of whether he could have said something wrong, done something wrong. All he could come up with was his offer to help Nikki with her rather massive stack of paperwork. That couldn't possibly be what she was so angry about, could it?

He supposed it was unusual for him to offer to help with paperwork; he usually did everything in his power to avoid it. Nikki even ended up doing it for him sometimes, when he was particularly far behind, sparing him the wrath of Leo. So it was strange for him to offer, but he thought she'd appreciate the thought whether she took him up on it or not. It wasn't as though she didn't need the help; she was more behind than he was which had to be a first.

Taking a moment to look at her, he could see the tension in her stance, the fury on her face, and really hoped he hadn't somehow caused it in his effort to help.

Before he even had a chance to open his mouth in an attempt to apologise, Nikki slammed the paperwork in her hands down onto one of the tables, stalking out of the room in a rush. Harry looked across to Leo, who had obviously heard from across the lab, and was watching Nikki leave with a similar look of confusion on his face. When his eyes met with Harry's, he gestured with his head, Harry understanding the motion easily. The loud thud they heard next only quickened Harry.

"I'll go check on her." He muttered, hurrying out of the room after her.

He found Nikki in the locker room, head resting against the cold metal of one of the lockers. The one next to her seemed to have a bit of a dent in the front, and he assumed that was the cause of the noise he and Leo had heard.

He stood in the doorway a moment, observing her again. Her fists were resting either side of her head, tightly clenched as if ready to punch something else. Her whole body language told him it wasn't quite safe to approach yet, and if she was in the mood for hitting things he wasn't sure whether he wanted to risk it. He watched her for a while, checking that she was done beating up the locker, before speaking.

"Nikki." He didn't really need to say much else, he was rather practiced at fitting many different questions and emotions into that one word. It didn't skip his notice that she was just as skilled at doing the same with his name.

She sighed in response, shaking her head slightly, although not pulling away from the locker. Harry wished he could see her properly, but she didn't seem ready to face him. Eventually she spoke, the tone still harsh although missing some of the anger she had displayed earlier.

"I'm angry all of the time. And it's exhausting."

Now she turned around, leaning back against the locker and watching Harry as he took a seat on the bench in front of her. She looked away from him before she continued, tilting her head back and staring across at the opposite wall.

"On the rare occasion the anger slips away for a while, I can't move. I'm frozen. I feel like I'm breaking into pieces, but instead I just stand there, too scared and too confused to move, I can't even cry." Harry realised this must be the first time she'd really spoken about how she felt. He could tell from the richness of the emotion in her voice. "I don't know how to live like this."

He felt useless. He had a flashback to a moment a few months before, sitting on the same bench next to Nikki, feeling out of his depth because he didn't really understand what she was going through or how to help her. He barely understood what she was trying to say.

And if he was out of his depth then; he may as well be drowning now. There was no way he could get his head around how she must feel. He was all torn up inside, but knew it must be even worse for her. His own emotions were on a rollercoaster ride, he wasn't surprised that hers were all over the place. He'd probably be more worried if they weren't. Though none of this changed the fact that he didn't know how he could help her.

He sat in silence, wishing he could fill it but feeling wholly inadequate to do so. He watched her, but it took a long while before she dropped her gaze to meet his. When they finally did, her eyes said all that he needed to know. She was in one of those frozen moments between the periods of anger, and in an instant he was standing, moving towards her and pulling her still body into his arms.

She barely responded, didn't move her arms to hug him back, but then he was almost squashing them in place. He didn't really expect her to respond, but was doing all that he could in that moment. He held her so tightly that she finally felt as though she wouldn't break into tiny pieces all over the floor. She knew the feeling of comfort wouldn't last long, but something was better than nothing, and she'd take all she could get right now.

She let her eyes fall closed, her body weight almost entirely resting upon Harry, relying on him to keep her standing. She was relying on him for a lot more than that right now. He wasn't just keeping her upright, but holding her together. Her mind tended to be a bit overactive these days, and easily imagined her body shattering into little pieces that would shoot out across the hard floor if Harry let her go. Luckily, she trusted him to know that he couldn't let go yet, that she wasn't ready, and that he was exactly where she needed him at the moment.

Harry could feel her body trembling ever so slightly within his embrace, and so held her even tighter. Somehow the doubts he had about what to say weren't applicable when it came to what to do, this came naturally and he barely had to think about it.

He wasn't quite sure how long they stayed like that. Every time Harry noticed the trembling increase he'd hold a little tighter, realising that he must have unknowingly relaxed his hold a little. Eventually the trembling stopped altogether and he felt Nikki's body relax slightly.

Before pulling away fully, he positioned his head so that he could see her face, checking that she was ready for him to let go. She nodded when she saw the questioning look in his eyes, letting him know that she could stand on her own. For a while at least.

...

**A/N… so I've kinda held this back for a few days hoping that I'd manage to write the next chapter before uploading this one, but it hasn't happened, so now I'm hoping that I'll get writing now that it's uploaded (eek).**

**Tigpop – when I said in a review of your story (rather) a while ago that I was writing a chapter that made me kinda sad, this was it…but it's one of the chapters I'm really pleased with so hopefully you've enjoyed it despite the fact it made me all torn up writing it!**

**Thank you to all my recent reviewers, you've said some lovely things and made me smile lots!**


	32. chapter twenty seven

_chapter twenty-seven_

Leo sighed as he lay awake in bed. The early morning sun was streaming in through the bedroom window, and he couldn't help but feel that it should really be tipping it down with rain rather than the clear blue skies he could see from his position. It would fit his mood so much better. Somehow the sun just seemed to be taunting him, as if he should feel as happy as the weather seemed to be. Needless to say, it wasn't going to happen.

Janet was already up and bustling around the room to get ready for work, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to move. His legs felt heavy, his head fuzzy and full, and he was seriously fighting the urge to close his eyes and go back to sleep. He pulled the covers up over an exposed shoulder, truly contemplating not getting out of bed. Janet walked over to the side of the bed, stopping to look at him.

"Leo." He wondered sometimes if it was a good thing that Janet could read him so well, because he could tell what was coming next just from the way she said his name. He guessed he could read her rather well too. "You have to go to work." He sighed in response, rolling over in the bed so that he was lying on his back.

"I know." His answer was somewhat reluctant, even though he knew she was right.

"She needs you to stay strong."

"I know."

"But you don't have to be strong with me." Leo stopped at that, turning his head back to face Janet, and taking the opportunity to look at her properly. Reaching out to take hold of her hand, he pulled her from where she stood back down onto the bed towards him.

"I love you. You know that, right?" She answered him with a smile quickly followed by a kiss, and he found himself even more reluctant to leave the bed.

...

Unbeknownst to Leo, at that exact moment Harry was lying in his own apartment, in his bed, with the same lack of desire and motivation to move. He had been awake a while, long before his alarm was set to beep at him in an irritating manner. He hated it, but some days it was the only thing that got him out of bed. Today was different. Despite feeling exhausted the night before, Harry hadn't slept for as long as he had hoped to. It was mostly emotional exhaustion, and it was as prominent today as it had been the evening before.

Harry lay there for quite some time, staring at the ceiling, lost in thoughts. Debating on whether he could call in sick and lie there all day. Leo would be mad. He'd know that Harry wasn't really ill, he always did, there was no fooling him. Harry had tried early on when Leo took over as the boss, and soon realised it wasn't worth the hassle. And yet today he was seriously toying with the idea.

Just as he was forcing his brain to conclude that it wasn't fair to leave Leo and Nikki with his added work load, especially considering everything that was going on, his phone began to ring; forcing him to move from him position and stop staring at the ceiling.

He stretched out his long arm to reach his mobile phone, minimising how much he actually had to shift his body. Glancing at the number, he frowned when he didn't recognise it, and picked it up all the same.

"Harry Cunningham." He answered, keeping his voice as official as he could considering that he didn't know who the caller was.

"Hi Harry, it's DC Catina."

"Julia?" Harry interrupted before she had a chance to continue, sitting up in bed finally, a little surprised at receiving her call.

"Yeah, sorry to call you so early - I'm calling re Dr Alexander, she's down at the station at the moment. She got picked up after running a red light."

"She what?" Now Harry really was awake.

"She was picked up by a couple of uniforms a few hours ago. At first they thought she might be drunk – but she's barely over the limit. One of them recognised her from the Silverlake shooting, and called me knowing I'd worked with her on that. I thought you'd want to know."

"Is she alright?"

"Yeah, well physically at least. She seems upset but won't talk."

"I'm on my way over." Harry hung up the phone, dropping it back onto his bed in his hurry to leap up in search of clothes. He threw on a pair of jeans and yesterday's shirt, which was still draped across the back of a chair where he had left it the previous night. Just about remembering to pick up his phone and stuff it in a pocket as he rushed out of his apartment, Harry couldn't help the worry that was seeping through him. It wasn't like he hadn't spent a lot of time worrying about Nikki already, even before her diagnosis he found himself worrying about her a lot. She had a knack for getting herself into trouble, and wouldn't always tell him when it was the emotional sort of trouble, that was something he'd discovered recently. He couldn't help but wonder what he'd find when he reached the police station. He honestly didn't know what to think, she wasn't exactly the type to run a red light. Nor to go anywhere near her car after even one drink. He had to wonder if she was on an emotional meltdown, breaking everything apart to see what would happen. Though if that was the case he was pretty sure she wouldn't be aware of what she was doing, or more importantly, why she was doing it.

DC Catina was waiting for him when he arrived at the police station, and took him straight to Nikki, filling him in on some of the details as they walked down the corridor. He was a little surprised when he entered the room to see Nikki, but didn't know what he was really expecting to be honest.

She looked so small, so vulnerable, sitting on a hard plastic chair with her legs drawn up under her chin, arms wrapped so tightly around them it appeared as if she was trying to hold herself together. Harry eased himself down into the chair next to her, sitting at a slight angle so that he could look at her properly. After a minute of silence he spoke.

"Nikki?" It took a few moments before she turned her head to face him, but she still didn't speak. Her expression was so empty, so lost, and Harry felt his heart crumble when she met his eyes. It was only for a moment, before she looked back down in shame. He had a feeling he wasn't going to get anything out of her right now, and so stood up again, making his way over to where Julia was waiting by the doorway.

"Is she being charged?"

"No, we're letting her go with a caution." Harry nodded in gratitude. Julia paused for a moment, considering whether to ask what was on her mind or just stay quiet. "Harry, is everything alright?" She wasn't great at staying quiet.

"Things have been rather messed up lately." Harry sighed, rubbing a hand across his tired face, catching on stumble he hadn't taken the time to shave before rushing down to the station. "Thanks for calling me Julia, I really appreciate it." Turning away from Julia, Harry's gaze settled back upon Nikki, who was still staring at the floor, right where he left her. Sighing to himself, Harry felt his shoulders drop. This was going to be another long day.

...

**A/N…I am still here, honest, despite my lack of updating! Had a bit of a mental block, then had a bizarre idea that formed this chapter and the two after, but took ages to finish writing it, keep getting distracted writing later chapters…oops. But I'm going to try to finish the next few chapters off very soon as they're nearly finished, and after this week I've got a few crazy weeks of tree climbing for data collection (which probably won't make much sense if you don't know what I do - but anyways, it's a busy time of the year for me!)**

** As always, let me know what you think and I'll try to write faster (and love you forever)!**


	33. chapter twenty eight

_chapter twenty-eight_

Harry took Nikki back to his flat, he wasn't sure why he didn't go to hers, but somehow he felt like she'd be safer at his place. As if he could keep a better eye on her there. It was too easy for her to ask him to leave her flat, whereas at his place she wasn't going anywhere without his knowledge.

She hadn't spoken in the drive back to his place. Hadn't questioned why he wasn't taking her home, hadn't said a word. She had just stared out of the window, a painfully sad expression on her face that Harry caught a glimpse of when he looked across at her whilst sitting behind a car at a junction. He didn't have the energy to make the effort to say anything himself. He honestly didn't know where to start. His thoughts were almost as jumbled as his emotions, and he found himself longing to be lying in bed again pondering whether to go into work.

Thinking about work, he glanced at the time, realising he was going to have to call Leo soon, or he'd be wondering where they both got to. He didn't want to leave Nikki alone anytime soon, not until he knew she would be alright, but he was going to have to go into work at some point.

As they walked up the stairs to his apartment, Harry sent a quick text to Leo. It didn't say much, just that he was with Nikki and they would both be late, and that he'd call as soon as he had a chance. He hoped that Leo would understand, that he'd realise he couldn't really talk right now, that Harry would let him know what was going on when he had a chance. Right now Harry didn't want to leave Nikki alone for the time it would take him to make that call, so it would have to wait.

He opened the door to his flat, letting her enter before him, taking note of how uneasy she looked as she hovered beside his sofa. Part of him wanted to take pity on her, and just put her to bed and let her sleep. The exhaustion she must be feeling was apparent by just looking at her. The way she held her body and the shadows under her eyes only emphasised it. Despite seeing this, he knew if he let her sleep now he'd never get any answers from her. And he really needed to know what was going on.

"Where were you going?" Harry had a lot of questions running through his head, but somehow that one came out on top. He knew bombarding Nikki with all of his questions would only lead to her closing up, or going on the defensive. So he chose one. Not that he could explain the selection process, he wasn't aware of how it happened, the words just found their way to the surface. Nikki shrugged in response.

"I don't know, I just wanted to go for a drive." It was the first thing she had said since he found her at the police station. Her voice was quiet, almost nervous, and Harry hoped that it wasn't because she was afraid of him, of how he'd react.

"You just wanted to go for a drive? In the middle of the night, after a couple of glasses of wine?" Harry tried to keep his tone level, but was finding it rather difficult. Nikki hung her head in shame.

"I forgot about that." She muttered under her breath.

"You forgot? Nikki, you never go anywhere near your car after a drink. You never let me go anywhere near mine. Damn it, Nikki, you drove across London at some ridiculous hour in the morning to stop me getting in my car drunk when I'd spent my taxi money on booze. And you expect me to believe you forgot?" She wouldn't even look at him now, her gaze remaining fixed on his living room floor.

"I thought it had been long enough, and I needed to get out of my flat."

"Why didn't you call me then?" He received another shrug in response. "You know you can call me whenever. You know that, right?" This time she nodded. "So explain to me why you were caught driving through a red light after a couple of glasses of wine. Why, Nikki? Why? Where were you going? What's going on with you?" He had given up trying to keep his voice calm, instead giving in to an anger that came from overwhelming concern.

"I don't know, alright, I don't know." She didn't sound so nervous anymore, just distressed. Though he didn't need to hear her to realise that; her body language had totally changed. She ran her hands through her hair, and let them settle at the base of her neck, tangled in her hair. She was looking everywhere except at him. Not that she'd really made eye contact since they came in, she'd mostly stared at the floor, but now she was looking all over the place as if trying really hard not to look at him, rather looking for some way out of the situation she found herself in. Maybe her fight or flight response had kicked in. Right now she appeared to be leaning towards flight, though again Harry hoped it wasn't because she was afraid of him. Despite Nikki assuring him that he wasn't violent, he still wondered sometimes if he scared her when he snapped at her, when he lost his temper. Just occasionally he could see a glimpse of fear pass through her eyes before she regained control and managed to hide it from him. It terrified him to think he could really scare her like that.

"Nikki, talk to me." His anger dissipated with his worry that he was scaring her, along with his concerns that she was about to bolt from the room. She wasn't likely to get far, but he wasn't really in the mood for chasing her down the street. He had almost given up on getting a response by the time she spoke, her voice so tiny he had to strain to hear it.

"It's like it's hard to breathe. Like I'm being pulled down, held down, suffocated." She took a deep breath despite her words, and somehow it sounded so very loud compared to the volume of her voice. "I can't breathe, Harry. I can't breathe."

Harry opened his mouth to respond, but found the words failing him, and before he had a chance to figure out something to say, Nikki had continued. It seemed now that she'd started, all of her feelings were pouring out of her.

"I'm so scared." She paused again as her voice cracked slightly. "I don't want to die. I'm not done yet, there's still things I want to do." Tears had started to fall down her cheeks, but she didn't seem aware of them yet. "I don't want to die."

Harry was stumped for a moment. Somehow hearing her say those words not only let him see what she was actually going through, but also brought it home for him. He moved across the room, wanting to take her into his arms.

"Don't." The word was almost squashed under her breath as she pushed him away forcefully. "Don't touch me." Her voice had grown slightly stronger, but he didn't listen, and was punished for it as she hit out at him when he tried to pull her into his arms.

It took him a few minutes to still her enough to hold her. He had found himself grabbing hold of her wrists, having to hold them tighter than he wanted to as she struggled against him. He was sure she'd run out of energy soon enough, but until then she seemed satisfied to fight him with all the power she had.

It almost broke him when she finally gave in. The sobs came harsh and loud, reverberating through both of their bodies as he struggled to hold her. A moment later her legs gave out, and he was glad she'd stopped fighting him or he'd never have been able to prevent her from falling to the ground. As it was, he could easily support her weight, his strong arms pulling her body tightly against his own as he held her. Every few sobs she'd manage to catch her breath a little, and try to push away from him, try to stand on her own. Only to be caught again when the next sob emerged from her body, threatening to send her to the floor.

This routine continued for a while, and Harry could feel himself tiring, which he hoped meant that Nikki would be too. He knew the moment had finally arrived when he felt her body give in. Both physically and emotionally, she surrendered, let him hold her, didn't try to fight, and let her body and mind accept the comfort he was offering.

He eased them down onto the floor, keeping her enclosed in his arms. He was too exhausted to remain standing, especially supporting Nikki at the same time. And she wasn't in any position to support herself, that he knew for sure. Her body shook and trembled, and even as the sobs had reduced in volume and intensity, they didn't stop for quite some time.

As they slowly came to an end, Nikki shifted in his arms; burying her head into his chest, as if trying to hide from the world. Harry wished he had the power to do just that for her; to hide her from the world, to keep her close to him and never let anything happen to her, to never let her go.

...

**A/N…so, I almost feel like I should apologise for the depressingness (I realise that's not actually a word) of this fic – but I'm not exactly very good at writing happy fluffy stuff, and trying to fit happy scenes into a fic with this subject matter feels kinda shallow. I have written a chapter for a bit later on that is kinda happy (I think), it's just so much easier to write angst tho! **

**Hope you're still enjoying despite the heaviness…and as usual huge thanks (and hugs) to everyone that reviews!**


	34. chapter twenty nine

_chapter twenty-nine_

She seemed to get things back together after that one day. The one day where she tried to tear herself into pieces. Harry and Leo discussed not letting her come back to work for the next few days, or at all, but both decided that they would let her come back and see how it went. Neither was sure that cutting her off from such a major part of her life would actually help. In fact, they were both pretty certain that it would have disastrous effects.

Harry had wondered at the time whether that was it, whether she had gone off the deep end and wasn't going to come back to them. And yet instead it seemed that she had just needed to let go, stop trying to hold everything in, and actually let herself feel, and admit to what she was feeling. Now that she had, she appeared to be coping a lot better.

She was more focused at work, she didn't drift off into her own little world as often, and she seemed to be making an effort again. Not that she was back to being the old Nikki, not by a long shot, but she certainly appeared to be coping better. Both men had noticed the change, were grateful for the relief that came with it, and just hoped that it would last.

They really should have known better.

They should have known not to take Nikki at face value. They should have known not to believe her carefully constructed lies. They should have seen the secrets she was hiding behind her outwardly controlled appearance. They should have known better.

She was becoming a master at concealing her true emotions, her thoughts and desires. It was a skill she'd been working on for years, but only felt she had truly started to achieve it in recent months. She put it down to all the practice. It led her to wonder whether her colleagues were happy to live in their own little world of denial, or whether she had them tricked into thinking that she was managing.

How stupid. How could she possibly be managing? How could she be coping with the knowledge that her life was coming to an end, a rather rapid end, and that she had no control over it? How could anyone begin to assume that she'd be able to deal with that? That she could just carry on as if it wasn't hanging over her?

They were fools. They were fools to believe her, she was sure of it. Except a part of her could see where they were coming from. How enticing the denial could be. How much easier it would be just to pretend that it wasn't happening. She had tried for long enough, at a time when she had Leo there to see straight for her. How the tables had turned.

A small part of her wished she could return to that denial, slip into an easy belief that somehow everything would be alright. But she knew that there was no going back.

...


	35. chapter thirty

_chapter thirty_

"Have you heard from Nikki today?" Leo was slightly surprised when Harry entered his office early one morning. He glanced at the time, wondering if he'd lost track already, but no, Harry was just in somewhat earlier than usual. It seemed he wasn't the only one struggling to sleep at night. Eventually he nodded in response to Harry's question.

"Yeah, she left a message on the answering machine to say she wouldn't be in today." Harry frowned.

"Did she say why?"

"Not really." Leo shrugged. "Maybe she didn't see the point."

"How did she sound?" Harry didn't even try to hide the overwhelming concern apparent in his tone.

"Not good." Leo sighed. "One of us should probably go and check on her."

"Yeah, I'll do it. Can you manage without me for a while?" Leo nodded in reply, knowing that they both felt Nikki was the priority right now.

When Harry let himself into Nikki's flat he was surprised at how much of a mess her place was in. He hadn't been there for a few days, but hadn't expected this. It seemed that on the rare occasion she had managed to eat a meal, she hadn't managed to clear anything up afterwards. The kitchen was scattered with dirty plates and mugs. Her rubbish bin was stuffed to the brim and there was stale bread sitting on the side, which hadn't even made it to the bin. That was just the kitchen.

Her living room had a few different coats thrown over the sofa, as if she'd picked a new one from the wardrobe each morning and discarded it when she got home. He almost tripped over the shoes scattered across the floor.

Her bedroom was much the same, clothes thrown down in piles where she hadn't bothered to put them in the laundry basket. He even found a pile of clean clothes that had been dried but never made it much further, instead being dumped in a pile on the back of a chair, as if waiting for someone to put them away.

With a sigh, Harry realised that he and Leo had missed out on something important again. No matter how much she appeared to be coping at work, she obviously wasn't at home. How could they have missed how much she was struggling?

She was usually a reasonably neat and tidy person; it was slightly shocking to see her flat like this. He assumed it was simply that she'd run out of the energy after work to do anything much at home.

When Harry had reached her bedroom, and not found Nikki, he wondered for a brief second if she had gone out somewhere. Taking a second to consider this, the momentary quiet allowed him to hear the running water coming from the bathroom.

The door was slightly ajar, and he called out to her as he pushed it open, being careful where he looked encase Nikki hadn't heard him come in. It took him a minute to notice her. Her body blended in so well with the colour of the bath, her skin worryingly pale.

She was sitting in the empty bath tub, the shower on full over her head, washing water over her trembling body. Her legs were folded in front of her, arms hugging them to her chest. Harry was pretty sure she hadn't noticed him there. He couldn't see her face, but her head was angled down, as if considering the water as it ran off her skin and swirled down the drain. The lack of steam in the bathroom made him worry slightly about the temperature of the water.

Harry reached up to turn the shower off, one arm getting pleasantly soaked by cold water as he did so. Reaching across to the towel rail and grabbing the largest towel there, he wrapped it around Nikki's shoulders, becoming very aware of how much she was shaking. She still gave no sign that she was aware of his presence, Harry was sure she hadn't moved except for the trembling she obviously had no control over.

It was now that he realised just how thin she was. Her spine stood out against her skin, and as he moved the shower curtain out of the way so that he could face her, he noticed her collar bone protruding awkwardly. Her arms had lost the natural curved shape they used to show, her legs similarly stick-like. Hiding behind clothes he hadn't realised how much weight she had lost.

When she finally turned to face him, the blank look almost made him recoil. There was barely a trace of recognition, barely a hint of emotion. He stared at her for a minute, unable to break eye contact, before finally having to turn away in order to focus his thoughts.

"Come on, let's get you out of here." Nikki didn't respond to his words, but allowed him to reach under her arms and legs to lift her out of the bath, attempting to arrange the towel fully around her as he did so. Though he had a feeling she didn't really care about that right now.

He placed her on the edge of the bed. The only movement he saw from her was a vague attempt at pulling the towel around her shivering frame. Her blonde hair sat limply around her shoulders and trailed down her back, still soaking wet and dripping cold water on her skin and bed. He left her for a moment, re-entering the bathroom to grab another towel.

She didn't show any signs that she was planning to move, so Harry decided to take charge. He sat down on the bed behind her, taking the second towel and rubbing her hair between it. She didn't respond to his movements, so he continued to gently towel dry her hair until most of the moisture was gone. By this time most of her visible skin appeared to be dry, but she was obviously still cold from the way her body shook slightly.

Harry moved from the bed, walking over to her chest of drawers and pulling open the top draw. It didn't take him long routing around until he found some slouchy pyjamas for her to put on.

As he headed back over to her, he noticed the shaking of her body had changed its rhythm somewhat. Crouching down in front of her, he realised she was crying silently. The trails of warm tears leaving red lines down her porcelain cheeks.

"Nikki?"

Her right hand reached up, covering her face as if she was attempting to hide herself from him, soon followed by her left hand joining it. Gently pulling them away from her face, he took her delicate hands into his own, and let her cry, knowing that he was right there, that he had hold of her, and that she wasn't alone.

He discovered that silent tears were different to agonising sobs. Her breathing wasn't affected in the same way and nothing seemed to prevent the flow. Even as she raised her head to meet his eyes, the stream of tears didn't stop.

It was slightly eerie. As if she had no control over them, as if they would continue to pour from her eyes whatever she did. He knew it wasn't true, if nothing else her body was sure to stop as she dehydrated. And yet it was still horribly unnerving watching her.

Harry wasn't sure how long it took, but the tears eventually subsided, a few remaining ones trickling down Nikki's cheeks every few minutes, but the majority of the flow had stopped. He wanted to take her into his arms, but had a sense that it wasn't what she needed right then, and decided that getting her to sleep was probably more important.

Getting Nikki into her pyjamas turned out to be rather a combined effort. She needed encouraging and prompting a fair amount, not to mention the fact her body was still shaking slightly, leaving her with hands that fumbled and didn't manage much without assistance. They got there eventually, Harry doing most of the work, Nikki letting him without resistance or even much of a sound.

Once she was in her pyjamas he stood her up, one hand firmly against her back to steady her if she wasn't entirely stable on her own, the other reaching behind her to pull the bed covers back. Gently easing her back into a sitting position on the bed, he pulled the covers back a little further, giving her the space to lie down. It took him another gesture and slight pressure on her shoulders for Nikki to get the message and lay back. He wasn't surprised when she curled up tightly; legs drawn up to her chest, arms hugging her own body. Her eyes slipped shut within moments of lying down, and Harry could only hope that some kind of rest would accompany the sleep.

Leaving her to sleep, Harry closed the door to her room behind him as he walked out, pulling his mobile phone out of his pocket and hitting the second speed dial number he had programmed into it. He took a deep breath as the phone on the other end rang, needing to calm himself slightly. It didn't take long for Leo's voice to come over the line, sounding noticeably concerned as he answered.

"Harry?"

"Leo, I'm going to be here a while, can you handle everything there?"

"Of course, take whatever time you need." Leo paused for a moment, more concern seeping into his tone with his next words. "Is she okay?"

"Not really. Maybe you could come over at the end of the day? I think we all need to talk."

"Sure." Leo couldn't keep the uneasiness from his voice.

"Great, I'll see you later." Leo nodded, before realising Harry couldn't see that and finding his voice for long enough to reply.

"Ok, I'll let you know when I'm finished here and on my way over."

Harry spent the next few hours clearing up Nikki's flat. He cleaned, tidied away, reorganised a little where necessary. He wasn't sure he'd ever spent this much time cleaning his own flat, but knew Nikki wasn't going to do it, and it would be far more pleasant for her if it was just dealt with. So for once, he simply got on with it. If only his mother could see him now.

He eased himself quietly into her bedroom at one stage, collecting up the clothes that were lying about all over the place to put a wash load on. Later on, when he could get into her room for longer without disturbing her, he'd try to put her clean clothes away as well. He really hoped she'd appreciate the effort. It wasn't as if it came naturally to him.

...

**A/N…Just after uploading the chapter before this, I noticed I had reached 100 reviews without even realising! Which is totally amazing, so extra massive thanks to everyone that keeps reviewing – you really keep me going, I would never have written this much without you…**


	36. chapter thirty one

_chapter thirty-one_

Harry was back in Nikki's bedroom a few hours later, attempting to quietly put clothes in the appropriate draws without waking her. It certainly caused the whole process to take a lot longer than it should have done, not to mention the fact that Harry often had to open more than one draw in order to find the correct one with the right types of clothing in it. He really hoped she'd be able to find things and not be too frustrated if he'd put anything away in the wrong place.

He was near the end of the pile of clothing, finally getting the hang of which items went where, when he heard Nikki mumble in her sleep. He turned around, watching her from his position across the room as she began to squirm under the covers. He was mesmerized by her, as he so often was. She didn't have to be doing anything special, just sitting, or sleeping, and he could easily get lost in thoughts staring at her. Especially when she was asleep, and he therefore wasn't at risk of being caught staring by either her or Leo the way he was when it happened at work.

It took a while, but he was finally pulled from his mind wanderings by Nikki herself. She wasn't simply squirming anymore, rather she seemed to be struggling with her covers; the mumbling soon also changed, and became moaning and whimpering instead. Harry dropped the last item of clothing into whichever draw was open, not even bothering to close it properly before rushing to her side.

Her face was screwed up in pain or fear, Harry wasn't sure which, but found he couldn't watch her like that for long. He tried gently at first, but she didn't wake straight away and Harry found himself shaking her shoulders a little more vigorously, desperately trying to wake her.

Her eyes flew open in an instant, and Harry luckily pulled away, narrowly missing a collision of heads as Nikki sat upright so fast he almost didn't see it coming. Her eyes darted around for a moment, obviously unsure, until she seemed to realise where she was, and found his own brown eyes staring at her intently.

It was a while before she said anything. She looked around the room a few times, appearing quite unsure of herself and her surroundings. Harry gave her a moment, hoping it was just that she was taking a while to come around from her dream.

"Have you tidied up in here?" Nikki eventually asked, curiosity and confusion both present in her tone when she finally spoke. Harry sort of shrugged in response, unsure of what to say.

Nikki's shoulders crumpled; she let her head drop into open hands, shaking it slightly as she did so. Harry could see her shoulders tremble, her breathing uneven. He was confused. Maybe it was due to the presence of the Y-chromosome, but he had thought that she'd be pleased. The last thing he had expected was for his actions to drive her to tears. He hesitated, totally confounded, wondering how he could possibly have been so wrong. It was strange how sometimes he could read her like an open book spread out in front of him and other times she was a complete mystery to him.

"Should I have left it?" He questioned. Uneasy about the response he might receive, he continued. "I thought it would help. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I figured it would save you doing it. The kitchen was such a mess, I just figured it would be easier for you if I sorted it out. Maybe I got carried away." Nikki shook her head, still not finding the words she needed to stop Harry's rambling. When she finally did find her voice, Harry found himself more concerned, and still slightly confused by her explanation.

"I should have done it, I just haven't managed to recently. You shouldn't have needed to do anything." She sounded so defeated that Harry's concern for her grew again, and he couldn't help a stray thought that wondered if there was ever a limit. Surely at some point it wouldn't be possible to get even more worried about her.

"It wasn't a problem, really." His insistence only received a sigh in reply. "There's nothing wrong with accepting a bit of help on occasion, Niks."

She continued to shake her head gently, obviously unable to accept that she'd reached the stage that she was going to have to accept some help. After a few moments she began to speak, trying to explain how her place had ended up in such a state.

"I'm so exhausted when I get home, I just can't find the energy for anything. If I manage to find the energy to eat, I don't have the energy to clear up. Sometimes I don't even manage to get undressed; I sit down on the bed for a rest and wake up fully clothed the next morning, wondering where the time went. I just feel so completely drained all of the time." Harry stared at her for a minute, allowing the words to seep through him, before finally speaking, his voice noticeably broken.

"I'm sorry." The sorrow and regret that filled his voice left Nikki unsure as to why he was sorry.

"What for?" She questioned, the confusion apparent across her face.

"For not realising how much you were struggling." Nikki sighed at that, dropping her head, allowing her gaze to drop with it, and resisting the urge to meet Harry's eyes whilst she uttered her next few words.

"I didn't want you to know." Harry just stared at her after that comment. Eventually Nikki raised her head to meet his eyes, which were still filled with sorrow. He really wished she wasn't so bloody stubborn all the time, so insistent that she could handle anything and everything all alone. He wished she'd just let them help her.

Nikki covered her mouth as a cough escaped, and Harry couldn't help but notice how dry her throat sounded.

"You should have something to drink, I'll get you some water. Do you want anything to eat?" Nikki shook her head in response. "Are you sure? It must have been a while since you've eaten anything." Harry hoped he asked discretely enough that she didn't see his concern about her weight. The last thing he wanted right now was to get into an argument, and he had a feeling she wasn't likely to react well if he questioned her eating habits.

"I'm not hungry, really." At the look on Harry's face, Nikki sighed, and found herself opening up more than she had planned to. "I feel sick Harry, I can't eat anything right now." Harry frowned at that response.

"I thought you had medication to stop the nausea?"

"I did, it's not really working anymore."

"What about the painkillers you were taking? Are they still working?" Nikki shrugged a little at that.

"Sometimes they take the edge off." Harry sighed.

"Why didn't you say that the medications weren't working properly? You should go back to your doctor, see if he can give you something else."

Nikki didn't respond to that. What was she supposed to say? That she'd pretty much given up? That she honestly wasn't sure she could sit in another waiting room for a doctor's appointment without breaking down, or breaking something? That after work, which was the only thing that had really kept her going, she couldn't motivate herself to do anything else? How could she put all of that into words? And how could she possibly tell Harry that she felt like giving up, how could she do that to him? She remained silent, hoping that the issue would somehow pass by and they could move on to another topic.

It seemed Harry didn't know what to say given her silence. He couldn't bring himself to push right now, not when she still looked so exhausted. He didn't want to cause her any more stress. But he planned to return to the subject. He'd make the appointment and drag her to the doctor if that was what it took to help her.

"I'll go get that water for you." He eventually spoke, turning to leave the room without saying any more.

When he came back a moment later, handing the water to Nikki and watching as she took a few small sips, he noticed her eyelids growing heavy.

"Thanks." She said, handing the glass back to Harry, who put it down on the bedside table for her. "I didn't realise how thirsty I-" A yawn interrupted her words. "was." She sighed. "I can't believe I'm still tired."

"You should rest." She didn't take much convincing on that matter, simply nodding slightly as she lay back down. Harry stayed beside the bed watching her for a moment, as her eyes slid shut. It was just as he turned to leave that he felt a hand grab his own, clenching it tightly. He looked back at Nikki, surprised to see fear in her eyes, which had locked onto his intently. "I'm not going far." That was obviously enough to comfort her, as she closed her eyes again, removing her hand from his.

Harry's frustration and worry steadily developed through the afternoon as he ran out of things to do around Nikki's apartment, and rapidly found himself restless. By the time Leo arrived he was about ready to burst.

Leo had barely closed the door behind himself before Harry started speaking; the anger and frustration evident in his tone. His body language screaming out at Leo, and yet somehow he kept his voice from becoming too loud, not wanting to disturb Nikki.

"She's so thin, Leo. She obviously hasn't been eating properly. She hasn't been coping at all. How did we not notice this?" Harry slammed a fist against the wall beside him. "Damn it, Leo. We're supposed to take care of her." Harry's voice rose angrily, but Leo didn't find himself getting angry back, just upset. He hated this, it felt as if they were all falling apart.

Leo remained silent as Harry's anger gained momentum. He blamed himself. He had known that Nikki wasn't really coping, he should have realised just how much she was struggling, and how much Harry was failing to notice himself. It wasn't meant to be like this, they were supposed to look after each other; not let each other fall apart. He let Harry's angry words wash over him, partly feeling that he deserved some kind of punishment for not having a better hold on the situation. He had seen it coming, and yet allowed himself to believe it was a long way off, and so hadn't faced up to it or done anything to prevent it.

And here they were, all broken and torn, Nikki no longer the only one falling apart as seams ripped open, split it pieces, and everything spilled out across the floor.

"I should have done something." Leo muttered his words under his breath, but Harry heard them in a gap in his ranting, and paused, turning to face Leo. "I should have stopped her working, I should have kept a closer eye on her, I should have known this would happen." He continued to shake his head, his tone giving away the fact that he was quite content to place all of the blame on himself. "I should have done something." He repeated, having to swallow back a sob that was eager to escape.

"Don't blame yourselves, I didn't want you to know." Nikki's voice interrupted their moment. They both turned to find her standing at her bedroom door. Harry couldn't help but wonder how she did that, how she knew they were talking about her and that it would be a good time to cut in. She continued before either had a chance to say something. "I wanted you to think I could cope, because then I could believe I was coping." She looked up from the floor, catching eyes with both of them for a moment. "But I'm not."

They all stood frozen after those words. Leo and Harry knew how hard it must have been for Nikki to admit that, but both found themselves unable to respond. What could any of them say right now? This wasn't something they could fix, not with words or actions. And if there wasn't anything anyone could do, how were they supposed to deal with that?

...

**A/N…thank you everyone that left such lovely reviews after the last chapter…sorry for the delay on this one, it's been pretty much finished for ages, it just had a coupla linking bits that it's taken me a while to do, and it's been a busy week. Anyway, the next few chapters are already finished, so I'll try to get a couple of them up this week even though I've got an even busier week planned! Feel free to leave me a lil review…it'll remind me to upload more! **


	37. chapter thirty two

_chapter thirty-two_

Late the next day Nikki and Leo were sitting in his office, the early evening sun low in the sky and filtering in through the gaps in the blinds. For the first time in a long time, Leo felt like he had a true glimpse of Nikki. Not just a moment through the pain and confusion, or a flash of recognition between her bouts of anger, but a true sight of Nikki. It was painfully depressing, really, and Leo couldn't help but wonder why he had wanted this, why he had thought it would be a good idea.

"Remember what you said to me in Budapest – 'It's always later than you think'? I guess you were right." Nikki raised her eyebrows, turning to look out of the window, taking a deep breath and releasing it in a sigh. "I used to think that I had plenty of time." She shook her head slightly. "Even after everything in Budapest, after the shock had worn off I slipped back into thinking we still had plenty of time."

It didn't escape Leo's notice that she had switched from 'I' to 'we'. He assumed she was thinking about Harry, about the relationship they never quite managed to have. It amazed him sometimes that they had danced around it for so many years. There had been a time he thought they were together, but it didn't seem to stick. Although they seemed happy to continue as friends, Leo didn't miss the looks they would both have when another party came into play. Nor the inappropriate comments, although those could only really be attributed to Harry; Nikki was far more reserved and more likely to sit at her desk staring into space than actually say something about Harry's latest woman.

Leo wondered if they realised just how much he saw and heard. When they lost themselves together they seemed to forget anyone else existed. The small part of him that couldn't help but be a romantic, no matter how hard he tried to pretend he wasn't, had wished they would get over all the jokes, the banter, the friendly hugs and forehead kisses and just get together.

His thoughts were dragged back to the woman sitting in front of him, still staring out of the window. As she had pointed out, it was probably too late now. He looked at her closely. Her expression was more relaxed than it had been for a while, but also full of sadness and acceptance. He longed to have the fiery, independent, bloody stubborn Nikki back. Right now, part of him even thought the angry, in denial Nikki would be preferable over this. But he knew deep down that this acceptance was important, and couldn't be undone.

"I should head home." With her words, Nikki finally dragged her eyes away from the window and turned back to face him. He nodded, standing as she did, and opening his mouth as if to say something. Nikki met his eyes, and he paused. Apparently he'd asked her if she was okay enough times recently, and the look told him there was no point asking when they both knew the answer; the actual truth as well as the automated answer that had been given so often it had lost all meaning.

He had considered them close friends before all this, and yet they had become even closer in the past few months. If he was honest, watching Nikki struggle through this and keep on going only gave him a higher respect for her personal strength. It had been hard enough for him, he could only imagine how difficult this had been for her. And amongst it all, it seemed they had reached a new level of conversation without having to speak. There were certain things that did however need to be spoken out loud.

Nikki moved around his desk, reaching out and pulling Leo into a hug.

"Thank you, Leo. Thank you for sticking by me through all of this." She spoke softly, but he was so close to her he could hear every syllable clearly. He merely nodded, knowing any words would be entirely inadequate as he had found so often recently.

It was a long few moments before Nikki pulled back, nodding her head with a small smile covering her lips yet not reaching anywhere near her eyes. She turned to leave the room, glancing back as she reached the doorway.

"Bye Leo." He looked at her again, and in an instant she was gone before he had a chance to reply. Her words, her behaviour, even her body language seemed somewhat final, and Leo couldn't help the jolt that went through him as he wondered whether he'd ever see her again. A few moments later he shook it off, returning his thoughts to the paperwork on his desk that needed to be finished so that he could leave for the day, and leaving all thoughts of his conversation with Nikki to the back of his mind.

...

**A/N…so, my tree climbing was cancelled today due to the terrible terrible weather (it is june, right? coz I'm a little confused) and I'm feeling rather fed up, so please feel free to cheer me up with reviews… ;-)**


	38. chapter thirty three

**A/N…so I'm breaking my usual trend and writing my notes at the top of this one (which doesn't sit too well with my ocd, but I'll get over it, hopefully). Sorry for the delay in uploading, been crazy busy and so completely knackered in the evenings I kept meaning to upload this but couldn't find the energy or time to sit and do it! These next couple aren't long (wrote them before I first published this story on here and can't seem to manage to add to them now) but I will get more uploaded soon, promise! Thanks for all the lovely reviews for the last one…**

...**  
**

_chapter thirty-three_

Harry and Leo happened to enter the Lyell Centre together the next morning, both having been held up by a traffic collision on the way to work, one that luckily didn't seem to have provided them with any dead bodies so far.

"Have you heard from Nikki this morning?" Leo asked as they entered to find the desk areas still empty. Nikki lived in the opposite direction so shouldn't have had any problems getting to work. Harry shook his head as he dropped his bag beside his desk, eyes quickly drawn to the deep blue envelope sitting in front of his keyboard.

"Leo." There was a hint of desperation in his tone. Leo turned back from his office, walking across the room towards Harry.

"What's wrong?" He couldn't help but notice how the colour seemed to have drained from his younger colleague's face. Harry held up the envelope, which contained the words '_Harry & Leo_' written in neat but artistic feminine writing. It was Nikki's writing, they both knew it well. "Well open it then." Leo couldn't avoid the sense of dread that filled him at seeing the envelope, but tried to dismiss it as paranoia.

Harry looked just as nervous as he opened the envelope, pulled out the pages inside, and began to read. He didn't say anything for a while whilst he read and absorbed the letter.

"She's gone." When he finally did speak his statement was simple, yet his tone of voice said a lot more.

"What?" Although Leo sounded shocked and confused, a part of him already knew what he was about to discover. He found himself longing not to be proven correct.

"She's gone." Harry seemed to be struggling with the concept already, therefore unable to relay any more information. Instead, he handed the letter to Leo and let his shoulders slump. He felt himself leaning on a desk and was grateful that it was there as a support. Physical support. If only his emotional support hadn't just ran away. After a deep breath, Harry finally managed to get other words out. "It says we shouldn't try to find her."

...


	39. the letter

_'The Letter'_

_...  
_

_Dear Harry & Leo, _

_First of all, I'm so sorry to do this to both of you, especially to only tell you in a letter. I knew if I told you of my plans you'd only manage to convince me to stay, and that's not what I want. _

_I know I don't have much time left and I can't bear to let either of you see me go through my final days, I don't want to put you through that and I definitely don't want to be remembered that way. I know you'd both have stuck by me, as you always have, and I love you for that. You've become my family, something I'd been without for years and never thought I'd have again until I invaded your lab and for some reason you let me stay. _

_I'm heading back to my roots for a while. Don't try to find me, I don't want to be found and I don't want either of you to waste time searching for me. You have lives to continue. _

_You two will be by my side, always…_

_ Nikki xx_


	40. chapter thirty four

_chapter thirty-four_

Finding a slightly raised area that formed a sort of seat, Nikki sat down on the ground, her legs comfortably bent down in front of her. Her thin cotton scarf moved slightly in the cool sea breeze that rose up the land before her, tickling her toes that sat exposed in flip-flops on the grass.

The sky wasn't quite clear, as often by the sea, although it wasn't filled with clouds so much as hazy. A greyish blue that merged so perfectly with the sea in the distance that it was impossible to distinguish one from the other. The sun shone on her face, warming it enough to compensate for the breeze.

She glanced down as she felt something on her foot. A smile she was unaware of covered her face when she found a small beetle taking a stroll across it. She realised it was such as pleasant change to see a beetle in this context rather than scurrying across a decomposing body.

As her thoughts were drawn back to work, she couldn't help but wonder if it had been worth it. Spending all those hours, all those years, so dedicated and absorbed in her job that she barely took the time to do anything else.

There was one thing she knew she didn't regret. If she hadn't broken into the lab to use their software, she would never have met Harry and Leo. And she wouldn't change them for anything, they were her family.

What was so wrong with spending so much of your life working, when you loved your job and the people you did it with? Was that really a waste after all?

Nikki sighed, raising her head to stare out at the sea again. She knew she'd have to go soon; the breeze was becoming cooler, wrapping around her shoulders; the shiver that ran through her body in response reinforced the knowledge. Despite this, she chose to remain where she was for a few minutes longer.

There was something about this place. Something about staring out to sea that was special anywhere, especially in Africa, and Nikki didn't feel ready to leave it. The feeling made even more prominent by the fear that she might never see it again.

A large white cloud, seemingly appeared from nowhere and happy to stay, blocked the warmth of the sun. Finally the cold became too much, and Nikki stood, walking away, turning back one last time to stare at the sea a moment longer.

...


	41. chapter thirty five

_chapter thirty-five_

He was surprised upon seeing her; he had thought that she'd look worse, that she'd appear so obviously ill. And yet her golden hair shone under the sunlight, her eyes had regained the sparkle that he hadn't seen in a long time. She looked beautiful. His breath caught in his mouth as she turned and noticed him.

For a moment she looked shocked, her brown eyes widening. This soon transformed to a knowing smile, and Harry found his legs could move again allowing him to make his way towards her. Finally up close, his opinion that the warmer climate had done her some good only increased.

"I should have known." She didn't seem angry, which he had partly expected. In fact, she seemed to be more at peace with herself than he'd ever known her to be. It was ironic, but didn't surprise him really, Nikki had always gone against the norm; it was part of what made her so special.

"I know you said not to – but I just couldn't-" Harry struggled to form a sentence, his immediate pleasure at finding her so well dispersed a little as the reasons behind his trip slipped back into his mind. He took a deep breath. "Leo wanted to come, but he said he wanted to respect your wishes. I've never been so great at listening to your requests!" His attempt at humour seemed to fall a little flat, yet Nikki allowed a smile to flit across her lips. He took another deep breath, and tried to let her relaxed presence calm him.

He finally allowed his eyes to meet directly with hers. Another smile slipped across Nikki's face as she stepped even closer to Harry; it was not as though they'd had personal space around each other for years anyway. She moved right up to him and wrapped her arms around his tall frame. It barely took him a second to wrap his arms around her and feel her head nuzzle into his neck. The hug was softer than some of their hugs; yet so beautifully content in some way. Neither could have explained if you had begged them to, certain things just felt right despite no scientific reasoning.

"Thank you." When they finally pulled away simultaneously, Nikki reached a hand up to touch Harry's face. A shocked look appeared on his face in response to her words. "Thank you for coming." Nikki expanded, sensing his confusion.

The relief at finding her, at her not hating him for coming, overwhelmed him. Between that and the trauma of the last few months, Harry suddenly found himself feeling entirely drained. Nikki read the emotions that played across his face with the ease that only such a close friend could.

"Come on, let's go home." Nikki knew her words would affect him, but it felt right and she was beyond the stage of worrying about every little thing she said or did. She finally felt as though she could truly be herself, as if the last remaining pressures of society that she'd never quite shaken off were gone. Expectations and opinions were no longer a concern.

He knew she wasn't referring to England when she said 'let's go home'. He knew that she was referring to wherever it was she currently called home, and he was okay with that, anything to be with her right now.

...

**A/N... what a relief, my notes are back in their usual place...it's been really interesting reading the reviews you've all been leaving lately – as everyone seems to be wondering if I was going to leave Nikki to die alone (I'm not **_**that**_** mean) or have her jump off a building (that would just be plain messy). It means a lot to me that you've all been sucked in enough by this to get worried about what's going to happen! Hope this chapter makes you all happier, it's another one I wrote before I started putting the story on here, so hopefully it's alright and hasn't gone stale after sitting on my computer for so long(!) Let me know what you think?**


	42. chapter thirty six

_chapter thirty-six_

Nikki took him back to her friend Sara's place. Harry had known that she was staying there, after both he and Leo had made endless phone calls in order to find out where she'd gone. His mind went back to the slightly awkward phone conversation he'd had a couple of days earlier. It had taken a little while to get through to Professor Sara Laurence, though he had managed to get her number through the university in the end. As soon as he told her who he was, he was pretty sure Nikki was there, or had at least contacted her because she didn't seem all that surprised to hear from him.

"_I was under the impression she hadn't told you where she was." Her South African accent sounded stronger on the phone than it had in person. _

"_She didn't, but I know her, and there's not many places she'd go." Sara sighed before speaking. _

"_She'll probably kill me for this if she finds out, but I'm not really scared of Niks. So yeah, she is here, she's staying with Pieter and I." Harry nodded before realising Sara wouldn't be able to see that. _

"_Thanks. I'll be on the next flight I can get – don't tell her I'm coming, don't tell her I've spoken to you."_

"_Harry-" He cut her off before she had a chance to continue. _

"_I'm scared she'll run again if you tell her." He stated quite simply, his tone beneath the words betraying the emotion in his voice. "And I need to see her." There was a moment or two of silence between them, and both knew what they were thinking. Harry really wanted to ask how Nikki was, but he was so scared to know the answer that he didn't. He was sure that Sara was perfectly aware of this; she was rather perceptive. _

Harry was relieved that Sara hadn't said anything, hadn't given Nikki a chance to run again. The past week had been complete hell, and part of him had expected to receive a horrible phone call telling him she was gone forever. He felt slightly guilty that he'd essentially still left Leo in that situation. But it had been Leo's decision, and he didn't feel it was his place to come out to South Africa to see Nikki.

After Nikki led Harry through to the room she was staying in, letting him dump his bag and have a quick freshen up after the long flight, she took him outside where everyone was already gathering before dinner. He had wanted to stop her, have a chance to actually talk to her, but he felt as though he was in a daze, and didn't seem to be able to shake himself out of it.

Sara came over when she noticed them, giving them both a hug. Harry remained a little out of it as he watched them speak a few quiet words to each other. He assumed that it was about him, about Sara having told him where he could find Nikki, but neither seemed particularly angry or annoyed with the other, so he wasn't too worried.

Nikki soon slipped away from him into the crowd of people. He couldn't help but feel a slight tinge in his chest. He'd only just found her again, all he wanted to do now was to keep his arms wrapped tightly around her and never let her go.

Harry must have stood still for a few minutes before the haze that had settled upon him began to lift. He wasn't sure if he was just tired after the flight, or whether all the tension from the last week had finally drained him of energy. Honestly the last few months had been rather exhausting, but the past week without Nikki around really made him realise just how much he needed her. Just how much he couldn't bear to be without her. At least he was here now, and he wouldn't be leaving her or letting her leave anytime soon.

Sara and Pieter's house was gorgeous and as busy as Harry remembered. He was watching Nikki closely as she helped Sara organise dinner. Her light summery dress falling simply to just below her knees; slim pale legs heading into her ridiculously high sandals. Harry had never understood how she walked in some of her shoes, but he couldn't deny that they looked amazing on her.

He didn't notice as Pieter came up beside him until he felt a firm hand rest on his shoulder. He turned to look at him a moment later, and found Pieter had a look of understanding on his face. Words seemed unnecessary for them both, and so he led Harry over to the drinks table and poured him a gin and tonic, receiving a nod and quiet 'thanks' in response.

They stood in silence for quite a while, before Harry finally pulled his gaze from where it had settled watching Nikki again, and turned to Pieter.

"Thank you, for letting us stay. And for looking after Nikki." The nod and pat on his shoulder were all the reply he received, and yet plenty enough to reassure him that it was alright.

Later on that night, after they had wordlessly crawled into bed together; bodies naturally curling against each other's, Nikki turned to him, speaking softly but looking directly at him with an intense expression on her face.

"I want to go somewhere tomorrow, I want to take you there." Harry simply nodded in reply, the serious tone in Nikki's voice partly scaring him, partly making him wish tomorrow was here already to see where she wanted to take him. He could tell it was somewhere important to her, just from the way she spoke, and yet he had no idea where she was planning to take him.

A soft smile covered her face at his response, and as she closed her eyes Harry could feel her gently tug his arms a little tighter around her body.

...

**A/N…sorry for the delay uploading, ran out of finished chapters so need to find the time to fill in gaps in half-written chapters or completely write some of the chapters before I can get them up. And it seems to be a busy time of the year for me - lots of trees that need to be climbed amongst other things… Anyway, thanks to everyone that keeps reviewing - I'll try to get more up soon!**


	43. chapter thirty seven

_chapter twenty-seven_

Leo sighed as he lay awake in bed. The early morning sun was streaming in through the bedroom window, and he couldn't help but feel that it should really be tipping it down with rain rather than the clear blue skies he could see from his position. It would fit his mood so much better. Somehow the sun just seemed to be taunting him, as if he should feel as happy as the weather seemed to be. Needless to say, it wasn't going to happen.

Janet was already up and bustling around the room to get ready for work, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to move. His legs felt heavy, his head fuzzy and full, and he was seriously fighting the urge to close his eyes and go back to sleep. He pulled the covers up over an exposed shoulder, truly contemplating not getting out of bed. Janet walked over to the side of the bed, stopping to look at him.

"Leo." He wondered sometimes if it was a good thing that Janet could read him so well, because he could tell what was coming next just from the way she said his name. He guessed he could read her rather well too. "You have to go to work." He sighed in response, rolling over in the bed so that he was lying on his back.

"I know." His answer was somewhat reluctant, even though he knew she was right.

"She needs you to stay strong."

"I know."

"But you don't have to be strong with me." Leo stopped at that, turning his head back to face Janet, and taking the opportunity to look at her properly. Reaching out to take hold of her hand, he pulled her from where she stood back down onto the bed towards him.

"I love you. You know that, right?" She answered him with a smile quickly followed by a kiss, and he found himself even more reluctant to leave the bed.

...

Unbeknownst to Leo, at that exact moment Harry was lying in his own apartment, in his bed, with the same lack of desire and motivation to move. He had been awake a while, long before his alarm was set to beep at him in an irritating manner. He hated it, but some days it was the only thing that got him out of bed. Today was different. Despite feeling exhausted the night before, Harry hadn't slept for as long as he had hoped to. It was mostly emotional exhaustion, and it was as prominent today as it had been the evening before.

Harry lay there for quite some time, staring at the ceiling, lost in thoughts. Debating on whether he could call in sick and lie there all day. Leo would be mad. He'd know that Harry wasn't really ill, he always did, there was no fooling him. Harry had tried early on when Leo took over as the boss, and soon realised it wasn't worth the hassle. And yet today he was seriously toying with the idea.

Just as he was forcing his brain to conclude that it wasn't fair to leave Leo and Nikki with his added work load, especially considering everything that was going on, his phone began to ring; forcing him to move from him position and stop staring at the ceiling.

He stretched out his long arm to reach his mobile phone, minimising how much he actually had to shift his body. Glancing at the number, he frowned when he didn't recognise it, and picked it up all the same.

"Harry Cunningham." He answered, keeping his voice as professional as he could considering that he didn't know who the caller was.

"Hi Harry, it's DC Catina."

"Julia?" Harry interrupted before she had a chance to continue, sitting up in bed finally, a little surprised at receiving her call.

"Yeah, sorry to call you so early - I'm calling re Dr Alexander, she's down at the station at the moment. She got picked up after running a red light."

"She what?" Now Harry really was awake.

"She was picked up by a couple of uniforms a few hours ago. At first they thought she might be drunk – but she's barely over the limit. One of them recognised her from the Silverlake shooting, and called me knowing I'd worked with her on that. I thought you'd want to know."

"Is she alright?"

"Yeah, well physically at least. She seems upset but won't talk."

"I'm on my way over." Harry hung up the phone, dropping it back onto his bed in his hurry to leap up in search of clothes. He threw on a pair of jeans and yesterday's shirt, which was still draped across the back of a chair where he had left it the previous night. Just about remembering to pick up his phone and stuff it in a pocket as he rushed out of his apartment, Harry couldn't help the worry that was seeping through him. It wasn't like he hadn't spent a lot of time worrying about Nikki already, even before her diagnosis he found himself worrying about her a lot. She had a knack for getting herself into trouble, and wouldn't always tell him when it was the emotional sort of trouble, that was something he'd discovered recently. He couldn't help but wonder what he'd find when he reached the police station. He honestly didn't know what to think, she wasn't exactly the type to run a red light. Nor to go anywhere near her car after even one drink. He had to wonder if she was on an emotional meltdown, breaking everything apart to see what would happen. Though if that was the case he was pretty sure she wouldn't be aware of what she was doing, or more importantly, why she was doing it.

DC Catina was waiting for him when he arrived at the police station, and took him straight to Nikki, filling him in on some of the details as they walked down the corridor. He was a little surprised when he entered the room to see Nikki, but didn't know what he was really expecting to be honest.

She looked so small, so vulnerable, sitting on a hard plastic chair with her legs drawn up under her chin, arms wrapped so tightly around them it appeared as if she was trying to hold herself together. Harry eased himself down into the chair next to her, sitting at a slight angle so that he could look at her properly. After a minute of silence he spoke.

"Nikki?" It took a few moments before she turned her head to face him, but she still didn't speak. Her expression was so empty, so lost, and Harry felt his heart crumble when she met his eyes. It was only for a moment, before she looked back down in shame. He had a feeling he wasn't going to get anything out of her right now, and so stood up again, making his way over to where Julia was waiting by the doorway.

"Is she being charged?"

"No, we're letting her go with a caution." Harry nodded in gratitude. Julia paused for a moment, considering whether to ask what was on her mind or just stay quiet. "Harry, is everything alright?" She wasn't great at staying quiet.

"Things have been rather messed up lately." Harry sighed, rubbing a hand across his tired face, catching on stumble he hadn't taken the time to shave before rushing down to the station. "Thanks for calling me Julia, I really appreciate it." Turning away from Julia, Harry's gaze settled back upon Nikki, who was still staring at the floor, right where he left her. Sighing to himself, Harry felt his shoulders drop. This was going to be another long day.

...

**A/N…I am still here, honest, despite my lack of updating! Had a bit of a mental block, then had a bizarre idea that formed this chapter and the two after, but took ages to finish writing it, keep getting distracted writing later chapters…oops. But I'm going to try to finish the next few chapters off very soon as they're nearly finished, and after this week I've got a few crazy weeks of tree climbing for data collection (which probably won't make much sense if you don't know what I do - but anyways, it's a busy time of the year for me!)**

**As always, let me know what you think and I'll try to write faster (and love you forever)!**


	44. interlude five

_**For Blindbadger…who unknowingly inspired me to write another interlude when I thought I was all out of interlude ideas…**_

...

_interlude_

He found the Lyell centre so quiet without them both. It had seemed empty as soon as Nikki had left, but Harry had sucked him into his search for her and he hadn't really stopped to notice it. Now he felt lost. He was in his own office, in a place he'd been working for over a decade, and yet he no longer felt as though he belonged. He guessed it really was the people that made a place. They had become so much more than just colleagues, they had become a family, and he couldn't see how he could keep returning to work now that was gone.

And yet here he was. He didn't know what else to do with himself right now. He knew that he had to start looking for new pathologists. Even if Harry came back they'd still need someone else. But somehow he couldn't bring himself to start his search. It felt like a betrayal, as though he was finally giving up on her, and he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

He had admitted to Harry that she'd said goodbye, although at the time he hadn't let himself believe that he would never see her again. Part of him wished that he'd gone with Harry; that he'd picked up and followed them. But he had to believe there was a reason she'd made a point of saying goodbye to him and not Harry, and now he had to trust her, trust that she knew what she wanted. However difficult that may be.

...


	45. chapter thirty eight

_chapter thirty-eight_

A couple of days later Harry almost felt his world fall apart. They had stayed at home for the day, and he was finding places around their room to store the few bits and pieces he'd brought with him and hadn't actually managed to unpack so far. He couldn't believe he was already starting to think of it as home. It wasn't his home, but it was as good as Nikki's home. She might not own it, but she was staying there, and that was enough for him to start calling it home.

Whilst putting his clothes away neatly, or as close to neatly as he ever reached, he stumbled across something that he couldn't quite comprehend. Something he couldn't believe, wouldn't allow himself to believe. He tried to tell himself that somehow he'd got the wrong idea as he waited for Nikki to finish in the bathroom. Typically she took longer than he would have thought possible, leaving his confusion and bad mood to grow steadily whilst he waited.

He practically pounced on Nikki when she finally emerged, the look of shock on her face not slipping his notice, although he ignored it, wanting an explanation from her to explain his discovery.

"What is this?" Harry must have known the answer as he held up a small glass bottle and questioned Nikki. Which led her to believe he was really asking 'why?' rather than 'what?'. She wasn't sure how to reply, how to explain to him that she couldn't struggle through her last hours or days in terrible pain if it came to that. How she wanted to leave this world with some control, rather than feel all her power torn away from her.

She sighed, trying to turn away from the intensity of Harry's gaze, finding herself pulled back by strong hands around the top of her arms. Closing her eyes for a moment, she attempted to delay the inevitable. She had come to except certain things, but she wasn't sure that Harry was ready to yet.

She had begun to think that she'd left most of her torn up feelings of pain and confusion in England. She had been coping so much better since she came out to South Africa, she had finally allowed herself to accept her situation and deal with the position that left her in. But somehow it only took Harry to send her spiralling again.

Feeling the tight grip on her arms, Nikki could feel a terrifying mix of emotions rise within her in response to him. Despite knowing that he must be amid an array of confusing emotions himself, she couldn't let herself return to state she'd been in a few weeks before, couldn't let herself be dragged into that.

Nikki took a deep breath, eyes still closed she found the powerful calming centre inside herself she'd begun to develop and use to keep her steady. Eyes finally cracking open to meet Harry's, she realised she still didn't know what to say, how to make him understand how she felt.

Rather than using words, she simply looked at him. Opening herself up, she let him see the sorrow in her eyes, the fear of what was coming, and the acceptance that she didn't really have any other options. His temper calmed considerably. He was still angry, but he could read all the emotions she was showing him, and couldn't bring himself to direct his anger at her any longer.

They stared at each other for a few minutes, neither wanting to break the fragile silence. In the end it was Harry that shattered it, pulling Nikki rather forcefully into a crushing hug. He muttered his words under his breath, and yet she heard them clearly. Almost too clearly.

"Not yet, please not yet." There was a hint of desperation in Harry's voice, accompanied by an element of panic he didn't even try to disguise.

Again Nikki chose not to reply without speaking. She nuzzled her face into the side of Harry's neck, hugging him back almost as tightly as he was holding her, and allowed him to support her. She knew he'd understand without the need for words.

...

**A/N…hope that people are still reading out there in between summer craziness and holidays etc…thank you to everyone that reviewed the last couple of chapters, and extra thanks to everyone that reviewed '**_**Come Tenderness'**_** – I was a little unsure about putting it up (not just due to my number issues) so the reviews made me incredibly happy! Sorry the updates aren't regular at the moment, but that's life for ya! **


	46. chapter thirty nine

_chapter thirty-nine_

They soon easily slipped into a daily routine. Harry would help out Sara with the odd post-mortem in the morning, sometimes accompanied by Nikki depending on how she was feeling that day. They'd always meet for lunch; go somewhere different most days, though there was one particular café that Nikki loved so they'd go there every couple of days instead of trying somewhere new. Afternoons tended to be relaxing; sometimes they'd go for a walk, sometimes they'd go further afield, sometimes Harry would sit and watch Nikki sleep if she was too exhausted for anything else.

The dinners with Sara and Pieter were often busy and hectic, and although they both loved them, the days that they had managed to venture out and do other things in the afternoon left Nikki hiding in their room from the noise and activity, Harry bringing her a few bits of food later on. Each night they curled up in each other's arms, usually relaxing into that position comfortably and sleeping better than either had in years. Harry had noticed that after the bad days he held on a little tighter, and Nikki accepted that, seemed to need it herself, as if neither was quite ready to part, because the bad days made the reality they were trying so hard to avoid come crashing down around them.

It didn't pass Harry by when the bad days became more frequent. When Nikki couldn't manage their lunches together, let alone any other activities. When he struggled to get her to eat anything all day. When her headaches were so bad that he found her curled up in a ball on the bed, unable to move, or think, or do anything except keep her eyes scrunched shut and long for peace.

She didn't want to tell him, but in those moments she longed for the end to come. The pain was so excruciating, so incredibly beyond her capacity to cope, she wished she could leave it behind. She had contemplated it on multiple occasions. But she could sense that Harry wasn't ready. Although she knew he'd never truly be ready, she had a feeling that now wasn't the time, but there would be a time. A time when she couldn't cope anymore, and Harry would finally see that, accept that, and let her go. In those hours of agony she hoped he'd come to that realisation soon.

...


	47. chapter forty

_chapter forty_

Harry moaned as the noise of someone bustling around the room stirred him from his deep sleep. He had been planning on having a lie in that morning. Planning to stay snuggled up in bed with Nikki until they both became too hungry and finally had to emerge. But the bed beside him was already cool, he noticed as he reached an arm out. Nikki wasn't there. His brain slowly came to the conclusion that it was her causing all the noise. He really wasn't a morning person. Not that Nikki was at the moment, he realised in surprise as his brain finally caught up.

As he cracked an eye open, the other soon following suit, he realised she must have tilted the blinds up already, as sunlight was filling the room, aggravating his sleepy eyes. Rubbing the back of a hand across his face, Harry moaned again. Finally he rolled over, pushing his upper body up a little and resting his head on a hand.

Nikki was across the other side of the room, getting dressed. Quite how she had made enough noise to wake him, he wasn't sure, although there was a chance she had done it on purpose. He watched as she slipped into her clothes, soon hiding the underwear he was quite content to stare at her in. Harry was pleased to notice she wasn't quite as worryingly thin as she had been for a while. She was still thinner than he would have liked to see, but it wasn't as frightening as it had been that day he'd found her curled up in her bath tub. He had been so terrified that he'd break her that day, when he lifted her and could tell she had lost so much weight. He'd lifted her before, carried her to bed on more than one occasion, although sadly never for the reason he secretly desired. She had never been particularly heavy, but also never before so scarily light. It had terrified him, shaken him to the core, and made the reality of losing her seem so much more tangible.

Shaking his head to himself, he tried to push away the depressing thoughts as Nikki turned away from the mirror to look at him. Her smile filled her face, actually making her eyes twinkle in the way he'd missed for such a long time. His breath caught in his chest at just how beautiful she was, somehow without even being truly aware of it. He was sure that her lack of appreciation of her own beauty only increased the appeal.

Nikki frowned slightly, a smile still on her lips as she did so.

"What?" She asked, a little confused by the look Harry was giving her.

"You look different." He stated quite simply, though Nikki could tell his mind was working overtime. She shrugged, accompanied with another small coy smile.

"I feel kinda good." He could tell she was reluctant to say those words, or to say anymore, encase she somehow jinxed it. "Come on, get your lazy arse out of bed, I want to go out." Nikki grabbed hold of one of Harry's arms, tugging at it rather unsuccessfully. She was too small to really shift him, but he happily gave in after a few moments of resisting, and allowed himself to be dragged out of bed and pushed in the direction of the bathroom with some clothes thrown into his arms. He laughed at Nikki's efforts to get him moving, and was delighted to see a sparkle in her eyes in response.

When he emerged from the bathroom about ten minutes later, he found Nikki perched on the end of the bed waiting for him. She'd obviously put some effort into her appearance; her hair gently curled, eyes darker with makeup and a long, floaty skirt falling around ankles encased in strappy platform shoes.

He almost forgot to breathe for a moment as he stood and stared at her. She took his breath away, quite literally and he wondered how he'd managed to stay just a friend for so long.

"Come on, stop standing around we've got a whole day too enjoy and the sun is shining out there." Nikki stood up, taking a hold of his arm again and dragging him out of the door.

Harry couldn't help but smile at the playfulness in Nikki's eyes. He pushed away all thoughts of reality, why they were really out in South Africa. He didn't want to question anything too much, to wonder how long this would last; he could tell Nikki didn't want to question it and tried not to ruin it for her. He forced himself to ignore all of that so that he could enjoy this day. As much as Nikki obviously planned to. He wouldn't dream of taking that away from her.

They fell back through the door in fits of giggles that evening. Though neither was really sure what had set them off, probably one of Harry's terrible jokes. Harry had his arm around Nikki's waist, and seemed reluctant to let go even when they couldn't get through the doorway side by side, which only caused another fit of laughter as they finally got into the room, Harry kicking the door shut behind them.

The thud of the door closing calmed them both, and suddenly, as Nikki turned to face him, Harry realised just how close they were standing. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, Harry found his eyes transfixed upon Nikki's, which were a deep, dark brown; full of passion and desire.

Before he knew what was happening her lips were on his, as if she finally realised that nothing would ever happen if she didn't instigate it. The kiss was passionate, strong, but not too forceful, and only left Harry wanting more when Nikki pulled back a moment later.

Eyes meeting again, unspoken words passed between them and in an instant their lips had met again, this time with bodies following suit and each pulling the other towards themselves.

The second kiss was a beautiful mix of hungry desire and gentle love, easily sliding from fiery passion into tenderness and back again. It crossed Nikki's mind that she'd finally found home and wished she never had to leave.

Somewhere in a break between kisses Harry lifted Nikki, whose legs fitted so perfectly around his waist he would have thought they were made from opposite sides of the same mould. He easily moved them onto the bed, where the kisses soon resumed.

Nikki was sure she was melting inside with the way Harry was making her feel. His touch sent shivers across her skin, a tingling sensation remaining for a while after his hand moved to another part of her body.

They didn't speak; it didn't seem necessary, they'd been talking for years. Other forms of communication took over, and proved to be more than adequate.

Nikki had never felt like this before. Never felt so completely safe and secure at the same time as feeling so incredible. And so loved.

In the past she would have assumed it would be a fleeting feeling. Any happiness that she found had a tendency to disintegrate before she had a chance to really savour it. She was pretty used to it, and in the last couple of years she had almost stopped believing it was possible. To be wanted without being used. She didn't even have to worry that tomorrow she'd find out he wasn't the man she thought. She had known Harry so well for so long that she knew that wasn't a possibility.

The confidence in both her own and his feelings only made the moments more pleasurable. There was no little voice in the back of her head telling her that this might not be the best idea. Reminding her not to fall too deep too fast. Letting her know it could never last. It was almost strange, all the little voice was telling her was to stop thinking so much and just simply enjoy this.

She met Harry's eyes with such intensity that he paused for a moment, before smiling at her and claiming her lips once more; his hands quickly returning to distracting her elsewhere. Nikki couldn't help but let a moan escape as he slowly and purposefully stripped her clothes. He took his time, teasing her as he removed each item and pushing her hands back to the bed when she tried to remove his. She should have known he would be a tease in bed. Two could play at that game.

Nikki soon distracted Harry for long enough to remove most of his clothes. Bare skin now meeting bare skin; the rest of the world slipped away as their bodies moved in unison.

...

**A/N…so, I'm heading off to Scotland for a week (climbing trees again) and thought I'd leave you in a slightly less angsty place. Hope you enjoyed the break from angstiness (yes, I do believe I just made that word up)…back onto heavy angst for the next chapter so savour this whilst it lasts. Let me know what you think, it'll make me very happy if I have reviews to come back to (and will remind me to upload the next chapter when I get back)! Hope you all have a great week…**


	48. chapter forty one

_chapter forty-one_

Nikki woke a few hours later. At first she wasn't sure what had woken her. Laying still, she couldn't help but smile when she thought back to the previous day. It had been perfect. Or at least as close as she believed was humanly possible. And of course the day had been finished off by an incredible evening. Which led to her current position; barely clothed, barely covered by a sheet; with a welcomed possessive arm lying across her body.

It was strange; they had been sharing a bed for the past few weeks, and yet this was so completely different. They had finally crossed a line Nikki had grown to believe was a stone wall that would never be knocked down. Yet it had been. She had started it, and despite all her fears and previous apprehension, Harry had joined her, finally leaving the wall as a pile of rubble on the ground.

A contented sigh escaped her lips. She couldn't remember if she'd ever felt the happiness she had the previous day, certainly she had never been treated so well by a man before, but somehow she had always known Harry would treat her properly. He managed to find the perfect balance between respect, care, love and passion.

In an instant, interrupting Nikki's rather blissful thoughts, she realised what had woken her up. The next instant she was out of bed, leaving Harry's arm discarded on an empty mattress, and rushing towards the bathroom. All the memories of her incredible day slipped further and further away as her body folded in two with pain as she retched over the toilet.

It wasn't long, though Nikki's sense of time had become somewhat distorted, before she felt hands pulling her hair away from her face. She gratefully accepted the cool flannel pressed to her forehead a moment later, and as her focus was lost between her stomach trying to bring up food that was no longer there, and her head pounding so intensely her thoughts became jumbled, she was vaguely aware that a towel or blanket was wrapped around her sticky, damp, but rapidly cooling skin.

Harry seemed to have the perfect sense of when she needed a hand on her back as comfort, and when she couldn't bear to be touched. Nikki was grateful he could read her that well, because she was in no position to speak.

They must have spent a couple of hours on the bathroom floor before Nikki was steady enough to keep down a small glass of water. Her body still trembling slightly after all the stress it had been through. Harry found himself running a hand gently over her hair, trying to calm himself as he held a now still Nikki in his arms. He couldn't avoid the dampness of her hair around her face, the limpness of it as it hung around her shoulders, and couldn't get his head around the difference from during the day, when her curls had bounced around which such life he had almost forgotten about the harsh reality surrounding them. He certainly couldn't avoid it now. His immediate concern for Nikki had kept his mind occupied since he had woken and found her gone. Now that his mind had a moment to wander, he felt despair threatening to consume him.

He knew he had to stay in control of his emotions, had to keep hold of himself for Nikki. For as long as she needed him. But right now he wasn't sure how he was going to pick himself up off the floor. Especially considering he had to support Nikki in addition to himself. The whole weight of the situation was pressing down on him, compressing his chest and making it a struggle to breathe steadily. He was grateful that Nikki was so unaware right now, in her barely conscious state, that she wasn't likely to notice his change in breathing. Or the slight gasp that came as he inhaled, threatening to turn into a sob. Or the droplet of moisture that sneaked out of the corner of one of his eyes, slipping slowly down his cheek before falling into Nikki's hair where it was soon lost amongst a mess of sweat hardened curls.

Harry closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, managing to keep it steady and using it to calm himself. They couldn't stay here on the floor forever. The tiles beneath them were hard and cold, and he was just starting to recognise how uncomfortable he was, how cold Nikki must be. Realising that he could feel her trembling in his arms was enough to get him moving again. He couldn't let his own state cause her more pain or discomfort.

Standing, he raised Nikki up with him, supporting her body weight with his arms under hers and wrapped around her body. He turned her around carefully so that he could see her face, unsurprised by the almost closed eyes and clammy skin that he was presented with. Taking another deep breath to ease the pressure returning to his chest, Harry slowly began to remove the few remaining items of clothing they had on.

Being equally gentle and careful, he moved them both into the shower, letting warm water wash away the evidence of the night. Supporting Nikki's weight whilst trying to open a bottle of shower gel, and then wash her hair was rather difficult, but Nikki came round enough to help spread the shower gel across her body. Harry felt his chest relax ever so slightly as she became more aware for a few minutes. The way that she had allowed him to move any part of her without resistance had frightened him. It was like holding a rag doll in his arms.

Nikki's pallor returned to somewhere much closer to normal by the time they emerged from the shower, and Harry found his skin mostly dried itself in the time it took to ensure Nikki was properly dry and warm.

Carrying her back to bed, Harry pulled the sheet up over her, tucking her in safely, before joining her a few minutes later, thankful that she had already fallen asleep, though not at all surprised given the last few hours.

He barely lay back, an arm resting close to Nikki so that he'd know if she needed him, before his eyes closed and sleep claimed him as well.

...

**A/N…Totally meant to upload this sooner, but had a couple of things stopping me. I didn't really want to break the little bubble of happiness I had left Nikki and Harry in…though I might have just shattered it now. That and this chapter needed a bit of a rewrite, and I haven't been writing recently, only just rediscovered that ability today (yay) so sorted this chapter out and wrote a whole load more that wasn't quite planned for into the next one (seems to be a habit with me, my fingers get carried away typing sometimes). Oh, and I found a few typos in past chapters when I was away and reading back through them on my comp. So apologies for them, will update the chapters when I get a chance…it's so difficult to properly proofread your own stuff! **

**Thank you so much everyone that reviewed the last chapter…means a lot that you've taken the time to let me know what you think…**


	49. chapter forty two

_chapter forty-two_

"Yesterday was incredible. She felt great, and we had a great time. And now today-" Harry paused, feeling a slight lump appear in his dry throat. "Today she's headed further in the opposite direction. She's obviously in pain, and I can't do anything." The frustration came out of his tone in waves. "We were up half the night – she was so ill, I couldn't even do anything to help her."

"Just having you here is helping, Harry. Don't underestimate the difference that makes." Sara sighed, feeling the gravity of the situation pressing on her chest. She'd lost enough people in her lifetime, but somehow this was different. Having someone that she'd taught, that had become someone she thought of as a sister, slip away in front of her was almost more than she could cope with. And she could cope with a lot. After a few minutes of thought Sara spoke again. "Is she sleeping?" Harry nodded silently.

"She's even more exhausted than usual after the rough night, I doubt she'll be getting up today."

"Well how about you take a break then? Go have a change of scene, I can keep an eye on Nikki today." Harry started to shake his head, started to mutter in disagreement. But as Nikki had said when Sara first met Harry, she could be bully when needed, so she wasn't going to be the one to back down. "Harry, you need to take a break, you're doing everything you can, but you need some time for yourself. I'll get Pieter to take you out somewhere." He still looked a little unsure. "I'll take care of her." She stated reassuringly. She knew Harry didn't doubt her, he was just very reluctant to leave Nikki.

Eventually he gave in, and nodded in agreement, trying to stop the guilt that was already making its way through him at the thought of leaving Nikki when she was so ill and going out to do something different. Despite the guilt that threatened to consume him, he did realise that he needed a change of scene. He was starting to tire himself.

...

Sara opened the door quietly, her eyes quickly drawn to the small figure curled up on one side of the bed. She sighed, hesitated for a moment before fully entering the room and closing the door behind her. It was so difficult to see her like this, to see how much had changed since the last time Nikki had come to South Africa. She had been so full of life. Even when she arrived this time Sara wouldn't have imagined it could get this bad looking at her then. Moving across the room, Sara pulled up a chair beside the bed and settled into it, her eyes barely leaving Nikki's still form.

It had been a bit of a shock, getting a call from Nikki that said she was about to leave for South Africa and needed somewhere to stay. Sara had known something was wrong, if not from the suddenness of her visit, there was something in her voice that gave her away. At the time she had no idea what it was, how bad it was, just that her friend needed somewhere to stay and she couldn't possibly turn her away. Nikki had refused to explain what was going on over the phone, had insisted that she'd tell Sara everything when she arrived. What a conversation that had been.

Sara had met her at the airport, and was shocked at how she looked. The worst she'd ever seen Nikki looking was after some of their rather late nights out back in Johannesburg. That was nothing compared to watching her come out through the arrivals gate, seemingly struggling to pull an average size case along behind her. Her eyes were dark, sunken, the skin around them grey. She had obviously lost weight, her clothes hanging off her frame more than usual.

As Nikki spotted her she paused for a moment, a half-smile making it to her lips, though not spreading to the rest of her face the way it was supposed to. Sara barely waited for her to make it across the large arrival hall before she was reaching out, drawing her tightly into her arms. She wasn't sure they'd ever hugged this tightly, but something told her that her friend needed it. The movement of a face into the side of her neck and sensation of warm liquid hitting her shoulder confirmed her suspicion. The strange phone call had left her expecting Nikki wouldn't quite be herself, but never could she have imaged this.

Nikki seemed to run out of energy after their hug. Sara knew long flights were tough sometimes, but it truly seemed to have taken all the life out of her. Sara kept an arm around Nikki as they made their way to the car, dragging Nikki's case along in her other hand. Nikki had stared out of the window in silence all the way back to Sara's home, finding herself grateful that Sara knew her well enough to know she wasn't ready to open up yet, to tell her what was wrong. Where she was going to start, Nikki had no idea.

It wasn't until later that day that they spoke. Nikki had quickly fallen asleep at the first sight of a comfortable bed, and woke late in the afternoon, knowing her body clock would be out of sync for a while, though honestly it already had been for longer than she could remember. The advantage of travelling to somewhere with only an hours' time difference was usually the lack of jet lag, but when you barely slept for a cramped twelve hour over-night flight it tended to leave the same effect.

They had sat down on the bed in Nikki's room, curled up against the abundance of cushions and talked into the early hours. Nikki found it difficult at first, knowing where to start, how to tell Sara why she had come out to South Africa, why she wasn't likely to be returning home. She hadn't appreciated until that moment that it had become rare for her to have such a close female friend to talk to. She had missed it. Harry was amazing, and she could tell him almost anything, but it wasn't the same as curling up with a girlfriend and talking for hours.

Sara hadn't cried when Nikki told her. There were tears in her eyes, mirroring Nikki's, but she hadn't cried, hadn't broken down, hadn't questioned too much or tried to deny that it was happening. It was a strength that Nikki had expected from her, but never before knew how much she would appreciate it. How much it would mean to her, and how easy it made it for her to truly open up, without being worried about what she said hurting someone else.

She knew Sara was upset, that wasn't in question, but to have someone that was able to leave that to the side and be fully supportive was incredible. Nikki knew that it was for her, to enable her to finally be truthful with someone about the whole situation without worrying. Because honestly, she was far too exhausted to keep worrying about everyone else as well as herself.

Nikki had seemed to get better for a couple of weeks. Gained some kind of inner strength after finally acknowledging all of her feelings and symptoms and accepting what was happening to her. Sara watched as she regained her confidence. In fact, it seemed to grow beyond what it had been before, and she was pleased to see Nikki so at peace with herself.

Somehow, whilst Nikki temporarily improved, Sara had allowed herself to believe that the inevitable wasn't going to happen, that she wasn't going to die here, like this. Denial was so easy to lose yourself in.

Sara's mind was drawn back to the present as she noticed movement in front of her. She wouldn't have thought it possible at the time, but now Nikki looked even worse than she had when she first saw her at the airport. Her bubble of denial was most certainly broken after seeing Nikki like this.

Nikki's eyes cracked open slowly, her head naturally rolling to one side to face Sara.

"Hey." Sara spoke softly, more gently that she had since any of her children were little.

"Hey." Nikki's voice was tired and rough, so obviously filled with pain that Sara wished she could do something to help. She certainly understood how hard this had to be for Harry. "Has Harry gone out?" Sara nodded in response.

"Yeah, he needed a change of scene, took some convincing though."

"Good. He needs to have a break from me for a while." Sara could tell that Nikki was putting more effort into speaking, her voice more neutral. She honestly wasn't sure why Nikki bothered in front of her, she should have known it wasn't necessary, but Sara didn't know if she should mention anything. Maybe making that effort was what had kept her going for so long. "He has been so totally amazing. But I worry about him, he hasn't taken any time for himself recently, and after I-." She stopped there, not quite able to say the words. She sighed slightly, deciding to change the subject; the other thing she wanted to say could wait for now. "Did Harry say anything to you about yesterday?"

"He didn't mention whatever happened that has put that grin on your face." Nikki looked a little surprised, she hadn't even realised she was smiling. "Finally?" Sara questioned, receiving her answer just by studying her friend's face. "Finally!" She couldn't help but smile herself, glad for a tiny piece of happiness in a rough few months for the pair.

Part of Nikki wondered whether it would make things harder for Harry, once she was gone. That they'd finally become more than friends. Though in all honesty they'd been more than friends for a long time. Thinking back to Hungary, one of the things that had been killing her was the missed opportunity. The fact that she'd never told him, never spoken about how she really felt. She hoped it worked the other way around, and that it would actually be better for him that they'd faced up to their emotions, even if it could not last long. She couldn't help the part of her brain that told her she should have gone for it years ago, that she'd wasted so much time, but she couldn't think like that now. She just had to appreciate what she had, for however a short period of time it was for.

"So what's new with you, tell me everything."

Sara could see what Nikki was doing, changing the subject away from her for a while, and to be honest she wasn't surprised. She must have reached the end of her limit of being asked about herself, about how she was feeling, and probably just wanted something that would take her mind off it for a while. Sara happily indulged her, updating her on what was going on with all her family members, and then work, talking her through the more interesting cases, hoping to keep Nikki distracted for as long as she could.

As Sara became exhausted of stories worth telling, she slowed down, dragging out the last one in an attempt not to stop talking. She could feel the tension coming back into the room, remembered Nikki stopping herself mid-sentence earlier, and wondered if they'd be back onto a less enjoyable subject again soon. There was only so long she could keep them both away from that happening, as much as she wanted to avoid it forever.

She met eyes with Nikki as she finished speaking, and saw something there that she didn't know how to read. She used to be able to read her friend so easily, Nikki could never hide much from her, but right now Sara was at a loss to know what was on her mind. Nikki took a deep breath before starting.

"I want you to do something for me Sara, and I know it's a lot to ask." It was obvious Sara was a little puzzled, not to mention slightly concerned as to what Nikki was going to ask of her. But she waited in silence, not wanting to stop Nikki in the middle of something that was difficult to say. "After, when Harry takes me back to England, could you go with him? And keep an eye on him and Leo for a few days? I just worry about them. Leo has Janet now, but Harry-" Nikki paused and took another deep breath. "When I thought I'd lost him in Hungary, when I thought he was dead, I wasn't sure I wanted to live anymore." Sara looked a little shocked, she hadn't expected that coming from Nikki. "If we hadn't found him, I don't know what I would have done."

If the words weren't enough to penetrate deep into Sara, the sound of Nikki's voice, the echoes of past desperation combined with the rough, almost broken tone certainly affected her. Nikki had told her a little about what happened in Hungary, the emotions obviously still a little raw despite the time that had passed since. But Sara had no idea how bad it had been, that Nikki had felt that way.

"He's my everything, Sara. Has been for years and I'm not sure I even realised it. I can't imagine living without him, and if it's the same for him-"

"I think we know without a doubt that he feels the same way about you, Niks. You guys might have taken a while to catch up to that realisation, but everyone around you could tell." A smile crossed Nikki's lips.

"Were we really that obvious?" At the look on Sara's face she didn't bother to wait for a verbal response. "Right."

A few moments of silence passed between them, both letting minds wander freely. Eventually Nikki broke the surface tension that had settled over them.

"I need to know that you'll do that for me, that you'll keep an eye on him." Sara looked at Nikki again, feeling a shiver run down her spine, but appreciating the openness she could see in Nikki's eyes, the fact that she wasn't hiding herself at all.

"Nikki."

"Sara, please." Somewhat reluctantly, Sara nodded.

"Of course. I've got you covered Niks." It wasn't that she didn't want to do what Nikki was asking of her, it was more a matter of her struggling to believe they'd reached this point. That this was really happening, that she wasn't dreaming, that there was truly nothing anyone could do. That her friend was leaving her. That it was completely and entirely out of her control.

Sara could feel Nikki start to drift away. She lay back again, allowing her tired body to rest against the pillows, no longer making an effort to talk. And yet Sara sensed that she seemed to be resisting falling fully asleep, her dark eyes persistently remaining open.

"Go to sleep, I'll be right here." Sara reached out a hand, laying it gently on Nikki's arm and hoping the contact would give her some of the reassurance she was looking for.

"Thank you. Thank you for everything Sara." Her words trailed off as she fell back to sleep, eyes sliding shut as she lost the power to fight the overwhelming heaviness of her eyelids. Leaving Sara sitting in the quiet room, a lone tear making its way down her face; the tiniest piece of evidence that she was crumbling inside.

...

**A/N… another chapter! If there's any mistakes in this one it's due to me doing my last read through whilst half asleep…heading away for another long weekend of karate craziness tomorrow (actually, that's today now), and as usual left all the packing and stuff a lil later than I probably should have done. But swimming in the sea was just so much more tempting than packing ;-) I will never learn…**

**Anyway, hope that you're all still out there and enjoying this (despite it's depressing-ness). Thanks to those of you who reviewed the last chapter, you are all amazing, reviews always make my day…**


	50. chapter forty three

_chapter forty-three_

After a couple of really rough days Nikki levelled back out for a while. Harry found himself wondering if everything they did on her one good day was what left her so drained and ill afterwards. She almost acted as if she was perfectly healthy for that day. They certainly crammed a lot of things in, and he was sure her body suffered as a result. Though he doubted she'd change it for anything, and nor would he.

It didn't take long before things began to head downhill again, Harry was aware that he was spending less and less time working with Sara, and having to spend more of it looking after Nikki.

Harry entered their room to find Nikki, a couple of times, having scratched away at an area of skin on her body until it was raw. Approaching her slowly, he would carefully remove the hand that was often still scratching away at tender skin, before cleaning the area and applying a bandage in an attempt to prevent her from getting to it again. She often seemed surprised when Harry reached to remove her hand; as if she had not realised what she was doing. Although Harry wanted to understand why, he couldn't bring himself to question her about it; it never seemed to be the right time.

He found her one afternoon, curled up on the bed as she so often was at this stage, with trails of blood covering one arm. He retrieved the first aid supplies he would need before sitting down on the bed beside her. She watched him silently as he gently eased her injured arm away from her body a little, and set to work cleaning up the mess that she had made. The pain was evident in her features when he glanced at her face; her eyes not as wide as usual, her brow slightly creased and her pallor pale as ever. He almost wished it was his actions causing the pain, rather than a huge tumour growing inside her brain, because then at least he could take it away. He longed for some kind of power to control the situation, and was aware that Nikki probably yearned for the same thing.

Her eyes remained fixed on her arm as he worked, seemingly mesmerised by his actions.

Once he had finished, Nikki pulled her arm back towards her body; her opposite hand running a faint trail across the stark white dressing before settling over her face.

"Nikki-" Harry started, stopping again when he found himself unsure of how to continue. He paused in his clearing up of the first aid materials whilst he watched Nikki sit up, before rather shakily sliding off the bed onto unsteady feet.

He scooped up the remaining items on the bed, placing them down on a chair behind him, before turning back to face Nikki. Her hands were resting on the edge of the mattress; body hunched over as if in pain. Not particularly surprising as he was sure she was probably in a lot of pain. Her eyes were closed, but Harry couldn't tell whether that was due to the pain, or simply in hopes of avoiding the questioning that she must have known was about to start.

"Why, Nikki? Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" Her eyes opened again, looking straight at him with such an eerie intensity before she responded, her dark eyes wide and full of sorrow.

"I just want the pain to go away." Nikki's voice was rough, and her eyes began to fill with tears. Harry looked at her in confusion, wanting to take her into his arms at seeing the tears, but more importantly wanting to have this conversation first. "It distracts me a little, allows me to think about something other than the fact my head feels like it should explode from the pressure." Harry remained confused, and Nikki felt a ripple of anger pass through her when she looked at him, her voice rising to reflect her mood. "You don't understand, Harry. You don't understand what it's like to be in so much pain that it's hard to breathe, and for it to continue for hours at a time, for so long that you can't see the end of it, that it feels as if it will never stop. And when it finally eases for a while, you know it will start up again the next day, if not sooner. How am I supposed to cope with that Harry? What do you want me to do? I can lie here, barely able to move, but through my headache my brain is still trying to work. So I've found a way to distract myself, I've found a way to feel pain somewhere else, to take my mind off the headache, if only for a moment." Nikki stopped to take in a breath, unintentionally allowing it to turn into a harsh sob. "What do you suggest I do, Harry?" Her words came out in between broken sobs, making Nikki even more frustrated that she couldn't have this conversation without breaking down into tears. "What do you want me to do?"

As Harry pulled her into his arms, firmly enough to withstand her immediate objections, she let a new stream of tears fall. And Harry finally realised something. Something more important than anything that had come before in his life.

It was time to let her go.

He felt his heart skip a beat, a tremble pass through his body at the thought, and hoped Nikki wouldn't notice through her tears and ragged breaths. He wanted to hold her forever more, wanted to find a way to save her, to protect her, but certain things were beyond his control. Her outburst caused him to realise that she was only putting herself through this for him. Because he had essentially asked her to. He hadn't appreciated at the time just what he was asking of her.

It was a while later that they pulled away from each other's arms. Harry had subtly moved them back to the bed, Nikki curling around him as he sat back against the pillows. One of his hands ran a trail through her hair over and over, soothing her without consciously realising it. When they both pulled back a little, Nikki's head tilted up and their eyes met. She was shocked at what she saw.

Not the red rims and puffy skin, but the look in his eyes, the meaning behind them, the final acceptance that she had been waiting for. He could feel her body relax in that instant, the instant that she understood what he would never be able to say out loud. The tension released from her body and she knew she wouldn't have to fight much longer. Because she was too tired to continue to fight, too drained to carry on like they had been, and too exhausted to keep struggling through each day.

...

**A/N… I meant to get this up sooner, but have been so so happy since I passed my shodan (black belt) karate grading on my crazy weekend of karate that I couldn't get myself back into this to decide whether the chapter was actually finished or not (it is another one I wrote months ago so find myself unsure about it). Please let me know what you think! Thank you those trusty few of you that keep reviewing – you're keeping me writing! **


	51. chapter forty four

_chapter forty-four_

They sat outside late that evening, after a usually hectic but somehow mellow dinner with Sara and her family. It was as if there was something in the air, as if the whole group had subconsciously picked up on something. Nikki was sure that Sara knew. She didn't know how, but she had caught her staring a couple of times. Caught her paying a little extra attention to them both. Sara hadn't said anything, but before she disappeared inside to bed she had met eyes with Nikki across the garden. Despite the distance Nikki could see the sad realisation in Sara's eyes, the moisture around their rims. Although a part of her wanted to get up, wanted to move and go to Sara, to give her a hug and tell her that it was ok, that this was what she wanted, something stopped her. She wasn't sure whether it was the reluctance to leave her position with Harry's arm around her shoulders where they sat together, or whether it was something else. Not that it was really significant anymore.

There was an odd sense of realisation that slipped over Nikki then. The knowledge that the end was near gave her a wonderful feeling of control. She felt calm, at peace with herself. For the first time in her life she wasn't worried. She wasn't worried about anything. If she gave it to much thought she was worried about Harry. And Leo a little too. But she wasn't worried about herself, that burden was gone. She was done having to deal with all the crap the world felt the need to throw at her. Along with that knowledge came a blissful tranquillity. She could feel the sadness radiating from Harry, but somehow knew that some of her serenity was seeping into him. She knew that although he'd accepted that it was time to let her go, it didn't protect him from the emotions that accompanied that acceptance. She was impressed at how well he was holding it together. She knew it was all for her, and couldn't possibly begin to tell him how grateful she was.

There were a lot of other things she wanted to tell him that she'd never found the words for. She had to believe now that he knew. That although they'd spent years dancing around their emotions, by this time he knew how she felt. Just how much he meant to her, would always mean to her.

They had gone way past the need to communicate everything with words years ago. Nikki loved their mutual understanding. The way that she didn't have to say anything, didn't have to ask, and yet he still knew exactly what she needed. Sometimes even before she realised herself. If there ever was such a thing as soul mates, Nikki had to believe that he was hers.

The sun had disappeared a long time ago, the last few remnants of the vibrant reds and purples that had painted the sky finally fading into deep blue. Nikki felt a shiver run through her as she noticed the temperature dropping around them. Harry's arm pulled her a little closer, though she wasn't sure he was even aware of the action.

The intensity of the shivers passing through her body increased, and she felt Harry become aware of them as he held her even tighter. She could feel his reluctance to go inside, to go to bed knowing what tomorrow would bring, and yet she also knew he'd never let her be uncomfortable to save himself from any pain. Eventually he stood, pulling her body up beside his own. Turning to face her, taking hold of her hands, they stood still for a moment. A moment of serenity.

It only lasted a millisecond, a tiny spec of time, before Nikki felt Harry pull her in a little closer, keeping their fingers tightly woven together as his lips settled upon hers. She couldn't help the smile that covered her lips as she melted against him. Quite how he made her feel that way with merely a kiss she had no idea.

Although their lips had to part eventually, Harry made sure that their bodies stayed in contact as they walked back to their room, keeping hold of her hands, an arm wrapped around her body when he could. He barely let her lose contact whilst they both got ready for bed, but Nikki could understand his reluctance to let go. In fact, the knowledge that he didn't want to let go meant a lot to her. She didn't exactly want to let go either.

It was a relief to finally get into bed, to feel Harry's skin against hers, instantly calming the shivers that hadn't yet stopped since they came inside. His arms wrapped tightly around her, holding her so close to him she imagined it would be hard to tell where one started and the other finished.

Nikki was sure they both lay awake for quite a while. She couldn't see his face, but could somehow just sense that he wasn't asleep either. She was enjoying being wrapped up in his arms too much to want to fall asleep.

She wasn't sure who succumbed first. Her eyes soon felt irresistibly heavy and the steady movement of Harry's chest rising and falling against her back was enough to lull her into a relaxed sleep.

...

**A/N… so I've been having some issues finishing the last chapter, was holding this back hoping I'd finish it but doesn't seem to be happening. Hopefully inspiration will come now I've put this up… **

**Somehow I did start writing another couple of stories that just appeared out of nowhere, one of which is another Silent Witness story so if I decide it's worthy of being on here and work out where it's going you might get a look at that soon. **

**Massive hugs to everyone that reviewed last time, and holding hugs in store for anyone kind enough to spare a moment to let me know what you think of this one! **

**More to come soon (hopefully)...**


	52. chapter forty five

_***tissue warning as requested***_

_**...**_

_chapter forty-five_

Without words it seemed, the next day passed them by, seemingly planned despite the lack of verbal communication. They had a slow morning, neither wanting to release the other from their embrace too soon. Then they headed to Nikki's favourite café for a late lunch, sitting outside in the warm autumn South African sunshine. They took a long gentle walk along a beach in the afternoon, Nikki dipping her bare feet into the slightly chilly water, Harry laughing at her when a wave caught her legs a little higher than she expected, leaving salty water lines on her cropped trousers. He was aware that despite the fact they both felt more relaxed than they had for a long time in many ways, as the day wore on the tension in the air between them changed.

Both of them knew what was coming. Neither could escape it now. Not that either of them was sure they actually wanted to. In a lot of ways this had gone on for long enough. They were tired, exhausted of the daily struggle. Never would Harry wish that someone else had to go through this, the trauma of watching someone you love die. Slowly, painfully. It was excruciating for both of them.

Returning to Sara's home later in the afternoon, Harry couldn't help the apprehension spreading through him, rapidly pulling along doubt and fear for the ride. He looked over at Nikki. She seemed so calm, so sure of herself, and as much as he couldn't truly understand, he was pleased that she obviously felt that way.

Parts of him wanted to scream and shout, to rant about how unfair this was, how it shouldn't be happening to them, how it shouldn't be happening like this. Another side of him simply wanted to break down in tears. To curl up in a corner somewhere, sob like a small child and wish it would all go away.

He was sure that usually one of those sides would have won out, but today he couldn't let it. He wouldn't do that to Nikki. He'd have plenty of time after this day to tear himself into pieces. That thought was almost overpowering, and Harry had had to take a deep breath to prevent it from taking over. He felt tears developing in his eyes, and blinked rapidly a few times trying to clear them before Nikki noticed.

As she reached for a bag of items she'd hidden away for this moment, the throbbing of her head and the aching that permeated her entire body reminded Nikki why she was doing this, how they'd reached this point. She appreciated that Harry was being so understanding, this wasn't something everybody could wrap their heads around. But everyone had their limits, and she had gone way beyond hers.

Nikki kept her back turned to Harry, somehow sensing that he needed a moment to compose himself. She wondered briefly whether she should feel bad that she was putting him through this. But then once she gave it some more thought she came to the conclusion that this was better than the alternative. He was going to have to let her go, neither of them had any power over that, and at least this way they had some control over the time and place. At least they were together. She couldn't ask for more than that.

Removing a syringe from its packaging, she inserted the needle into the small glass bottle that had almost caused an argument between them. An argument that felt so far into the past, Nikki couldn't imagine that it had only been a matter of weeks. Harry watched her closely as she filled the syringe, wanting to say something but no words would leave his mouth.

He beckoned her over to the bed, pulling the covers half over both of them. He tried to take the syringe from her, but she wouldn't let him. This wasn't something he could do for her; this was something she needed to do for herself.

He had almost expected to see a little fear in her expression, some doubt in her eyes. Yet there was none. It was as if she was finally going to find the peace she'd been searching for all her life. As a ripple of something he couldn't quite define passed through him, Harry pushed it down and tried to keep hold of the tranquil state they'd somehow managed to spend the day in. He wished it never had to end.

They sat together for a little while. Wrapped up in each other's arms. Again Harry found himself wanting to say something but where to start was far beyond his imagination. It surprised him when Nikki spoke, her voice slightly sleepy but incredibly relaxed.

"Tell me a story." She said simply, tucking her head into his neck, her blonde curls tickling his sensitive skin.

It took Harry a couple of minutes to think about where to start, but once he did he spoke for a while, his voice quiet and calm, purposefully taking his time over the words.

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful young anthropologist. One day, out of the blue, she decided to break into a lab, with the intention of borrowing their computers. They didn't realise that really she was looking for a home, for somewhere to belong, and she couldn't possibly have realised that both the men that already lived in the lab would fall in love with her. One would become the father she never had, looking out for her when she got in too deep. One would become her closest friend. Eventually these two would realise they'd fallen in love. It took them a little while, they weren't the most intelligent when it came to their emotions. But finally one day they realised, and from then on they could never go back."

Harry stopped his words as he felt Nikki's breathing began to change. Her chest rose and fell more slowly, seeming to extend the gap between each action. Her eyes flittered, but she found the energy to turn to look at him, a more peaceful expression on her face than he could have possibly imagined.

"I'm tired." The words were such an obvious understatement that Harry might have smiled under any other circumstances.

"Sleep." He replied simply. Her deep brown eyes stared up at him, suddenly rich with emotion. "It's okay, everything's okay now, you can sleep." A trace of recognition and realisation slipped across her face.

Just as her eyes began to close, he let his lips touch hers. So softly, so gently, so completely final.

...


	53. epilogue

_epilogue_

The phone call he received from Harry was expected, but that didn't make it any less painful. Harry didn't really need to say anything; the despair in his voice said everything he needed to know. His stomach had been tying itself in knots for days, and he realised that having the knowledge that something terrible was going to happen didn't actually make it any easier to deal with when it did happen. It was less of a shock, he supposed, yet still shook him when it happened. He was mildly aware that his legs gave way and he crumpled to the ground, whilst still on the phone.

It was a few minutes before he realised that Janet had approached him, wrapping her arms around him where he had fallen to the ground, letting her own tears fall and mix with his. There was no need for her to ask what had happened, his current state was explanation enough.

Nikki had been such a special person, had given so much to this life and he couldn't bring himself to imagine it without her. He promised himself that he'd never forget her, never attempt to replace the special place she was held in his heart. He doubted there was anyone out there capable of replacing her, she truly was one of a kind.

One of a kind with a beautiful smile, an infectious giggle, and the most intense brown eyes he had ever come across. Her feisty attitude had grown on him since day one, when he couldn't help but be drawn in by her despite the situation they met in. He had never expected it, but she became like a daughter to him. No one would ever replace Cassie in his heart, but Nikki had filled a similar space. Somehow he had come to think of her as family, worry about her when something was wrong; be proud of her when she accomplished something impressive. He had never intended for it to happen, but she slid in through his defensives without him even noticing.

He couldn't imagine how Harry was going to deal with this. Knowing how long they had taken to come to the realisation of how they felt made him wonder if it was worse. That they'd finally admitted to their feelings even though it had no potential of lasting. Although, he remembered the look on Nikki's face sitting in a hotel room in Hungary. The fact that she thought she would never have a chance to tell him, never find out if he felt the same way, never have the opportunity to be with him. He could see it was eating her up inside. Never knowing. At least now Harry had the opportunity to grieve properly rather than live in wonder of what could have been. And that was essential if he was ever going to get over this. Right now he wasn't sure how that could happen any time soon.

It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, but it was life. He hoped that one day it would be ever so slightly less painful for both of them.

That day was a hell of a long way away.

_Fin_

_..._

**A/N… eek…it's finally finished and I just got all nervous about putting it up! ****I know you probably all hate me now, and I'm sure I would too, but it just kinda happened when I started writing this story – wrote some of the ending quite early on and just couldn't see any other way to go with it. I finished writing the epilogue ages ago, but finishing the last chapter was really really hard for me – had a whole load of middle that wasn't written and have really struggled to work out how to do that! Think I'm happy with it now though.**

**Totally cannot believe I've spent most of this year working on this! Really have enjoyed writing it, though I thought I'd have more time on my hands once I'd finished it, but I have already been taken over by a new story - oops… **

**Massive thanks to everyone who's stuck with it, this is by far the longest thing I've written – and actually finished for once! All of you that have been amazing and sent so many reviews, you've really kept me going…and anyone else out there that's been reading – take this one last opportunity to let me know what you think? I'll love you for it! **

**Come on…there's a little button just down there…you know you want to ;-)**


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